“My Former Client Broke My Heart”
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From a LW:
I’m 33, soon to be 34, and back in April 2024, I started seeing a man who was separated, he’s 54. I’ve known him for about a year, and we were seeing each other for five months. He was once one of my clients ( I used to be an escort), and during that time, he confided in me about how unhappy he was in his marriage. He regretted marrying the wrong women twice.
He also mentioned he had decided to visit me as the previous lady he was seeing 50 years old wasn’t available anymore, he lately told me that he wanted a relationship with her but she refused him at the end as she didn’t want her heart broken and they could stay friends, he told me had very deep feelings for her and no one would lift him up like her but yet he was still texting her and seeing me at the same time.
He also told me the same, I am the most beautiful, kind soul woman he ever met and that no woman gave him so much love and kindness as I did.
In January 2024, he separated from his wife ( not legally) living in the same house.
In April, he expressed interest in me, telling me that he wanted a relationship, couldn’t imagine a future without me, and wanted me by his side as he rebuilt his life. He was open about the fact that he still needed to move out, buy a new home, and begin the divorce process.
At first, I was skeptical because many separated men use women as emotional lifeboats, only to leave them when their lives stabilize. I tried to end things a few times, but I had already fallen in love with him. Each time I tried to walk away, he reassured me by saying, “Darling, once I move out of my wife’s house, my life will be better, and I’ll give you the attention you deserve.” And sure enough, he found a new place and moved out.
He was incredibly sweet—buying me gifts, fixing things around my house, cooking for me, and even getting me medicine when I was sick. It felt like he genuinely cared for me, and he often expressed that he had strong feelings for me, cherished me, and respected me.
However, once he moved into his new place, I noticed a change. He became more distant, saw me less often, sometimes took a day to reply to messages, and even disappeared for a couple of days at a time. I had to ask him to call me to improve our communication.
Gradually, he started pulling away even more, saying he couldn’t give me the attention I deserved and didn’t want to hold me back while he sorted out his life. But whenever I distanced myself, he’d message me, saying he was thinking of me and hoped I was well.
At the beginning of August, I had a miscarriage. He had told me that he’d had a vasectomy 15 years ago, and I trusted him. I decided not to tell him about the miscarriage to protect him, as I knew he was going through a tough time. But by mid-August, I needed space and finally told him about the miscarriage, saying goodbye and asking him not to reply.
He responded with, “Oh darling, I’m so devastated and sorry. I’ll check myself. Take care, Monica.” His cold reply shocked and hurt me deeply.
I didn’t respond, but five days later, he texted me, saying he was thinking of me. Then, 20 days later, he messaged again, saying he had been thinking of me often, wished me well, and called me his “beautiful darling lady.”
I decided to respond politely, saying I appreciated his words but struggled to trust their sincerity, especially after the miscarriage. He replied that he was just respecting my wish not to contact me and had honored that.
We kept chatting, and I suggested we pause the texting as he didn’t understand my messahes and couldn’t express ourselves clearly , he replies ” i understand and i am so sorry take care ” he shocked me wirh his coldness. I told him i am simply expressing to speak on the phone as texts are complex.
He eventually agreed, but his behavior kept shocking me. He refused a phone call at first, saying, “I don’t think it’s the right time for either of us. This isn’t healthy or good for both of us.”
Finally, when we did talk, he admitted he had no plans for the future, couldn’t commit to a relationship, and was just focusing on settling into his new home. He didn’t have a date for the divorce and said he wasn’t even sure what he wanted anymore.
He broke me down. I told him I needed this clarity to move on, and I told him I will remove him from my contacts and asked him to remove me from his contacts, which he did and didn’t seem to have any feelings about it responding with ” Alright, my love” I’ve deleted his number everywhere, including WhatsApp.
Now, I’m left wondering if he was manipulating me all along—being sweet to keep me around while sleeping with me—or if he’s genuinely confused. He tends to reach out after some time has passed, but I hope that since he deleted my contact, he won’t message me again.
I can’t stand the thought of him having sex now with another woman or sex worker, breaks my heart.
I really need your support on how to move on in a healthier way. I’ve been crying a lot, and my heart is broken..
I’m really sorry you are going through this. I do think if you go back to the beginning, you will see that this man was always a terrible prospect for a lasting and healthy relationship.
The page is probably going to refresh on me so I may have to do multiple posts. Ok so first, he’s got multiple failed marriages. He’s having a relationship with someone (the woman before you, I guess) while very much married and still living with his wife. He’s dating escorts while married.
