You had a regrettable hookup; it happens. Next time you go clubbing have a plan in place for what you’ll do if a dude you’re not into touches you in a way you don’t like. Get comfortable with having and enforcing boundaries. Male attention isn’t that hard to come by and you can’t function as though some rando is your only opportunity to get some, he isn’t.

Finally, your hang up on his race is pretty gross. Stop it.

Oh & it’s none of your parents business who you make out with. You’re starting to be an adult so you get to make your own decisions about your life. You did nothing beyond a few kisses anyway so no need to feel guilt or worry. Kissing a man you do want will make it more fun next time.

I’m leaving this letter up because it’s real, and there is a real issue to be solved (needing to learn how to rebuff unwanted male attention, handling anxiety), but the racist overtones are not a good look.

Note: I edited the letter. It didn’t use any slurs or bad language, it was just offensive.

Your parents’ and your racism is the true ugliness here. It’s really gross and not a good look. Your naiveté is pretty alarming, too. When someone you aren’t interested in in kissing tries to kiss you, don’t kiss back, no matter how flattered you might be by the attention. Simply turn your head, and, depending on the exact situation, tell him “no” firmly, that you aren’t ready for that yet, or that he has the wrong idea. In this particular situation, you should have pulled away when he leaned in to kiss you, walked away and stayed near your friends. If he tried to make a move on you again, you could have left. You also should not be drinking in public — you’re a minor, it’s illegal, and you have poor decision-making skills to begin with so it’s not wise to create more challenges by drinking around people you don’t know or trust.

Heather’s article about rejecting guys at a bar has some good ideas, but I disagree that you owe a guy ANYTHING because he bought you a drink. You shouldn’t let a guy buy you a drink in the first place. Just say no, thank you, you’ll get your own (when you’re 21). Letting guys buy you drinks is dumb because 1) it gives them an opportunity to slip drugs in it, 2) now they’ve made you feel obligated to stand and talk to them.

Contrary to what that article says, you also don’t need to smile when you’re rejecting someone. If he’s being nice, polite, and respectful and not grabbing at you, okay, you can be nice back. But do NOT feel you need to smile at a guy who grabbed you from behind. Get his hands off you, look him in the eye, say NO, and walk away.

Lots of things in your letter that could use some attention but they all follow a pattern. You are passive and let other people make decisions for you.

When it comes to drinks, even when you are of legal age, don’t feel like you to need to do what the rest of the group does. If you don’t want a drink don’t have a drink. Even if your friend changes her mind you can still not have a drink. You need to be the decision maker in your own life. Right now you are passive and let other people make the decisions.

We see the other person making decisions when the guy grabs you and you don’t keep moving away. If you don’t want to have anything to do with the guy you need to pull away and keep going. When you stopped when he grabbed you he took that as permission to continue. He shouldn’t take that as permission but he did. You need to protect yourself and make your own decisions. Don’t wait to see what he has decided to do. In this situation that means pulling away from him and keep moving. You don’t need to give an excuse for why you are moving on, no need to say your roommate needs you. Just pull away and keep going.

Now we get to the racism. You want to do what your dad told you to do. I get it. You want to make your parents happy and if they aren’t happy they may punish you by not paying for college or by making you come home to “save” your from ruining yourself. This is where it gets tricky. If your parents are paying for school and you are breaking their rules and values then they can choose to quit paying for school. You have to consider what would happen if you don’t follow their rules. In general the person with the money makes the rules and you follow them until you can make your own money. I wouldn’t blatantly break the rules if it would affect your ability to pay for college. I don’t know how much of it your parents are paying but if you need the financial support be careful. At the same time try to not be judgmental about people of other races. If you will sit back and watch you will see that people are people. One of the best things I got out of college was the opportunity to work with people from all over the world. I found that people are very much the same the world over. Everyone was in college because they wanted a better life. They wanted a better opportunity.

Your parents can’t make your decisions for you forever. I’m guessing your parents have raised you to be a passive, good girl who does what she is told. As you see that doesn’t work for an adult in an adult world. It is time to start thinking for yourself. It is time to start making your own decisions. You will have a miserable life if you continue to passively allow the people around you to make decisions for you that directly affect you.