I can't make big decisions – how do I know he's "the one"?
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Hi!
So, basically, what the title says. I have a history of having a hard time making a big decision, like when I was 2 years into college, I spent months wondering if this was the good path for me. It was a depressing period, writing pro-contra lists, and then finally not being able to take a big step, which required courage. Instead, I stayed.
I have a bf, he’s 39 (I’m 28). We have been together for a year and 2 months, we live in different cities (2 hours by car). He is very ready to move in together and start a family, which would require me to move and find a new job.This is giving me all kinds of anxiety. Am I ready to give my life up (I have been living here for 10 years, all my friends are here, I love my job). Am I ready to marry him, is our relationship good enough to “upgrade” it? Am I ready to be a parent? (more often than not I think: no…).
Our relationship had a rocky path. We have different temperaments, he is more outspoken, I am more peaceful. We argued quite a bit about things, sometimes he was right, sometimes I was right I guess.I just don’t know…I can’t decide and he wants to move in already.
I guess I just needed to write this down…I guess my question is this: How do people who are very undecisive and self-doubting know which relationship is “the one”?
I don’t think THIS much doubt is a very good sign. It’s far too fast, too. NEWSFLASH: at 28 (to his 39!) you are definitely the bigger catch here. No need to go home with very first fisherman who tries to get his hook into you. Plenty of other fishermen out there. Trust me…
OK -here’s what struck me: “Am I ready to give my life up?”
That question says it all. If you think marrying this guy is giving up your life then HE IS THE WRONG GUY.
The right person will never ask you to give up your dreams and will expect you to prioritize your needs (with some obvious exceptions, cheating, stealing, drugs, etc.)
Let me assure you that when you are ready for those things theres zero doubt. My friend just moved to Germany for a man. You’d jump to do it if it was right. Also you mention big problems. Good relationships don’t involve. Arguing quite a bit.
Also why won’t he move to you?
Agree with the consensus here. I don’t see this as being wishy-washy. This is hesitancy because it seems like you are being pressured into something you are clearly not ready for.
Your relationship is rocky, you don’t want kids, you argue, you have a pretty significant age gap.
No, don’t give up your life to move away and get married to a man you aren’t excited about, and don’t love.
“He is very ready to move in together and start a family, which would require me to move and find a new job.”
Nope. Moving in together and starting a family wouldn’t require you to move and find a new job. HE requires this because apparently HE won’t move and find a new job. This doesn’t sound like the man for you.
He won’t move to her because at 39 I suspect he is probably very firmly locked down / established into his career while almost every one is still floundering about at 28… to me His not willing to move to her isn’t that much of a red flag… not when there are others such as her lack of enthusiam and their long history of disagreements…
Definitely what everyone is saying, and I LOVE the book “Is He Mr. Right?” by Mira Kirshenbaum. It will answer these questions for you.
I think this is a good “FUCK YES or no” situation. You shouldn’t give up your job and move for love if you’re not 100% sure about it. It’s just too much trouble, too much risk, too much money for something you’re not even sure you want.
Just as a comparison, when I was in a long-distance relationship, thinking about the day where my boyfriend would fly to my city so we could pack the uHaul together and drive together to his city was… the happiest thing I could possibly think of. I would almost get happy tears in my eyes just thinking about that day, and this was years before it finally happened. I was just REALLY looking forward to it. What stressed me out was 1) how expensive moving was, 2) sub-letting my apartment, 3) how to organize the drive from my city to his with the moving truck… There was NO stress at the idea that I was moving to be with him and that we would live together. NO stress at all!
BGM, you’re right—but it also speaks to the boyfriend’s lack of real enthusiasm as well, really, because if he wanted to lock this down, he’d at least be looking at the possibility of moving to her. She thinks he is anxious to start their life together, but it’s just words. No action and no effort on his part.
I just wanted her to think about that.
