Mother in law troubles
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(If US based ) I know everyone here is jumping straight Assisted Living (ALF) but in order to qualify for ALF you have to meet the qualification of the assessment and that assessment is based on Activities of Daily Living (ADL), physical, and cognitive decline, along with cost. Also, many ALF are costly, though there are some lower income level ALF for those on SSI or SSID. It depends on the state you reside in. If your MIL is independent and does not meet the assessment qualifications but still needs caregivers then she can find an Independent Senior homes/apartments living place. These are also based off income and can serve those who are on SSI/SSID.
You can contact your local Office on Aging/Department of Health – Adult Protective Services and Community Action Agency to assist with placement. Your MIL Physician’s office social worker can assist as well and would likely be better informed about what type of housing/placement would be appropriate for her. Not to mention they can assist with making referrals to programs such as Meals on Wheels and transportation services etc.
If hiring a caregiver is costly – then see if your state has a program for low income seniors for caregivers called homemakers. If she cannot bath self/toilet etc. anything regarding medical – her PCP can order home health in the home.
If you don’t want your MIL living with you then I suggest reaching out and findings out what programs and places can assist because she probably is not going to help herself.
Also, you cannot force this women into an ALF or any home she does not want to live in. She has to agree and be willing to accept services. It’s best to be honest and repeat it as often that you do not want to and will not take care of her, and repeat it over to her, your husband, and family so she is more likely to agree.
Maybe the term I’m looking for is “Independent Living Facility”.
When my grandmother got older she lived in an apartment at a private community. They had a card room, art classes, exercise and dance classes, trips to theater. But they’d also drive you to your doctors appointments, help with your dry cleaning. Everyone had their own kitchens but they had a dining room that served meals through the day.
They had security and medical staff for emergencies but I’m not talking about fully assisted living – the mother sounds like she’s still functioning, but increasingly fragile. This is the first step down from truly independent living.
Thanks everyone for the feedback and great advice! I definitely appreciate. Unfortunately, even after saying no my husband has gone against my wishes and told his mother that she can stay with us (which is more like me since he will be away for work most days of the week) “briefly”. Apparently she has found an apartment of her own but it won’t be available until the end of next month as it’s still occupied by another tenant. I’m sooo angry and feel betrayed by my husband. I always put his feelings before anyone else’s when making decisions but I see now that the consideration is not reciprocated. This decision has completely weakened the foundation of our marriage.
@Frowner – I’m sorry your husband is so selfish. May I suggest a couple of things:
1. See if there are senior day programs in your area. Sign her up. Drive her over and drop her off. You should come to a complete stop before pushing her out of the passenger seat but if you’re only going 5 miles an hour, she’ll probably be fine.
2. Whatever social things you already have in place – DO NOT DROP THEM. Do not cancel meeting up with your friends. Do not cancel your craft time. Whatever it is. And you don’t need to include your MIL. Maintain your sense of independence and social activity.
3. Get her an apple watch with GPS or a life alert. When she’s not living with you (hopefully in one month) your husband can keep tabs on her.
4. When your husband comes home from travelling, that’s your cue to get the fuck out of the house for as long as you feel like. As much as I’m sure you’d like to be with him, and as much as he’d likely love to be with you – you are going to need some respite and some away time. Go for a long walk. Go to a museum. If you’re vaccinated and feel safe – go to a movie. Go sit outside of a Starbucks for 3 hours writing revenge stories. When he’s home, he, not you, deals with his mother and whatever whining she wants to do.
5. If she doesn’t move out in a months – you really should consider moving out yourself. Make it clear that this is a deal breaker.
From experience with older people:
When she’s in her own apt, she will need both Life Alert (for home) and a phone for when she’s out and about, in case she falls and no one is immediately around. My neighbor upstairs has both.
As a third layer of protection, your husband can call her at exactly the same time every day, and if she doesn’t pick up or call back within X minutes, he goes over there. My aunt refused to have life alert or a cell phone, and that’s what my dad did. One night she fell in the bathroom while getting ready for bed and had to lie there all night, but she knew she wasn’t going to die there because her brother would call at 8:30am. He and their other sister went to her house and got her off the floor.
Ooohhhh…I would be livid.
Like find a short term rental until she leaves/if she doesn’t move on schedule it becomes a long term rental and shopping around for divorce lawyers.
You can’t just move someone in…especially an elderly person that needs care, without both spouses being on board.
This level of disregard for you is just…nearly unforgivable and potentially marriage ending, honestly.
And frankly, if she does move out and she needs long term assistance to live alone, generally I would say you support and help your spouse find resources because it’s a lot, but after what he did, f it. That’s his mother, he and his sister can figure this all out themselves, your not helping or look into anything.
Tell your husband he needs to figure out her care at your home while he’s away. Caretaker. Baby sitter. Whatever.
That’s totally not cool.
