“I know I Should Leave Him But…”
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From a DW:
“I’ve been in a long term relationship coming up on our 2 year anniversary in about 3 weeks. My S/O is currently out of town for work for those 3 weeks. For that time being, I’ve decided to stay with my parents at their home (normally I’ve been living with my S/O). Since I’ve been in a different atmosphere, I’ve come to realize a lot of questions that I ask myself. I was hoping to get answers/guidance for those questions. So here goes.
Here’s background about the relationship. Just for some context, I’m a 25f & he’s a 28m. We met on New Year’s Day at a bar, and from the get go he’s traveled for work here and there. However, he was living in NYC away from his home state (where we live) for about 6 months but had told me he decided to come back to pursue our relationship. The relationship has been all bad from the start & I’m finally having some time to reflect on my own & gather my own thoughts being away from him.
Issue 1: other females & not trusting him
He cheated on me 1 month into us dating but said he did because he didn’t know how he felt about me yet & was worried about my health issue I have. I decided to forgive him because at the time it seemed like he was just confused by things.
From the start he always lied about who his female friends/followers on social media were. There was this girl that lived in NY that he claimed was his friend for the longest time, a few months into our relationship I found out that they had kissed and met each other though a dating app. It took a long time for him to finally block her on everything, because he claimed she was just a friend & she would be able to help him with his dream career (being a DJ). This same thing was going on with another female but he said he never did anything with her but she was a model in NY & knew a lot of people so he didn’t want to loose the connection for the sake of his DJ career. He was always expressing how exciting it was for him that she’d be able to bring a lot of other females around & it looks good for DJs having female presence by them.
Recently almost 2 years into our relationship, I found out that he had met his other female friend on a dating app awhile ago but he claims they never did anything. But he says it’s okay & theirs nothing to be worried about because his good friend is dating her now & they’ve been together for 5 years. I’m bothered by the fact he lied about it for almost 2 years & he gets annoyed that I care about it, saying I’m not a regular girl because most others wouldn’t care about it. He’s constantly saying he wishes I was a normal girl that didn’t care about his female friends & the extreme about of female presence on his social media.
Theres other issues regarding females but there’s already a lot to unpack. This being up the fact that I don’t find him trustworthy. He’s a drinker, party goer, spends time in random apartments after the bars close & is just all around worrying about going out to show off & enjoying his party life. With everything he’s done it’s hard to trust him at all. And he gets mad that I don’t trust him & he acts like I’m the untrustworthy one in our relationship. This brings up the other big thing of friendships.
Issue 2: Traveling & Living Life
I don’t have a ton of friends. I’ve always been a person who doesn’t have a lot of people around me. But the few friends I do have, I know they are ride or dies. However, they don’t enjoy traveling while I on the other hand do. I want to get out there & see the world, experience new things & truly find who I am.
However, I’ve come to realize that because my friends don’t like to travel, I would have to go on my own. And I’m all okay with traveling solo. I think it’d be quite liberating & I would truly start to understand who I am. But this relationship is holding me back from doing that. My S/O has a HUGE problem with me wanting to travel solo & says that it’s not his fault he’s able to because he has a bunch of friends to do it with & I don’t. I’ve talked to him multiple times about it and always says that he’s welcome to tag along with me whenever but he says I’m not wanted on his end because he just wants to be with his friend group. While I completely get wanting to travel with your friends ( I wish I had some that would like to do the same) he’s not understanding of me not having any to go with. He feels that it would be unfair of him not being able to travel alone while I do. I tell him we enjoy different things about traveling that makes it worrisome. He enjoys going out to clubs, bar hopping & worried about finding the next big party while I’m worried about finding new outdoor adventures, finding new food & experiencing the culture.He’s always talking about how he needs to travel back to NYC by himself before he ever goes back with me. He says that he’ll be able to stay with the friends that are dating (mentioned above). That clearly is now an issue for me & he says theirs nothing behind it for me to worry about and than I’m being crazy about the whole situation.
All and all, I feel like I’m being held back from really important life experiences. I haven’t been able to go do things in my own without being questioned about it. While I don’t ever mind giving reassurance to him, when I need it, it’s always a problem & I’m being the crazy girlfriend. I want to experience new things but I feel like I can’t because I don’t have people to do it with unless it’s him & him alone.
