Major Problem @Work…Please Help
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Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my lengthy post…I am sure your eyes were rolling the entire time. That said, it was important to me to share things from my perspective and to seek out thoughts from others that have no connection with me and can be completely objective. Life can be complicated. I signed up for an account for that very reason and have never shared this with anyone I actually know.
I want to make something clear – I would never enter into an inappropriate relationship with a married man. Ever. And even if he wasn’t married, the work dynamic makes it impossible, as well. So yeah, that’s why I referred to it as a “no win situation.”
You bring up some great points that I undoubtedly needed to hear. I would love to just move on from all of this and never give it a second thought. But unfortunately, this is someone I have no choice but to interact with and spend a lot of time around. I will take your advice to heart and will just to try and stop thinking about it. We all have the gift of free will and I just need to let it be.
Thanks again.
I would really try to limit time with him to just required meetings. At parties and stuff, find other people to talk to.
And yes you can control your feelings about a situation. It’s not easy, and it takes a lot of discipline, but it’s a life skill everyone needs to develop. Just recognizing that there’s a reality outside your head sometimes (or what’s going on in your head is not reality) can help.
Maybe he’s known for years you are attracted to him and had a fleeting thought that you would be a convenient distraction. Maybe something was slightly out of balance in his home life so he momentarily paid attention to you. He’s never actually flirted with you and I hate to burst your bubble but married people can be momentarily attracted to someone without it meaning much or anything about their spouse or decisions.
Maybe you can re-frame this internal narrative from being a built-up forbidden lust story to a stop embarrassing yourself in front of your married boss, story.
You are at least pushing 40. It’s well past time you grew up and stopped living for a juvenile fantasy. If, after all this time, he hasn’t left his wife or even approached you, it isn’t going to happen.
Seek therapy.
And the saddest part of this obsession: it is probably the result of your yearning for a relationship/sex partner, but by obsessing on this one totally unavailable and totally taboo guy, you yourself have frozen your romantic possibilities. Maybe you just want a fantasy lover and he has been your buffer from having to reengage this part of your life for real.
Another thing… this isn’t a major problem at work. A major problem is getting caught sleeping with your boss, or being discriminated against, or being put on a PIP, or messing up a relationship with a big client.
@Kate, I referred to it as a “major problem,” because I feel like things have entered “weird town,” and we both seem to have issues acting normal around each other. And he goes out of his way to be around me when there are literally hundreds of other people he could choose to sit with. This is a very important professional relationship for me to maintain, and it is now awkward AF, due to some of the things that have, and continue to happen (the excessive eye contact and him seemingly wanting to be around me more than others). I fully expected that after the stare down incident, he would avoid me like the plague. But it has been the exact opposite. So I am scratching my head over the whole thing.
Some of you have stated that maybe he started the weird eye contact because he sensed that I had a crush and was uncomfortable. I can tell you unequivocally that until he started staring, I never gave him a passing thought other than, “oh, he’s good looking and I respect him, but he is off the market, so oh well, – next!” I only started developing feelings after it seemed (to me at least) that he was interested personally.
But like I said in my previous reply, I just need to stop thinking about it and hope that given time, things will go back to how they used to be. Things haven’t crossed any serious lines, thank goodness, so there is hope. And thank you for your thoughtful replies – I so appreciate it.
That old cliche, “it takes two to tango,” has a lot of truth to it. This is only a major problem if you make it one, and you can very quickly de-escalate it by not participating in the flirtation.
These kinds of situations happen all the time in the workplace. You work closely with someone, spending a lot of time together, and things get a little flirty. There’s a little spark of attraction. That’s happened to me a bunch of times over a long career. It doesn’t mean anything.
You say you’re not getting involved with a married man. So don’t. Stop flirting. No prolonged eye contact. Don’t sit next to him in meetings. Restrict your conversations to work topics, and then only when necessary. You don’t have to make a scene or make a big deal about it, just act like you do with other coworkers. He’ll get the message that you’re not going to play, and it’ll be over.
You’ve blown this up in your mind into a big giant Thing, and it’s not.
I’ve said this on a lot of forum threads and letters, but I can count many times, particularly when I was a teenager, when I was absolutely convinced that someone was staring at me and they weren’t. Or they were, but it was not out of interest. “Eye contact” can’t happen unless both people are looking at each other, though.
“Things haven’t crossed any serious lines, thank goodness, so there is hope.”
This kind of passive voice doesn’t help. Things don’t happen. People do things. Lines can’t be crossed unless you choose to cross them, so luckily, you can definitely be certain that no lines will be crossed ever, if that’s what you choose.
@J_D you have known this man for years and have gotten to know him on a personal level. You know he has a wife, you know her NAME, you probably know his life story, and assuming he may have children, etc. However, here you are wanting others to tell you its okay to want to have an affair. NOPE, not gonna happen! Where is your empathy, your morals, your conscious? You know his wifes NAME!!! That alone should make you say bad idea. More or less you sound like you want to be a homewrecker. Lets say he is flirting with you and giving you the “eye contact”, you dont initiate back unless you want to be that women child homewrecker. Doesnt matter if he is happy or NOT in his marriage. Marriage is hard but it is beautiful and rewarding. Some people fall weak in their marriage that opens the door for fools to engage. Dont be a fool. Also, you need to reflex on your personal life. Single then single now. Youve been eyeing this guy from the get-go. The way you word your narrative sounds more like fantasy… Get a grip.
@Poppy, I can take criticism better than the next person, but jeez. When did I say that I think it is “ok” to be involved with a married man and that I seek to be a “homewrecker?” I never said those things, nor do I *think* them. In fact, I believe I said the exact opposite.
The entire point of my post was to express the effed up quagmire of the situation that has ensued with someone I have to work with and to seek out advice as to how to navigate it. And to try to gain insight into what he seems to be actively doing, so I know what I am “up against.”
Please don’t make assumptions about my intent. I have admitted my strong feelings for him, but have also shared the fact that I have intentionally not engaged in anything other than what I have shared. It is, and has been, a platonic, yet extremely uncomfortable scenario. I came here for advice and not to be labeled as something I am not.
She hasn’t actually made any action to do any of that, Poppy.
DJ, let’s say for the sake of argument that he does look at you, seek you out etc and it’s more than “this is a person that I’ve worked with for 15 years and feel friendly and comfortable with her.”
He’s still married, and he’s still your boss’s boss’s boss. Even if he does find you attractive, he’s made zero move towards you, ever. And you would be committing career suicide if you ever did. If it was ever going to “happen” it would have-long ago. It hasn’t and it’s not going to.
It’s a fun fantasy, but that’s all it is. It’s a work crush. Have you ever heard of work husband’s or work wives? Maybe it’s sort of like that, he’s your buddy at work.
You need to push these feelings down down down into the depths and stop staring at him.
Also, you should try dating. “The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else”-my Aunt Linda.
