I cannot tell if this is a green flag or the reddest flag ever.
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BM I saw a funny meme about teen girls wearing oldies band shirts. It’s been a joke to ask teens to name their five favorite songs- itswas originally to make fun of kids wearing shirts of bands they don’t know.
It is mainly used for creepy men to talk to teenage girls and they know it. There’s a meme going around now that if a man asks you to name 5 favorite songs, you’re supposed to say, “Name five women who trust you!”
When I first started dating my husband I didn’t understand why he had so many lady friends. But I figured it out. Good guys don’t have to tell you they are good.
Eh, I feel like if I was asked to speak honestly and publicly about something I’ve had to unlearn/deconstruct as an adult, I’d not sound great myself.
I see everyone’s points. To me, my instinct was to consider this a yellow flag. I’ll keep getting to know him and see how he is. I do know I’m not going to fall for playing therapist to his woes, though. I know that much, haha.
I’m curious what the “healthy masculinity” pages are that he follows. In general though, this sounds like a yellow flag. Proceed, but with caution.
I would say best case, he’s genuinely seen the error of his ways and wants to reform. Worst case could be dangerous though, if he’s not sincere and is consciously using this shtick to try and attract women.
In the best case scenario there I think of my uncle, who I think is a total tool and is both racist and sexist, but other family members point out how much progress he’s made and how he’s really trying and is a good man.
In the worst case scenario I think of some real creepy narcissistic and controlling scammers. Guys who basically want to be a cult leader. My husband’s old college roommate spouts all kinds of “light worker divine feminine” bullshit on FB but he’s a bad bad man.
Best case he’s really grown and lovely, but it doesn’t sound like he’s gone into real therapy for whatever issues he had, and that book is alarming to me. If I saw that on a date’s shelf I would find a way to leave. It is a book about identifying abuse for women. It’s written for women, to my knowledge, not a guidebook for men to heal. Even if he’s working on it, he likely has remaining issues deep within with women.
Best case, he read that book and follows positive masculinity sites and has totally changed. From my experience, I think he’s probably got a lot of things to work out and I wouldn’t want to be the person working them out with him.
Bit your mileage varies. What seems like a huge red flag to me is just yellow to others.
His comment on the post about “why does he do that” said he realized how manipulative and controlling he has been / can be with women. Not “used to be in the past.” Sounds like maybe these forums and such are a recent interest for him? Idk. I think it would be a good sign if you DON’T see any problematic comments from him by doing a fairly cursory look into his socials, including Reddit and any of these healthy masculinity forums. If you see any concerning hot takes on women, that strongly indicates he hasn’t had the growth. That old roommate of my husband’s talks about love and light but when I look at his posts for entertainment, there’s a lot of spooky stuff there about “unhealed women” attacking him, and he cannot tolerate women disagreeing with him or seemingly even having an opinion that’s not his opinion.
All good points and I appreciate the guidance. The “healthy masculinity” accounts he follows aren’t covert narc-light and love-bullshit, but stuff that talks about how men can process their emotions, have healthier relationships with women and people in general, and so on. @WeAreManEnough, one really popular one I recognized, is a good example if you want to take a look at it on IG.
I’ve only gotten good vibes from him in person. Doesn’t act antagonistic to women.
But, yeah. It was the present tense of that comment that worried me. I don’t want to be a test dummy for him trying to have a healthy relationship for the first time. But, I barely know this dude and could be misjudging.
You barely know him and what you do know is he has been manipulative and maybe abusive to women. And uses the present tense.
You know, I should share the story of the little encounter that made me take a bit more interest in said dude in the first place. Maybe you guys will recognize clues I’m missing?
The other week, he invited our book club to a film screening. It was a tiny theater, with only ~10 other people there, but I was the only one from our club who showed up.
He asked if he could sit next to me, sat touching-arms close, then I scooted away a few minutes later. (I liked it, but I got nervous, lol.) Then throughout the film and discussion, he did casual touches at different interesting comments or whatever. Or when someone mentioned our event space, and he did encouraging “Hey, that’s you” elbow nudges, but very dramatically and comfortably. Nothing creepy, though.
Then I asked to walk together to my car since it was dark, and at the end he gives…a fist bump? It was confusing, because that gave me “I’m not interested” energy and I felt a tad disappointed. Thought I had an opening with a cute guy.
I am late bloomer who’s still learning these things. I don’t know if he’s just a touchy, extroverted guy or he had/has any genuine interest.