He’s constantly making fun of how I don’t have friends, that I’m an unsocial person & that I’m not cool enough to fit into his group. I already feel like crap about not having a lot of friends but he just keeps on adding to that feeling. And it’s becoming a big reason I want to break things off but he just always reminds me that I’m being crazy & most other girls would never have a problems with the things he does.
Issue 3: Work
I’ve always had tried to have jobs that I would be more happy in than anything. I was never worried about making a ton of money or being able to buy flashy stuff. My S/O on the other hand is. It’s all he’s worried about.
He says my job is embarrassing to him & that I need to find new things to do.
I currently work as a barista full time, while I pursue a career of being a tattoo artist, part time. The hours are perfect because I get to have a full time job that works with the hours of the tattoo shop I work at. It’s been long hours & a lot of work to put in but I really feel I’m on the path I’m meant for.I’ve been belittled because I don’t make a lot of money while my S/O does. He works in construction as a hire up person so he makes a decent amount of money + overtime. I’ve been told I should go back to school to pursue being a nurse or a lawyer because they make good money & he wouldn’t have to worry about helping me in anyway. He feels that I’m not an empowering women & it’s embarrassing for him to take me around people & have to talk about our careers.
He’s also made me feel like I will amount to nothing without him. And that I would never make it as a tattoo artist without him because I don’t know anyone & he would bring me all of my clients. We live in a bigger small feeling town where everyone knows who he is.
Because he’s said these things I’ve thought about quitting this opportunity & trying to find something else. I’m not sure what to do.
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Overall this time of reflection has popped up a lot of questions and thoughts. There has been a lot of other issues other than the few mentioned. Abuse, belittling, stonewalling, arguing, etc.. just to name a few.
I do love him & think there could be something in him worth it but I just don’t know anymore. I’ve felt so unsupported & unloved for so long now. I know I should leave but for some reason it’s hard. Any advice or thoughts would be so appreciated.”
I didn’t get all the way through this letter. I got everything I needed by your second paragraph where you write: “The relationship has been all bad from the start.” I skimmed the sixteen or so paragraphs after that and everything I read affirmed that this is a terrible relationship. You said you know you need to leave your boyfriend. I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for. HOW to leave him? How to deal with hard things? How to do something that’s hard without it feeling bad?
I mean, the truth is, sometimes things are hard and they suck and you feel bad for a while. That doesn’t mean you should avoid doing the hard thing. You do it anyway and accept that you’re going to feel sad or lonely or resentful or whatever for a little bit. It won’t kill you. You can do something each day that will help you feel a little less sad or lonely, like make plans with friends, move your body, get out in nature, eat nourishing foods, read something enjoyable, watch a favorite movie, the list is endless, really. Do something every day to help you feel a little better and in time – a couple months, maybe, by the first signs of spring – you will start feeling better without the outside stimuli and prompts.
Eventually, the bad feelings will be in the past and you will thank yourself for getting out of a sad, lonely relationship that left you feeling resentful and upset so that you could open your self to activities and people who have the opposite effect on you. There’s no secret tip or advice for speeding through the period you have to get through to get there. You just put one foot in front of the other until you’re on the other side. It’s the same thing that will get you through all the hard stuff you’ll be faced with in life. One foot in front of the other, you can do it.
So this guy cheats on your REPEATEDLY, doesn’t respect you and puts down your job, and doesn’t trust you and tries to control your free time… what’s not to love *sarcasm*
Ditch this guy. Close your eyes and imagine another 5 or 50 years of this crap. Wouldn’t that suck. You are young, you luckily don’t have kids with this jerk, you can find someone nicer who is truthful and faithful and who loves all of you. Do so.
“And it’s becoming a big reason I want to break things off but he just always reminds me that I’m being crazy & most other girls would never have a problems with the things he does.”
He’s trying to make you feel crazy and break down your self esteem because if it was that easy to find a woman who would be ok with *that* behaviour, you can bet he’d be with her already. This man doesn’t care about you, I’m sorry to say. He cheats, he lies, he sounds like he’s emotionally abusive. The best thing you can do for yourself is get far away from him.
No buts, you know you should leave him. Nothing you said is fun, good or sounds like it is making you happy or fulfilled. Do something good for yourself and choose better.
You wrote over 1500 words about what a terrible boyfriend he is. And they are all legitimate. He sounds like a terrible boyfriend. What is the hesitation?