Here are the next 2 red flags:
I am the most beautiful, kind soul woman he ever met and that no woman gave him so much love and kindness as I did.
So this one tells you he’s looking for attention and validation, not an equal relationship. He wants a beautiful woman to fawn on him and make him feel great about himself. That’s why he’s dating escorts.
In January 2024, he separated from his wife ( not legally) living in the same house.
This is just.., come on. When guys say this, you really have to assume they’re still married.
At first, I was skeptical because many separated men use women as emotional lifeboats, only to leave them when their lives stabilize.
Ok, and this is exactly what happened. You were totally right. After making the jump to his new life, he first pulled away and then actually broke up with you. This was a breakup: saying he couldn’t give me the attention I deserved and didn’t want to hold me back while he sorted out his life.
But then, being a selfish jerk, he couldn’t just make a clean break, he had to keep bothering you. He doesn’t care at all about your feelings but kind of enjoys checking in with you for attention and validation that you still care. He’s almost certainly in another relationship.
And finally:
Now, I’m left wondering if he was manipulating me all along—being sweet to keep me around while sleeping with me—or if he’s genuinely confused.
No, he was just always the kind of guy who wants one-sided love and adoration from women, who dates sex workers while married (which he still is!) because they are offering him an experience that he wants and it’s *transactional*, and who, if he knows you love and care for him, will reach out from time to time for a bit of that dopamine. He dated you for a few months and was able to sort of cosplay love and affection, but it wasn’t really there. He just wanted what you could give him. But manipulation? No, I think it was all evident from the beginning that this guy was not available for a relationship.
What you do now is block and delete HIM, so he can’t ever contact you. And you don’t ever contact him. And read all the books about recognizing signs of men who are bad for you. Do some therapy if you can afford it to better understand what you want and how to find it. I’m sorry.
Sorry one more, consider whether he lied to you about a vasectomy in order to enjoy unprotected sex. I know they can fail, but what are the stats on that?
Also, it sounds like 3 months of dating, followed by a couple months of intermittent messaging. 3 months is a classic inflection point for a man to pull away and not want to continue the relationship.
Kate summed it up well. This guy has been manipulating you and not treating you with genuine care. You are in service to him – his needs and his desires – and your needs don’t really matter. He has not been confused about his intentions, and his behavior isn’t confusing if you look at it through the lens of someone who really just cares about himself. His interest in you has always been limited by what he thinks you can give him and how much he wants what you can give him and how much effort it will take on his part to get what he wants from you (vs. how available what he wants is elsewhere). In the periods when he has paused his pursuit of you, you can assume that his needs are being met by someone else and so his desire for you is cooled. In periods when his pursuit has revved up, you can assume that either his needs are not being met elsewhere or he senses that he needs to give you a little more bait to keep you on his hook.
I googled it and got, “A vasectomy is a very effective and permanent form of birth control. In fact, with a 99.85% effective rate, it’s practically the gold standard.”
So literally way less than 1% chance, right? He almost certainly did not have a vasectomy. It fits with the pattern of this guy not caring about anyone but himself.
To Kate’s point, my brother had a vasectomy, and my sister in law ended up pregnant with their third. So while 1% chance seems, small. It’s still 1%. However, given this guys history, I would say he lied to you. As he lied to you the entire 5 months you were “dating.”
One thing I want to point out that no one else brought up…
But by mid-August, I needed space and finally told him about the miscarriage, saying goodbye and asking him not to reply. He responded with, “Oh darling, I’m so devastated and sorry. I’ll check myself. Take care, Monica.” His cold reply shocked and hurt me deeply.
I told him I will remove him from my contacts and asked him to remove me from his contacts, which he did and didn’t seem to have any feelings about it responding with ” Alright, my love”
In both cases here, he did what you specifically asked him to do, and then you got upset that he did it. I’m not trying to defend his actions here, but in the future when you make requests of a partner, make sure it’s actually what you want them to do. I know that sometimes that’s easier said than done, but if you tell someone you don’t want them to contact you, make sure you mean it.
Other than that, I agree with the others that there was never much hope for a relationship here thanks to its complicated origins.
Thank you so much all for your advice and support.
He did add me back to his contacts, after I told him to delete my number as I would have delete his. I have blocked him.
I think this man is a narcissist manipulator?
What’s the sense in adding me back to his contacts? He could have still left me deleted and have access to the chat.
