“Met a Man on a Dating Site…”
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From a LW:
“I recently put my photos and profile on a new dating site. The first day I was on there this man started messaging me. He started referring to me as “darling” right away. He said he is a widower for five years. He is a very wealthy man with a prestigious job, and many assets. I checked it out, and it is true. We started chatting every day, and everything clicked OK. He has an office in the United States, but the whole time we have been chatting, he has been in another country. He has been selling his house over there so he can liquidate some of his assets. Anyway, we talked about meeting when he gets back to the U.S. After about a week, he said he might be falling in love with me. I said I like you a lot, but let’s wait on that until after we meet.
A couple of days ago, I was feeling kind of confused about this situation. When he sent me a little text asking me how my day is going, and I replied Not great. The text messages were taking 5 or more minutes between messages because he is so far away. I sent him a text that said “I don’t enjoy this, please call me.” He said “ok, I will call you.” He didn’t call me back. I sent him an email telling him that I was sad and confused about this. He has not contacted me now for two days. This is the second time in two weeks that he has pulled away for a few days. The last time he did this, I sent him a little text saying that it would be nice to hear from him. He came back in a day, and we continued to chat and get to know each other. When we were chatting again, I mentioned it, and he said he was mad at himself for doing that. It seems like he is doing this again now, because I said in my recent text ” I don’t like this.” What I meant was the texting taking so long. I did not mean “I don’t like you.” Anyway, I don’t know what to do about this. He may be backing away because he think that I am after his money. I actually do like him ,not just the money. Should I give him another chance if he comes back again?
He will come back to the U.S. when his property is sold. That could take awhile. There are others from the dating site pursuing me, but I am too upset about this guy to do anything. We had discussed where we might live together in retirement. He is getting ready to retire, and I am already retired. I hope that you can say something other than just forget him. I know most people would say that, but I can see why he is afraid because women are interested in him for his money. His Facebook info revealed that he has been hurt before.I need your advice. Thanks, Hopeful”
Because you asked for someone to say something other than “forget him”…
BOTH of you are waving bright red flags here. You have not met in person yet, you haven’t spent any amount of meaningful time together. You don’t know him. You should not be discussing where you will retire with someone you do not know nor should you wait “awhile” for him to return to to U.S. I think you’d be foolish not to go out with the local men on dating sites who are showing interest in getting to know you.
Given the details here I’d not be surprised if this turns out to be some kind of scam.
How did you verify he has a prestigious job and many assets? Are you even sure you’re talking to that guy? Because I can put myself on a dating site with Wendy’s picture and say that I run an advice blog and have two kids and a husband and link to this site but I’m not actually Wendy. Y’see? His Facebook may simply be a whole bunch of lies that he uses to con nice women with retirement money into giving him money.
Personally, this all screams red flags to me. You’re getting emotionally invested in someone you have never actually met in person. You don’t know if this person is actually who he says he is and you’re losing out on people who are in your area who are likely nice guys. Date the people in your area.
This SCREAMS scam, scam, scam. I would bet a Nigerian prince $40 million you are not texting with who you think you are.
This screams romance scam! Please make sure you’ve googled all about romance scams and how they work, and how people are being scammed on dating sites. These people are really really good at it. They steal real people’s pictures and make fake profiles and that’s probably getting better and better with AI. He’s probably pulling away because he has other fish on the line.
As others have wisely said, this has the hallmarks of a scam—which anyone can fall for, at any time. It’s common for scammers throughout history to lull potential victims into not being concerned about their own money by projecting wealth. Seems like a lot of effort, but some folks just prefer grift to graft. If you can’t give up on the idea of this guy, set a limit on how long til a video call (3 days?), and an in-person meet up (2 weeks?). Think about why you have invested so much emotionally, for so little return. Is there any way you can focus your efforts on truly available people?
Yeah, I’m joining everyone else in saying that this is almost certainly a scam. He’s telling you he’s falling in love with you WAYYYYY too early, and then when you didn’t respond equally enthusiastically it seems like he’s playing hard to get to make you feel bad. Also, I’m not rich so maybe I’m wrong, but it seems weird that someone as wealthy as he seems to be would be this hands-on about selling his property. Can’t he afford to hire an excellent realtor to manage this for him? After my father passed away my sister managed the sale of my father’s house mostly remotely, and we are far from wealthy.
I won’t tell you to forget him, although personally I would stop contacting him. But if you stay in contact, please proceed with EXTREME caution. Never, ever give him any money (or send gift cards, etc.), or provide him access to any of your accounts (not even if he’s claiming he’s doing it to give YOU money), or give him any kind of personally identifiable information (SSN obviously, but also date of birth, mother’s maiden name, etc.).
If you haven’t had a video chat with him, insist on one ASAP. It’s not a guarantee he is who he claims to be, but at least you can see if his real-time face matches his photos. Also, if I were you, I’d tell him, “I enjoy talking to you, and I’m happy to continue doing so, but I’m not interested in a long-term, long-distance relationship. So I’m going to continue accepting dates from other people until you and I are able to meet in person.”
Good luck!
I don’t think you need any more info to know this is a scam. It follows all the usual steps: contacts you on a dating site, is in a foreign country, is rich and nice-looking, talks about love very quickly, gets you to message them off of the dating site, won’t meet or talk in person. Next step would be that he says he’s coming to see you but at the last minute needs you to lend him money to cover some fees or a medical emergency. You should just drop him now and talk to the other guys pursuing you who are in your local area. This guy isn’t real. It takes so long between texts bc he’s in an Internet cafe somewhere texting many people like you.
Right – needs you to pay because all of his money is tied up in this house.
Most people who are actually rich keep a good chunk of change in the bank, liquid asset, to cover anything that they might need during the year. I’m talking minimum $100K. So if this guy can’t pay his $4000 flight … lie.
I saw on local news recently that a young-ish woman in my area has spent over a year talking to someone she met online that she thinks is a Chicago Fire actor. They’ve never met in person. She has gone through lengths, including draining her retirement savings and taking out loans, to send him tens of thousands of dollars at his request. 😭 Unfortunately there are scammers out there happy to prey on those eager to find love. Retirement age folks seem like common targets.
I agree it sounds like a scam — similar to one that a friend went through a few years ago. If he’s not willing to talk on the phone, not consistent in how he keeps in touch (he’s busy with his other marks), calls you darling instantly and says he might love you already, you’re being cat-fished. The other clue will be when he asks for money.
One way to check is to do a Google search of his image. A friend did this when she thought her new online beau sounded a bit off. She found his handsome face all over the place — it was a stock image. Good luck and don’t get scammed!
