“How Can I Stop Desiring a Partner and Be Happy Alone?”
- This topic has 4 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by
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From a LW:
“I need advice for how to shut off the feeling of desiring a partner. I got married really young to an abusive man and spent 10 years being beaten by him, then I stayed 100% single for 9 years. Then went on the apps and met a man that treated me much better but after about 4 years I found out he was an alcoholic. we didn’t live together only saw each other on every second weekend. I was with him 4.5 more years – we also got engaged in this time but he was in active addiction and me really wanting him to get help.
I spent years in al anon learning how to love an alcoholic. He treated me usually very well but I ended up finding him messaging other women inappropriate pictures last Nov and stayed together till Jan of this year. When we broke up I decided I needed to totally redo my life so I bought a home in my area (ex fiancée is 3 hours away) quit my job, started a new job that I totally hate.
Wendy, I decided 3 months ago that I was done being alone and I didn’t ever want to be alone so I went on the apps and it has just been a total disaster, men are not looking for someone that wants a real relationship they want a hookup and I will not go there. I honestly just want to know what I can do that will stop me desiring a partner and teach me to be happy alone. I look at all of my friends with partners and I’m so beyond jealous and I don’t know why I can’t just be happy. I honestly just feel like crawling into a hole and only ever coming out when I need to go to work. – Unhappily Alone!“
I’m curious what your personal life looks like outside of romantic relationships. Do you have platonic relationships with friends and family that you find fulfilling? Hobbies that you look forward to? Are you actively looking for a job that is a better fit? When I was single, having a routine and life I genuinely liked made finding a partner feel like less of a priority. I still wanted partnership, but having a full life meant I didn’t have the same urgency around finding a good match, took the process more in stride, and made better decisions.
IMO this reads like you’ve been dating from a place of desperation over the past few months when you’re also not even a year out of an 8+ year unhealthy relationship (and your prior marriage was also long-term and unhealthy). I assume there are deeper issues going on and therapy would be a great place to start.
I agree with Copa. I think a big key to both not feeling desperate to find someone AND to attracting a compatible parter is creating a fulfilling, enriching life for yourself. I also think therapy, if that’s accessible to you, could be very helpful for you.
Copa and Wendy are right on target. I was listening to a science podcast (ologies for those interested) and the topic was the science of joy. And the researcher found that when people recalled feeling joy, one of the common denominators was they were with people. This was not exclusive to romantic partners, this was family and friends too.
What have you always wanted to try? What groups meet up in your area? Kickball, knitting, gardening, woodworking, car maintenance, cards, D&D – try things. It will be scary as fuck. But most groups are there to share their love of a hobby and make friends.Often when people are desiring a partner and envious of other’s partnerships, it is because their own life isn’t making them happy and they (subconsciously) feel that another person can fix that for them. Instead you have to build an incredible happy life where they only person you would even tolerate is someone who is a major value add. You have been through A LOT. I would suggest some therapy to unpack what you have been through. I suspect your family of origin modeled a lot of abusive or addition behavior with accommodation. I also catch a whiff of depression in your post, so the therapist can help address that too if needed.
While working on the therapy route make a list of what make life FABULOUS. Hobbies, friends, perfect career, level of financial security. Once you have your list start literally working on making it real. Some things on your list will be quick wins. Particularly in the hobby side. If you make it a point to try something new and do it at least three times once a month or at least once a quarter, you can get the quick dopamine hit of accomplishment. Hobbies can be the gateway to more friendships as well particularly if you pick social ones. Hiking clubs, Card game clubs, book clubs, etc. You can switch jobs and even careers. Just make a plan and work on it.
Once you have filled your life with friends, hobbies, and job that you at least don’t hate, you will find the NEED for a partner to lesson. Also happy and fulfilled people attract happy and fulfilled people. Once your love yourself you MIGHT find the right person to love you back.
