Major Problem @Work…Please Help
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Add me to the column of those thinking the LW seems dying to embark on the affair to end all affairs. Protest all you want, LW. But your initial post goes on and on so breathlessly about how long this great love for the ages has been building for years upon years now. If you fail to see this — and lash out instead at others for merely pointing out the obvious… well, sweetie… you are only lying to yourself. Sorry. But that is the way I — and many others — see it. So NEWSFLASH! There must be some truth to what we all claim to see there.
You literally say he does not flirt with you – but the sexual tension is as thick as a knife.
How do you know that if he’s not flirting? Is standing close to you? Is he touching you? Are you guys having intimate or personal conversations? If none of that is happening…your attraction to him is overwhelming but it doesn’t sounds like he’s expressing any interest beyond professional interest.
If all you’ve got is that he looks at you in meetings and that he sits near you in professional events, that is normal behavior.
Have other people noted anything? I remember in my first job I had a crush on a coworker, and it would seem he returned it. He had a girlfriend, and even though we flirted like crazy with one another I had the minimum professional savvy to keep it to that, as did he (oh – but the shame looking back at how inappropriate we were. Whatever I’m not in that industry anymore so its fine).
Anyways – I told a coworker I liked him, and she was like yeah duh. You two need to tone it down. Does anyone else seem to think he likes you? If not, than its wishful thinking on your part.
What are you getting from him/this fantasy that you aren’t getting elsewhere? What changes in your life can you make that will help you get those things elsewhere so you can stop the thoughtstfeelings toward your unavailable superior at work?
@Ron, EXACTLY. This so called fantasy has turned very concerning, quit frankly a bit creepy. Sure we all might have fun fantasy crushes but at what point do you remember specific incidences over a 9yr time period of flirting with a person that you can give estimated time frames and what actually occured, and on top of it she had been in a serious relationship. Unless LW keeps a journal….. Idk, thats unusual. The fact that she is willing to kill her career over eye contact is concerning about where her mental state is. He hasnt made a move in 9 yrs nor are there indicators to say he is interested per her narrative. If this man made a move on her she would be all over him.
Hi again. Thanks for your additional thoughts. I am more than game to have a respectful discussion with people I believe can provide insight. Why else would I pour my soul to complete strangers about something so personal (and highly controversial)? This is gonna be another long one, but I have a lot of feedback to respond to and also some additional context to share. If you don’t care to read it, I understand…just forget this evil thread ever entered your lives and move on to the next one. But here it goes…
I digress, I digress. I read my original post again with a clear head and yes – I completely understand the entire “romance novel” connotation and *well-deserved* backlash I received from some of you about how I was romanticizing this friendship. Please understand that this is the first I am telling *anyone* *any* of this so yeah, it was a bit overwhelming for me to put down in writing – kind of like a weight was being lifted. I had to get it all out. And I also admitted for the first time to someone (other than myself for the past year), that I have very strong feelings for this guy. Which is an awful, horrible thing given the circumstances, but I decided that the only way to gather honest thoughts was to be completely honest with you…the good, the bad, and the ugly. (That is also part of the reason I tried to inject humor!) I probably should have expressed things differently on the onset. So here is my attempt to do so.
Some of you commented on how bizarre it seemed that I remembered so much specific detail of an almost 15-year acquaintance and that it must denote an “obsession” of some sort. For me, recalling that level of detail is the norm. I have a nickname at work – they call me “steel trap” due to my memory (blessing and a curse). So I wouldn’t read too much into that part of it – I remember a plethora of details regarding all acquaintances, not just one that would become so significant to me after all these years. And admittedly, since things started changing with this guy over the past year, I have played it all back in my head several times, so it came out more like a “story.” Additionally, I wanted you to understand the dynamic of how our friendship progressed over the years – mainly so I could glean feedback on how things are different now. That’s why I took it alllll the way, way back. Anyway.
Some background on me. I was born and raised in England and was relocated to the US for the job I have now (I moved here aged 25 and am now 39). The culture there is very different…you just don’t share personal information unless it is with an extremely close friend. At school and work, it’s all business. When I moved here, it was a culture shock. To this day, I struggle breaking away from my extremely private tendencies (hence why I am spilling my guts on Dear Wendy!!, versus speaking with a friend). I don’t talk about anything personal at work, other than the basic stuff (favorite food, music, blah blah blah). To this day, I have never shared anything *overly* personal with my “friend” (who is 40, btw). He is much the same (or was) – no relationship talk, etc. Just fun, harmless topics, teasing me about my “posh” accent (which I am desperately trying to lose, but at least I have mastered American spelling), etcetera. Which segues into my next point.
