Men and Their Compliments
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So I need some advice. I went on a date with a man and he was really physically attracted to me. However, a couple of things did not click. Overall, his taste is for motorcycles and he works in film and likes sports bars. I am a bit more into cultural events and sushi places. Hit all that aside, he kept saying how “sweet” and “wholesome, clean cut, beautiful,positive and SUPER smart” I was compared to his exes who were more loose living (sleeping around, drugs, etc). He also said I was a bit out of his age range (I mean he’s 2 years older than me) but we could still “have fun”. Well, I was non responsive to that because I feel I am more valuable than some booty call. However,despite strong sexual chemistry I said goodnight with a simple hug and sent a courtesy text thanking him for a nice evening. Why do men compliment and seem to admire my qualities but then do not call again?
What does it matter whether he calls back if certain things didn’t click? Why would you want him to call you back?
You’ve told us what he said about you but not much about what you thought about him except that things didn’t click. What did you think? Were you attracted to him?
If not why not be glad he didn’t call knowing that sooner or later the right guy will call back. All the rest are irrelevant.
Ok, don’t shoot the messenger, but those weren’t compliments. He insulted you. He said you were too old for him but he’d courtesy-bang you. “Wholesome, clean cut, smart” mean “boring af” in this context, comparing you to his exes.
As to why this is a pattern, I don’t know. You’re picking the wrong men.
I’m a little confused. You weren’t interested in pursuing anything with him, right?
A lot of men use compliments as a dating strategy, rather than simply because they mean it. From what you said, it sounds like you went on one date with him. Any compliment someone gives you after or during one date is pretty superficial. Sure, they can find you nice or smart or whatever, but they don’t know you. I don’t really take any compliment to heart from any guy unless I’ve known him for a while.
Even if someone truly means it (and is not just trying to win you over), a person can think you’re nice or smart or whatever and still not be interested in you. As Kate is saying, someone who just wants a booty call and usually dates people who have wilder lifestyles probably isn’t going to value being wholesome, etc., as much as someone else might. Otherwise, he’d have dated women he considered wholesome, etc.
Why are you writing into an advice forum wondering about why he doesn’t call? Would you want him to?
He didn’t call because he likes fun booty calls.
I am asking on an advice site not because I want this particular person to call back but because this has happens to me often and I am almost wondering if there is something I am doing wrong. This happens to me repeatedly: macho-type men see me, pursue me intensely, seem very physically attracted to me, there is a lot of sexual chemistry. BUT when I say I love to travel (5 countries this past year due to my global management job) and don’t drink or do drugs, have a post-grad degree, love sports, don’t hop into bed with them off the bat no later how much they try, they stop calling. I am actually quite fun, love to dance and joke around and have tons of friends, so I am not a snooze fest that talks all work or can’t loosen up. In fact during the date they all say “wow, you are really smart, sweet, wholesome, funny, outgoing, etc” and start bitterly complaining about how their exes were “loose” “sloppy” “didn’t take care of themselves”…. at least 3 said “you kept your Eastern European feminine upbringing, growing up here did not turn you into an ‘angry feminist’…you have a feminine innocent attitude…good for you”. (Actually they are ignorant as hell cuz growing up in an Easten European family a woman is expected to be VERY tough and get a SOLID career/education AND be pretty/slim or embarrass the family). These same men just pile on the ignorant compliments and then go back to the women they spoke so negatively about. Am I doing something wrong? How am I attracting these jerks?
I think you answered your own question. You explained it well. You’re going out with sexist, misogynistic assholes. Look at how they’re describing their exes, for one thing. That’s disgusting. If a guy is talking about his ex like that, it’s a red flag and you should cut the date short and call it a night. Look at how they want you to be “feminine,” and are turned off by your global management job and your independent lifestyle.
They’re assholes who just want sex from you. They’re not actually interested in dating you. The “compliments”are an act to get your guard down for sex. When it doesn’t work, they don’t bother to pursue it because they weren’t that interested to begin with. You’re wasting time with these macho sexist jerks who hate women. That’s not what all American men are like. Branch out.
Another thing… are you online dating or just going out with guys who see you on the street and pursue you, i.e. a self-selected sample of guys who A) only have your physical appearance to go on, and B) are ballsy enough to approach you? Not that online dating doesn’t have its challenges, but there are all types of guys online, and it’s an environment where guys who may not be so bold as to pursue you on the street are able to approach you. Nice, thoughtful guys who are looking for a relationship are more likely to actually look at your profile too, and see what you say about yourself. And you can do the same! If their profile says nothing, or it says “I always seem to date sloppy, loose women. I want to meet innocent, feminine, Eastern European women for hookups,” then you can swipe left.
This pattern also indicates you’re shooting out of your league. The fact that you’re very sexually attracted to these guys but they’re not interested in dating you is a giveaway that you’re confusing what you can “pull” for a hookup with what you can pull for a relationship. The guys who would respect you, appreciate you, and want to date you aren’t these hot rugged macho types. I’m not sure what type they are, but you should experiment and try to find out.
I’d skip the macho type men. When one pursues you refuse to go out. When you meet a guy who presents himself in the way that these macho type guys have you turn him down.
The next step for jerks like that is a hookup. That’s why they aren’t calling. If you aren’t going to go to bed with them immediately, they aren’t interested. The guys you are choosing to date want easy sex.
I mean, you’re lucky in a way that they aren’t pursuing you further. That’s most likely not going to lead to anything other than a hookup.
It sounds like the problem is with you, in some way. I don’t know how you’re meeting these guys, but if they’re a pattern, you need to take a step back and do some deeper examining of what you are doing.
Why go on dates with guys like this? If they talk badly about other women, compliment you insincerely and don’t want to invest in you before sex…you aren’t missing out. Those are all red flags.
Are you intimidating?
Have you asked your close friends for feedback?
When guys speak badly about their exes, or feminists, it’s a sign that they don’t respect women, even “feminine” ones like you. That should be your clue to move on.
Everything you described that happened on that date screamed that you were wildly incompatible. Incompatible interests, incompatible values, incompatible personalities. You weren’t into him at all. Why are you surprised that he also realized that this was going nowhere?
“macho-type men see me, pursue me intensely, seem very physically attracted to me, there is a lot of sexual chemistry”
Guys who pursue you that intensely before they know anything about you are looking for a hookup. That’s it.
I’m with everyone else.You’re dating the wrong men. Just about all the guys I had relationships were people I knew, at least a little. Men I was in class with, or worked with, or were friends of friends. We got together because our personalities clicked. Sure, there was physical attraction there, too, but that was only one part of a larger picture.
