“I’m Worried That My Boyfriend and I Are Drifting Apart”
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From a LW:
“I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost three years. He is 31 and I’m 25. He’s my first boyfriend and we’ve been living together for about a year and a half now. He is a very supportive, sweet and caring partner. He has a good sense of humor and intelligent. I’m always the happiest when I’m with him, we have good laughs together, and we enjoy doing a lot of things together.
We also have a lot of differences. We have different taste is music, and movies. I remember him basically saying that I don’t pick the best movies. The movies that he picks are too logical for me, lets just put it to perspective; he likes Interstellar and I like Pretty Woman. Another one is, he is very particular in cleanliness and I am not. I am very emotional and sensitive and he is smart and practical. When is he angry he burst out like volcano and very expressive, when Im angry I’m unexpressive and cry.
We don’t fight a lot, but when we do he curses at me and says unpleasant names. He says I’m very naive and stupid and that I don’t think. He is mostly saying that I don’t have common sense. He says I make him feel bad. For example: He lost to a game, and I said something and he got distant and told me that I made him feel worse and he said “you are such a pro, thank you very much” I expressed to him that I don’t mean it that way.
I don’t have the best vocabulary or same level of intelligence as him but I have never liked cursing or throwing nasty names. I am always the first one to make peace and lower my ego. I feel like somehow everything in me builds up and I carry a burden from our past arguments too and I don’t have that crazy sex drive anymore. I’m afraid that we both will drift apart which I clearly don’t want to happen. Any advice?”
Calling people names and insulting them isn’t a form of love. When someone loves and cares for you – no matter how angry or upset they are – they don’t call you names, insult you, or blame you for their problems. They are good and kind to you ALL of the time not just some of the time. Blaming you for his failures is classic manipulative and abusive behavior. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who genuinely respects you and cares about your feelings? It’s pretty obvious that you aren’t ready to leave this guy, but you should definitely look into some type of therapy to help build your self-esteem.
Calling people names and insulting them isn’t a form of love. When someone loves and cares for you – no matter how angry or upset they are – they don’t call you names, insult you, or blame you for their problems. They are good and kind to you ALL of the time not just some of the time. Blaming you for his failures is classic manipulative and abusive behavior. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who genuinely respects you and cares about your feelings? It’s pretty obvious that you aren’t ready to leave this guy, but you should definitely look into some type of therapy to help build your self-esteem.
Agreed. He’s an emotionally abusive jerk and you deserve way better. You’re better than this and liking rom coms is not a bad thing. I hope you value yourself more in the new year and decide to choose a man who will love all parts of you. Name calling is not normal in a relationship.
Yes to what others are saying about the name-calling being abusive, horrible behavior. It’s not normal. It’s not okay.
Also, being emotional and sensitive does not preclude you from being smart and practical. You’re not less intelligent just because he tells you so. People who are *actually* smart and secure? Yeah, those people are confident in who they are, they know they don’t have anything to prove, so they don’t have to walk around braying about how smart they are or calling other people stupid.
I think this relationship has run its course. I also think therapy would be a great idea for you. You can work on the damage this relationship has done to your self-esteem and get the support you may need to leave and let go.
Ok, this is worse than you think it is, and you should move on. There’s a bad dynamic here where it’s not just that you don’t have the same tastes, it’s that he’s “smarter,” more “logical,” and “sensible,” while you supposedly lack common sense, are naive, have bad taste in movies, and you’re “sensitive,” although it’s him who seems to have anger and screaming issues. Ugh, no thanks, this is bullshit.
I don’t think he respects you very much, and without respect, a relationship can’t survive. This is what you’re experiencing now. His lack of respect and the things he’s said to you and how he’s made you feel have added up over time and made you feel distant and no longer very attracted.
This relationship is on life support and it’s not coming back. You should break up with him. Just tell him you’re not feeling it anymore. The chemistry isn’t there. Then you can move out, move on, and meet someone you have all the elements of chemistry with. To understand what went wrong here, I recommend the book “Is He Mr Right?” By Mira Kirshenbaum.
I loved Interstellar- but I also read history books for fun and am a huge nerd. I would not take that movie to my girlfriend and expect her to be thrilled. He is not smarter than you, he’s mean. And that is different. Running around telling your gf that she is stupid, and not “logical” is the weirdest way to harass someone, I have been in a relationship where a man insinuated that because I have emotions, I’m not as logical as he, emotionless. That’s ridiculous.
Emotional intelligence is intelligence. When you love someone, and you are actually “sweet, supportive” and fun to be around- you don’t take your bad moods out on your girlfriend and call her terrible names and tell her she is stupid and not logical.
This man doesn’t deserve to have a girlfriend.
I hope you come back and edit this title to “I’m thrilled my bf and I are drifting apart.” He’s not going to change- and it could get worse.
Ugh, any man who calls you stupid and naive and that you don’t have common sense is not someone you need to keep around. Your partner should make you feel good about yourself and celebrate your strengths, not insult you and tear down your self esteem.
Your boyfriend also sounds like one of those sexist jerks who thinks women (I’m assuming you’re a woman, please forgive me if I’m wrong) are “too emotional” while men are “logical.” But anger is an emotion, and someone who can’t control his anger, who “bursts out like a volcano” and calls his partner nasty names, is actually the one who is way too emotional. I’m willing to bet your emotions aren’t damaging to him the way his are to you.