There has been a lot of discussion about what other things have occurred to make me believe things have “changed” regarding our interactions (other than the staring, etc.). No, he hasn’t flirted with me and is far from the flirting type (nor am I). He is very quiet and reserved. And yes…shy. He recently admitted to me that while he is very commanding in his professional life, he is a very shy person that struggles with intimate connections. He told me he has always had a hard time with wanting to be “liked,” but not knowing how to engage people. Off the charts introvert (per his words). So imagine my surprise when recently (around the same time the staring started) he started sharing some personal baggage with me. He told me he and his wife are complete opposites and he struggles with communicating with her. She resents his long hours and constant focus on work. And he also said he worries about his kids (he has a 19-year old son and a 17-year old daughter). He said his wife insisted on raising them the complete opposite of what he thought was *right* and as a result, they are a bit on the wild, inappropriate side. So I thought that was very out of character for him. And he has started “fishing” a bit about my personal situation. He outright asked me if I live alone and what I am doing to stay “safe.” About six months ago, I mentioned in passing that I needed to change maid services and he got rather controlling and possessive. He literally raised his voice to me and said I should never, ever, EVER! let someone have access to my house. I was rattled over that. I told him I regularly work 65-70 hour weeks (which includes many weekends…which he already knows), so what would he expect me to do? He didn’t have an answer for that, but shot me a very angry look. I was like, wtf?? He now sends me random emails to “check on me” (he never used to do that) and asks how things are going at home, have I been to any fun concerts lately?, did I know so-and-so band is coming to town?, etcetera. So yeah, my radar has been up and it was clear (to me, in my mind, haha) he was taking an overly personal interest. I guess I should have shared this before, but the original post was already 50 pages long and I wasn’t sure it was that relevant…I thought the staring and always following me around was enough.
Someone asked if anyone else has noticed our interactions. My closest work friend (male) made a comment a couple of months ago when my “friend” sat next to me at a dinner. He said, “wow – he always finds you, doesn’t he!?” Of course, that made me feel quite uncomfortable and I just played it off.
So there you have it. What was I hoping to gain from my original post? Other than airing my dirty laundry, I was looking for insight into what he seems to be up to. And to figure out how to manage it, given my (highly, highly unfortunate, immoral <<insert your own adjective here>>) attraction to him. No…I wouldn’t “jump at the chance” to start something up with him in the present state. He is married and we both have incredible careers to look after. If he wasn’t married, sure, I would find a different job in a millisecond. But he is married, and it is what it is. Oh well.
You’re missing something huge though. It doesn’t matter at all what he’s thinking or what he’s “up to.” It’s completely irrelevant because he’s married and your boss. Even if you felt uncomfortable and harrassed, his thought process wouldn’t matter. The only thing that matters is how you deal with it.
By the way, this is very bizarre and inappropriate and reads creepy, just saying, as a female mid-career professional brought up in the US. Very messed up:
“And he has started “fishing” a bit about my personal situation. He outright asked me if I live alone and what I am doing to stay “safe.” About six months ago, I mentioned in passing that I needed to change maid services and he got rather controlling and possessive. He literally raised his voice to me and said I should never, ever, EVER! let someone have access to my house. I was rattled over that. I told him I regularly work 65-70 hour weeks (which includes many weekends…which he already knows), so what would he expect me to do? He didn’t have an answer for that, but shot me a very angry look. I was like, wtf?? He now sends me random emails to “check on me” (he never used to do that) and asks how things are going at home…”
So I don’t know if he’s interested or not – I’d still hazard no, but he now feels comfortable with you after 15 years to discuss his life with you, to treat you as a confidant, to check in on you after your breakup because he cares about you as a person, and he perhaps has some retrograde ideas about women living alone. All of your additions still sound like reaches, like you want him to want you so you are adding romantic motivations to his otherwise normal friendly actions.
You said someone else you liked him – what did they say? Were they like – oh yeah it’s super obvious you are both into each other? Or it’s super obvious you are into him (but not vice verse)? Or huh – wouldn’t have guessed that. I know you say he’s super shy but he successfully managed to indicate interest a woman at least once before, he could do it again if he wanted.
Regardless let’s say he’s interested. You’re not about to do anything immoral – so what does it matter what he’s up to, right? Keep it professional if you need for your own sanity, or move onto a new job. 40 isn’t super young but it’s not too old for a change, if that’s what you wanted.
@Kate, thank you for being a constant voice of reason. You are right – it only matters what *I* do about it. But I am acting weird, avoiding eye contact, etc. It would be quite easy if I wasn’t attracted, but sadly, I am. I just need to stay focused and try to treat him like others (like I *used to* treat him). It will probably take time, but I will make a concerted effort. There is a lot at stake for me to keep my shit together around him. Also, I never thought about his behaviour towards me being “creepy,” but you raise a good point. Hopefully things stay above board.
@Ele4phant, thanks for your great insight. To clarify, I have only told this forum about my feelings – no one in my *real* life knows anything about this saga (sorry if that wasn’t clear). And he has no idea of my breakup, as I have never discussed my personal relationships with him. Did he hear about it through the grapevine, probably not, but who knows? And yeah, I guess it really doesn’t matter what he is up to if I just choose to keep it professional.
