“Is Going ‘No Contact’ with Mother-In-Law Appropriate?”
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From a LW:
“This has been a 6 month ordeal and my husband and I have only been married 9 months.
The background is that I’m 29 and my husband is 35 (almost 36). We got married last year and he had been single a VERY long time. We got married rather fast, like in 6 months of knowing each other. My only regret is that we didn’t get married sooner. He’s my soulmate and I love him very much.
When I first met my mother-in-law, she was very love-bomb-y. She said that she loved me the second time we met. She’d boast about me in front of people at church. She told me that she heard from God that ‘I’d be better to her than 7 sons’. I just let this all roll off my back and continued on with the whirlwind romance with my now-husband. As soon as we got engaged, weird dynamics with her started changing. At our engagement party, she started trying to argue with me and my family about flower arrangements and who was buying what for the wedding. My husband shut that down and said that we would talk about it later when we weren’t celebrating. She stormed out of the house. She returned after my FIL begged her. Later on, when my parent came to visit us, we all got together. My MIL asked my mom ‘well, what do you love about Jay???’ in front of both families. My mom is a little shy and said that she doesn’t know him very well (which was true) but what she knew, she liked. My MIL stormed out again. I let that roll off my back and just told my mom that she’s a little emotional and to just ignore it.
While wedding planning, I went with my MIL to pick out a veil and crown with her and chose our favorites. We looked at decor together. We shared meals together. I invited his family over a few times and made dinner for everyone. All the while, my husband is telling my mom that his mom needs help planning (we were getting married in my hometown). My mom happily agreed and reached out to my MIL with lists of potential venues for the rehearsal, restaurant choices, and even offered for her to come stay at their house for the weekend. My MIL was extremely rude and chewed her out, saying that she was self-righteous and overreaching.
Ouch. My mom graciously didn’t tell me these things so not to steal my joy. She offered to call her and talk to her so to apologize for the miscommunication (because all of that was over text, so I’ve seen the text messages and they were sickening). No response.
My MIL planned a wedding shower for me and my husband. My mom and aunt came to it. My husband and I had had our first fight the day before, so I was not in the best of spirits. I showed up to the bridal shower and noticed that I knew less that 5% of the people there. I am so glad my mom and aunt went. I was a little shy, to say the least. I also couldn’t eat most of the food they had out for us because I’m gluten intolerant. I tried to smile and be happy, but I was just so uncomfortable. My aunt, mom, and I were seated at a table by ourselves. My husband had to pull up a chair to sit with us. I was given slices of cake many, MANY times. I had to keep refusing. My mother in law kept making comments about me not eating. I kept thanking her for all of her hard work throwing the shower regardless. The next day, I found out from my husband that she was really mad at me and that a lot of the women had told her that we shouldn’t go through with the wedding because I didn’t look happy at the shower. I thought about the comments for a day and decided that I should go apologize because I wasn’t in my normal chipper mood that day because of the fight. I went to my ILs house alone and sat with them in their den. I apologized face to face and told them that I desperately loved my then-fiancé. They forgave me and we went on.
Fast forward to after the wedding. We are two-months married and we had probably 2-3 knock-out-drag-out fights. We had squabbled in between, but we were happy. I started noticing that we never did anything with the ILs. I asked my husband why and he said that he really just wanted to spend time just the two of us. I offered that he should invite them to go out to eat with us as we normally did (weekly or so), but he never got around to it. Then, when I did see my MIL in public (same church), I noticed that she was ignoring me. Even when I spoke directly to her, she would walk past me and hug and kiss on my husband. Weird. I brought it up to him, but he said he didn’t think anything was wrong. They stopped sitting by us at church. Then they stopped coming.
Then I found out why: my husband had been telling them IN DETAIL about our fights and personal life… yes even our sex life. How did I find out? Because when he asked her why she was acting like this, she said it was because of all of these specific instances that she wasn’t even there for. I asked my husband to ask them if we could all meet up and talk this out to clear the air. She sent me a text message saying that she wanted to meet with only me. My husband begged me not to go. I didn’t understand why. I felt completely in the dark about everything. Apparently, she had been begging him behind the scenes to divorce me and told him that I ruined their family. What?
It was at that time that my husband and I had to establish healthy boundaries with him and them. He agreed to stop oversharing and even went and apologized for getting them involved with our marriage. I was relieved.
It didn’t stop there though. My MIL went to the pastor of our church and slandered me. She told my husband that if I came to family holidays, she was going to get in a yelling match with me. So I didn’t go. And neither did he. That escalated her hate. She pleaded with him to divorce me and said that I was hiding secrets from everyone. She said that it was in her right to know what was happening to my husband because he’s her family and whatever affects him affects her. No boundaries.
I let her cool down for a few months. Missed a few more holidays. I found out about how she had treated my mom, so I had to get over that anger myself.
Finally, 3 months ago, I sent her a text saying that I would like to talk in person and know why she was upset and what I had done to offend her.
