“I’m Not Sure Where To Go From Here”
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From a LW:
“I’m writing to you to ask if you have any advice for a 28-year-old woman who’s with a 40-year-old man whose last relationship was with his wife, and they were together for 14 years. She left him because he wouldn’t stop cheating on her, I mean from the day they met 14 years prior he was cheating on her. I only know all of this because I have known this man for about seven years, and we were friends before we ever started dating. He has told me a lot of things from his past. When his wife left him, he was a mess and I helped him through it. But how do I even blame her for leaving? I mean come on. Now you want to tell her you love her after you had fourteen years to show her. Well, I know you might think “how could he ever change for you when he couldn’t even change for his wife’? Believe me I ask myself that every day. Honestly, for the first three years of our relationship he didn’t even look at another woman, which is insane I know. Then, a few months ago he was going to the store and left me at my sister’s and didn’t come back until 4am to pick me up. I got in the passenger seat and asked him who had been in my car, and he said nobody. But i know my intuition and it never lies. I later found out he met up with another woman that night and fooled around with her. I talked to her about myself and everything. It was heartbreaking. I asked him about it, and you know what he said? He said that he realized he loved me and deleted the dating thing and hasn’t talked to her since.
I decided to stay and try and move on from it, but he ended up kicking me out of his house and for five days I was on my own. He ended up messaging me telling me how sorry he was and all this stuff so I decided that I would only give him a chance if he stopped getting on the dating sites and stopped trying to hook up with other people. Fast forward two weeks, and he is back to the same thing. I know they say “once a cheater, always a cheater” but I had a lot of hope for this man that I love. But honestly Wendy, I am done being in these toxic relationships where I am not appreciated or loved the way I feel I deserve to be loved but I always find it so hard to leave. Do you have any advice for me? I could really use some. Thank you so much for listening!
Sincerely, just a girl who loves a dumb boy”
I think… he’s not a boy, he’s 40, he wrecked his marriage by constantly cheating, and if he’s cheated on you multiple times with no real consequences and no work done to rebuild trust, he definitely will again. What you see is what you get. Your hope here is unwarranted.
This relationship started when he was late 30s and you were 25 or younger. Ew. This is a red flag. In my experience men around that age only date women in their early 20s when they’re creeps and/or can’t pull women in a more appropriate age range who would be closer to the same life stage.
He was actively online dating! I have been there, when I was a little younger than you are now, and it was very devastating. I’m sorry he is doing that to you. Were I you, I’d assume you haven’t caught all the bad behavior there was/is to catch.
If you truly want to be done with toxic relationships, walk away from this dud. There isn’t going to be a happy ending here. Maybe consider therapy if you feel it is warranted to understand why you are so drawn to this kind of man.
Agree he was drawn to a much much younger woman because he wanted to be able to bullshit someone who may not push back on it.
It’s Okay to feel sad or disappointed but in the end focus on the opportunity you have now. Your guy was a cheating dud. Move on and know that the next guy you meet can be much better for you. But also learn from this. A leopard never changes his spots.
If you want a different outcome and stop having shitty relationships, you have to cut shitty men out when they show you who they are. You knew what he was like. Were you an affair partner? I ask because serial cheaters like this love to toss that back in their usually young and naive gfs face when she complains about his behavior. He kicked you out – like on the streets?? For how many days and you still care about him? There’s a reason older men with younger girls being a taboo is a taboo. It’s because they are creepy, sad men who have realized women their age will see their bs a mile away so they start dating younger. Don’t worry, I’m sure I sound like an asshole buy I sadly dated a 40 year old when I was 20. I’m finally 40 this year and I am so grossed out and disgusted by that. It’s not cool. At the time I and my geriatric bf joked about it, but I learned it was no joke, he was a child.
I am sorry for overstepping, but all of your post tells me that you have something in your past that you need to resolve. Something taught you that real love means accepting deep, deep pain hand in hand and that’s not true.
Get therapy. People are generally for better or worse, attracted to what they grew up with. If you had a stable home, you look sport that stability. If you had a chaotic home, you look for chaotic love. I know I did. If you grew up in dysfunction, or with an absent parent, you’re likely carrying some of that baggage into your relationships, when the rest of us see a sad sack of a man who can’t keep it in his pants long enough to sustain a relationship, you see an eligible bachelor. I’m not trying to be rude, I’m serious. Why you didn’t leave him at 4am when he picked up someone in your own car and bored them is unbelievable to me. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s relationship ending behavior, (and that’s why he did that.) Because he’s too immature to have been a Real grownup and broken up with you then. So he did it even more painfully later. He’s a trash dumpster of a man. You are a naive and hurt person who needs some therapy. But you’ll be okay. Just figure out why you like men who treat you like shit, let it really, really sink in in the way only therapy can, and you’ll be fine.
I’m sorry if this has been hard to read, but I see myself in your behavior. Good luck.
Stop dating men who disappoint you. When you wrote that line, he didn’t look at another woman for years- can you believe it- yeah, that’s the de facto behavior I expect when a man has landed an amazing woman. He shouldn’t ever be looking, and I better never see it.
Your options here are pretty clear:
Stay and know that he’s cheating. He already cheated once. You stayed. He has absolutely no reason to stop cheating now.
Boomerang when you leave and then he comes crawling back (already happened once at his direction) and be off kilter for the rest of your relationship because you’ll know he’s likely cheating, or is about to toss you out again, or is pulling other nonsense.
Go. Just go. Don’t look back. Block him. Learn from this. Someone who cheats to this level needs either a ENM relationship or no relationship. You need what you need and this guy is never going to give it to you.
You think you love this person, but he doesn’t love you.
No one who loves another person would do this to them, cause this kind of pain, kick you out, take you back, download another dating app and go out and cheat again. He is never going to stop because he doesn’t care about you or your feelings, really. I’m sorry. Nothing will ever be enough for him. No woman will ever be enough. He’s fundamentally broken and unable to love.
The question you need to be asking is not “how can this relationship function?”. It’s “Why have I put up with this for so long/at all?”
This guy needed your emotional support when his marriage ended, and you ended up in a relationship with him, and now he’s doing the same thing.
The only way this relationship can continue is if you just give him carte blanche permission to sleep with whoever he wants, and you learn to live with that. Never have unprotected sex with him again (assuming you ever did in the first place anyways).
He’s shown you who he is over and over. Now the only question that remains is what you do with that information. So far you have shown him who you are: someone who tolerates shitty behavior and lets men walk all over them.
Are you going to continue to be that person?
This is a pro and con list situation. What are the benefits of continuing in this relationship, which as others have wisely said, will not change. Time to list all the great things about this relationship. What does he do for you (when he’s not shagging or boffing (props Anonymousse for working that word in) other people on your car till 4am? Potential future cons include ectopic pregnancy (occur more with STDs). I’d love to hear what’s on the Pro list.
