“Issues with a New Colleague”
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From a LW:
“Somehow I always get caught in the middle of things by happenstance than on purpose. At work it happened again and don’t see a way to extricate myself. New colleague was hired while seasononed colleague was on medical leave and covering their shifts so I didn’t really work with them. Colleague on leave comes back and new colleague comes back and is now forced to work the later shift with me. I begin to hear the resentment and constant critiques of seasoned colleagues work style and inability to effectively carry out their tasks on time, namely because they are by themselves and the computer systems constantly going down. Mind you new colleague is acting as if it’s a huge deal more than management is.
They conduct themselves as if they were a supervisor, but are not. We have one. New colleague finds fault in other colleagues in other departments who we need to depend on to get our jobs done too. They’ve also expressed their frustration with this colleague who continually reports them for their shortcomings too. So far they’ve told me that they like working with me and tries to supervise me too, but I don’t allow it when there is someone at the supervisory level is on the shift to consult with.
In the meantime, I feel caught in the middle because I know that first shift working by oneself can be very stressful given the variables I described. I also know the challenges the othe departments experience too. They each have come to me telling me they are upset they were reported to the director. The director apparently spoke to colleague last night and told them to ease up as this is what they reported when I asked what they said. Now they are upset and said, “even if other colleague were lying dead, I wouldn’t help them. They could die for all I care.” What do I do with this information? How do I not get caught up when I have to work with this colleague at least 3 work days a week? Do I report her? My observations? — Colleague In the Middle”
You have to stop engaging. Don’t get into these conversations with them. Just be like, mmm, yeah, that’s wild, and go back to what you were doing. It sounds like you have a pattern of engaging when you should disengage. Google a little on toxic co-workers and how to handle the type that’s always complaining. There should be some tactics there. Good luck.
I’m also curious how you are responding. This coworker seems to consider you a safe space for venting, which is what I take those comments to be. (Though yes, they’re very much in poor taste.) I’d not report her. I’d personally start by deflecting the comments hoping that low engagement discourages the behavior. If that doesn’t work or if for some reason the nature of your work together means you can’t do that, I don’t think it’s out of bounds to be direct with a comment like, “I prefer not to engage in work gossip.” And then get back to work. I’d enforce similar boundaries with coworkers who are talking about the new coworker to you as well. The less you hear about it from either side, the less you will feel like you are caught in the middle of something.
You can also say things like, “you know, I dont want to get caught up in the middle of this.” And then show that you dont want to. You can do that by listening sympathetically for a little while and then getting back to your work, and by not reporting anything this co-worker said to anyone else and vice-versa. Whatever they say just dies with you. You’re not a conduit.
Another tactic you could try is to do some player-coaching on this person. You can listen, restate what you think you heard, “so it sounds like…. Is that right?” And then ask them like, have you ever been in a situation like this before? Oh, ok, tell me about that. And what did you do that worked? What are some ideas you have about how to approach this? What are you going to try first?” So you’re listening, restating, but not telling them anything, just asking questions to get them to a place of being able to solve their own problems. Somewhere in there you can also ask them, “what do you know to be true here?” Get them to state facts. At the end ask them, “if you could wave a magic wand, what would you have happen?” People eat this up.
Coaching will lead this person to assume that you’re on their side. They may then tell leadership that other people feel as she does and mention the LW by name.
Best to just mmm-hmm this person or say something non committal like “I don’t feel the same, but I can see this makes you very frustrated, you should talk to management about this.” Let them be her sounding board and their problem with which to deal. Sounds like they are already getting frustrated and the colleague will be on her way out soon enough.
I like Kate’s suggestions for coaching, but no time for this at work. There is a technique called grey rocking that really works in this situation. Even though the colleague left, I suggest everyone learn how to grey rock as there will be more of these people in your future.
“Wow, I’ve never had issues with Bill.”
“This sounds like an issue for HR.”
“I’m sorry you’re having these issues, but I can’t help you myself, I’m struggling with my own (insert no real personal/or work stuff here.)”
“I am really bad at this type of work interpersonal stuff, I avoid it at all costs. I kind of just come in to work and then go home, and avoid the drama but that sounds exhausting. Good luck with that!”
It’s like with young children, unless it’s directly negatively impacting your work or life, ignore the behavior you’re least interested in feeding. I don’t like to waste time gossiping or hearing about stupid drama, so I try not to bring it up and I walk away or directly tell people I’m not interested. I don’t have a problem with being direct with others usually. If you build better work boundaries, you will feel happier at work. You don’t have to listen to people vent and be unpleasant if you don’t want to.
While typing this out, I realize I do this with my mother, too. She is petty, catty, unpleasant and is largely looking for someone to join in her nasty mood or whatever and I refuse to do it. I will literally hang up on my mother instead of join in. I give her a warning first, I am not completely rude about it. My life is short, I don’t have time for this shit.