She clapped back so hard that it was dizzying. I have never seen such an awful text in my whole life. And I’m very close to a perfect stranger to her. She said that I should know what I have done and she didn’t need to say it… among other things about my character and personhood. I responded that I really didn’t know what exactly I did to her especially to get her so upset. She clapped back, basically saying I was the devil and I had these ‘secrets’. I just didn’t respond. My husband told her it was wrong that she sent those things, but that was about it.
A month ago, my husband reached out to his dad and asked what needed to be done for the family to sit together at church that Sunday. I had disagreed with him doing that because, to me, we needed to wait for them to come to us. I was right: she sent a nasty stream of text messages to my husband and I in a group text over the course of a week about how I was ruining the family and had some secrets (I still don’t know what about). I ended up blocking her on my phone because they were so frequent and demeaning.
I’m at a loss. I have left her blocked. But now I am stressing about what if we have kids? Is it right to stay no contact and keep my kids safe from her as well? I’m afraid that if she is this mad over nothing, then what happens if I actually do something wrong (and I’m human, so I probably will)? My husband said that he can’t even bring me up because if he does, she will go completely off her handle. So they just pretend I don’t exist.
Is it right if they want nothing to do with me, they don’t get access to my kids? And if they defame me with much with our pastor and who knows who else, will they trash me in front of my kids? I’m asking because we are think about having children soon and I want to set boundaries now. — Sad New Wife“
What I’m not really seeing here is what your husband is doing to help you through this. Yes he’s tried some half hearted things but considering the level of behaviour on display it’s not enough. Sure he said he set boundaries but after that his mother got the opportunity to beg him to divorce you?! It’s not adding up.
You might not like to hear this but I think you rushed into this marriage and now the chickens are coming home to roost. You’ve barely been together a year and a half and you’ve already had a bunch of ‘knock down drag out fights’, he was telling his MOTHER all about your sex life and you’re finding out a lot about his and your place in his family, very little of it good. He can’t talk to his mother about you so instead of handling that they both pretend you don’t exist. Is that something you’re comfortable with, potentially forever? Your kids over there pretending mum doesn’t exist?
Definitely hold off on having kids. Your marriage has bigger problems right now. Your husband sounds pretty hopelessly enmeshed and he doesn’t have your back. Trust needs to be re-established. Stay firm on keeping no contact yourself and straight to couples counselling. That kind of family dynamic takes a lot of work to untangle, you won’t be able to do it yourself.
Is your one regret really that you hadn’t gotten married sooner? Because reading this, I think you’re trying to tell yourself a story to make the reality seem better. You made a mistake. You may think it is so romantic to everyone that you got married so quickly but I knew what the issue was when you said you had known each other 6 months before tying the know, and so did everyone else reading this.
You didn’t know him or his family well enough and you’re bragging to everyone how you hadn’t even had a fight yet. That’s not something to be proud of. I’m not saying you should be fighting but it sounds like you barely know each other.
He tells his parents details about your sex life, and you think that kind of closeness just stopped? His mom thinks you are the literal devil because of what YOUR HUSBAND has said about you. Think about that. All the terrible stuff she knows, thinks or says is from him.
He probably still is talking about you that way. He’s not defending you or backing you up. You shouldn’t be meeting with her to clear the air, a real partner would be going to their parent FOR you and defending you. He stinks. Don’t have kids with him, and maybe next time think about why people wait more than a few months to get to know each other before they get legally tied together. He does not have your back. What do your friends think?
I echo Ange and Anonymousse and think you rushed into this marriage without truly knowing your husband and what you were signing up for with him and his family. It’s not normal or healthy to have regular knock-out-drag-out fights with your spouse in general, let alone in the newlywed stage. PLEASE do not bring children into this. You two are not functioning healthy as a married couple WITHOUT kids, and they are not known to make things *easier* and less stressful on a marriage.
I think you should consider a trial separation with your husband while you clear your head and get some perspective. If you can afford it, therapy would be a great option for you to help process this experience and figure out a plan forward that best supports your well-being.
Chiming in to say that what Wendy wrote is exactly what I was thinking as I was wandering around the train station earlier looking for Dunkin, and I got distracted and didn’t post. But absolutely.
I’m not surprised at all that he “was single for many years” before meeting you. Of course he was. No woman in their right mind would date, let alone marry a man who tells his parents personal stuff about his marriage, don’t even get me started on the sex stuff.
You need to get an implant or some fool proof permanent birth control right now.
All these things are red flags that you would have hopefully not missed if you’d taken time before marriage to get to one him and his family.
Wow! Where does one even start?!? Married less than six months and you say you’ve had multiple knock-down drag-out fights like that’s a normal thing? Knock-down drag-out fighting is not a normal thing, no matter who you are. Just so you know, the relationship between you and your MIL isn’t the only relationship that needs m some serious work. Whatever you do, just DON’T HAVE KIDS!
