“I’m Losing Hope in My Relationship”
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From a LW:
“I’m a teenager in my first relationship and it’s quite intense, for better or for worse. We love each other deeply, but I feel as though his mental health issues and lack of empathy towards me are starting to cause me a great deal of stress. He suffers with BPD and has mentioned that he struggles with empathy, which I understand and try my best to help him when I can. However, often our relationship at the moment seems to consist of mostly me dealing with his problems and emotions. Sometimes it seems as though he doesn’t care about my problems, even though I know he does, but he rarely seems interested in what I’m doing unless it concerns him, or how I’m feeling.
Often times he will lash out at me and hurt me in ways that I feel as though I can’t bring up without it becoming a huge, tense deal that I’d rather avoid. I feel as though he rarely makes time to spend with just us, and it seems like I’m low on some imaginary hierarchy of his. It just seems as though the double standards are getting too hard to cope with: if I were to treat him the same way he did me, ignoring him, being rude and disinterested, I don’t think he could cope, but I still have to.
This isn’t to say it’s a bad relationship, I love him so much and we have had amazing times together, but I’m just running out of energy to care and show him attention at times. I’m upset at myself for not being able to show the amount of love I feel. I don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you for any help you can offer me.”
“if I were to treat him the same way he did me, ignoring him, being rude and disinterested, I don’t think he could cope, but I still have to.” You don’t HAVE to dot his. You don’t have to cope with it. You could break up and move on. Outside of saying you love him, in 3 paragraphs you didn’t write anything positive about him. If you read this letter as a stranger or if you of your friends wrote this letter, what would you tell them?
If he doesn’t show he cares about your problems, how do you know he does? A HUGE red flag is that you don’t feel you can express your feelings without it turning into a huge thing. A big part of being in a relationship is communication and you don’t feel like you can do that.
I personally think you need end this relationship.
It sounds like you’re realizing this relationship is not sustainable for you, and that’s okay! Your needs aren’t being met, you don’t feel comfortable communicating to your SO the ways that he hurts your feelings, you don’t feel cared for or seen, the focus is always on him… it’s okay to let this relationship go. Still feeling love for someone is not a reason or sign to stay. I think you’d be wise to move on.
I will also add, as a straight woman who dates men and who is about twice your age with more dating experience… anecdotally, a lot of men lack empathy. I think young women are socialized to be empathetic and giving, taught to accommodate to make relationships work. Men, not so much. It’s possible the lack of empathy is related to his BPD, buuuut it’s also possible this dynamic is the result of how we socialize young women vs. young men. (I also realize I’m assuming you are a woman, LW, so please feel free to correct me if I am way off base here.)
Ugh, you do not HAVE to be an assholes punching bag. He’s rude, dismissive, uncaring….what exactly are you getting out of this? He says he loves you sometimes? Those are just words he’s saying to keep you around.
I agree a lot of boys can be jerks, but that doesn’t mean you have to date those ones. Seriously, you don’t have to date anyone until you meet someone who is nice to you. Why oh why are you torturing yourself?
Have standards for yourself, and realize you get to choose who you date…right?
It sounds like you are more in love with the idea of being in love than actually in love with this particular person, who isn’t acting at all loving towards you. You also seem to have decided to become the one who protects and fixes him. BPD is serious. It doesn’t get better if not professionally treated. This is beyond your expertise to deal with. Don’t feel guilty to MOA. If he is to navigate life at all successfully, then he needs to learn to treat those close to him far better than he treats you. If his parents aren’t getting him help, perhaps he would be willing to talk to your schools’ guidance counselor. They’ve seen BPD before.
Agree with other commenters that you need to break up and look elsewhere. It’s your first love, so of course you’re feeling all that wonderful oxytocin.
However, BPD is above your pay grade. It truly is. It is also incurable and will be his lifetime condition. He will make EVERYONE in his life miserable until he gets those meds fine tuned and spent enough time with a therapist. Even then, he will constantly have to work on it. Lack of empathy? People often have more than one mental health disorder. There is no pill for empathy. He might be nicer to you now, but if you were in a marriage/kids/mortgage situation, he could be VERY cruel because he cannot feel for you and you would be fettered..
I doubt you are gonna break up with him until he is really, really mean to you. It is possible to avoid tragedy by taking the advice of more mature women. You are asking, so please listen.
I concur with the others.
The bottom line is this: she’s aware that she could be in a relationship with you, but she doesn’t want to be. She might be giving you somewhat conflicted messaging, but it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day she doesn’t want what you want.
Look back on this relationship and figure out what worked and what didn’t work and learn from it. End contact because it doesn’t seem like you’re in a place to even be friends at this point. Be devastated and recover.