Going forward, you need to have dealbreaker red flags and then act on them when they come up. Here’s some suggestions:
– Doesn’t want you travel without him
– Cheats and lies to you
– Makes you feel bad about yourself
– Belittles your passions
– Makes you feel like you’re “not empowering women”
– Makes fun of your lack of friends
– Doesn’t empower you to make other friendsThese are all dealbreakers on their own, and yet you’ve tolerated every single one.
It sounds like to me you’re socially isolated, which his actions have certainly affected, but it sounds like you struggle socially without him. This is where your focus should be once you get the nerve to ditch this dork. It’s important to have reliable friends outside of your significant other. I think you’re afraid that this guy has some sort of power social capital (“…I would never make it as a tattoo artist without him because I don’t know anyone & he would bring me all of my clients.”), but guys who talk like this have casual acquaintances at best and lame friends. If you’ll break up, I’m willing to be you’ll get a lot of “I liked you better anyways”.
A money focused construction worker who is a part time DJ ain’t all that.
You’re very young, you were super young when you met him, and… I mean, you’re figuring out he’s actually a jerk and this is a bad relationship. That’s okay, everyone has bad relationships when they’re young, with the wrong people. You just have to recognize it and move on. You should move back in with your parents and make a plan. You could even move your stuff out while he’s gone.
He sounds charismatic, maybe somewhat of a narcissist, someone who puts you down to build himself up, and you’ve seen him as this big-deal guy when in reality he’s a jerk.
You do need to get out of this. You can do it. Dump him.
You’ll leave him, do some reflection and hopefully if something like this ever happens again, you don’t forgive that:
“He cheated on me 1 month into us dating but said he did because he didn’t know how he felt about me yet & was worried about my health issue I have. I decided to forgive him because at the time it seemed like he was just confused by things.”
He was so worried about your health concern, he fell into someone else’s bed? (that’s not what I wanted to write, but seriously!?!?) He showed you very early who he is and you accepted him and forgave him. There are some issues you need to figure out. When you are far out of this relationship, see a therapist to figure out why you’d accept this man who treats you this badly. I’m glad you’re at your moms, maybe you should stay there?
I think it worth noting that this person has lied to you repeatedly through your relationship. Why is that important? Because when he says that any other woman would be fine with this behavior – HE IS LYING. When he says that you won’t find anyone better – HE IS LYING. When he says anything – HE IS LYING. He’s not just lying when he gets caught being a shithead. He’s lying as a means to control you. Nothing that comes out of his mouth can be considered true or valid. Nothing.
Take all the shit that he’s said over the last two years and dismiss it in total. I know that’s unrealistic, but you are so much more than he says. You have more strength than you realize. You need to get yourself into therapy and find out why you put up with this. You should live without a constant barrage of negativity from a fuckweasel like your boyfriend, but I think you need to do some tough work to make sure you never allow someone to treat you so shabbily in the future.
Guuurl. RUN! What you’ve outlined as though they are minor annoyances are, in fact, huge issues. Your boyfriend does not respect you. You don’t trust him and for good reason. Not to mention that in my experience, men resort to calling a woman crazy when she tries to hold him accountable for his shitty behavior or otherwise has a reaction to his shitty behavior.
1) let’s wave a magic wand: your boyfriend is now kind, loving, & respectful. You’re still not a match: he likes big groups, you’re happy with a few close friends; he needs a group to travel with, you’re willing to go solo; he’s happy working part-time and partying (he’s spent all his 20s so far doing this, and I get it’s been a shit few years for young people), while you are working full-time and working towards getting a job you want.
2) “Females” is the word you used to mean women (I hope not girls). I’d guess this is how your boyfriend refers to women: he’s been suckled at the poisonous moobs of the manosphere
3) which is why he’s not ‘embarrassed’ your job/dream role doesn’t ‘empower women’, he’s trying to shame you into training for a job that pays well enough that he can sponge off you indefinitely (all while telling you you’re shit for not wanting material things)
4) This guy is not the life and soul of the party: at best, he’s Fun Bobby from the excellent movie Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
5) Finally, you say “I know I should leave him, but….” This is what’s known as the “Yes, but” game, and the saying goes, “everything before the but is bollocks” (British slang for testicles, signifying a pile of crap). Are you here for permission to stay or go?
[Disclaimer: not all moobs are poisonous, male genitalia are not to be derided, but ^ndr3w T8 is]
