My friend is having an affair with a married man
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She’s at least in her 50s, I’m sure she’s been vaxxed for a while, and there’s nothing wrong with having sex with multiple people.
Married people yes, that’s sketchy.
10 men, two of which were married (and I did agree with that being wrong). That’s not multiple married men.
It’s funny how most of the time you rail against the prudes, bgm, but as soon as a woman has sex with a few different people you’re questioning her morals?? There’s absolutely no reason to mention number unless you’re judging and you want others to judge. All the LW had to say is her friend is sleeping with two married men. That’s it. And that’s what I was calling out.
This is a real reach. If the friend in question was a man — straight or gay? I’d have the same exact opinion. And I’ve fucked no one in over a year. It’s not safe. And it’s delusional to think otherwise.
I also have never advocated banging ten people in the course of a few months. Just not my thing. I also think being THAT promiscuous while fucking married people is fucked up. It’s one thing to fuck a married person when you know where you stand std wise. But with 10 people in a few months that is simply not happening. You are putting innocent spouses at risk.
Just to be clear, I have no issue at all with however many men she chooses to sleep with. I think it’s potentially unsafe for a variety of reasons and I don’t think it’s the best thing for her to do in terms of emotional health, BUT, I don’t judge her morals for having lots of lovers. COVID risk is a factor, sure, but where we live we’ve had very few cases so I can see her not taking that into account.
I have an issue with her knowingly sleeping with married men while thinking she has zero responsibility for the ramifications that might have on their families.
I have an issue with her saying “these wives wouldn’t leave anyway because they know when they are on a good thing”.
I do appreciate all perspectives though, so thank you to all who have replied.
Hi guys, thank you all so much for your input. A few points:
– My friend is not “at least 50” although close enough. She’s 46. She’s been with her husband for 28 years, not the 30 I rounded it up to in my OP.
– I mentioned the 10+ men she’s slept with, not to shame or judge her, but to paint a full picture. Otherwise people would think she started dating and met a guy who turned out to be married. I didn’t want to have to keep adding details to clarify the situation but that plan didn’t work too well 🙂
– It hasn’t only been two married men, there were more, but she didn’t continue relationships with the others, just had a couple of dates and then passed on them (not because they were married).This afternoon she asked if I’d take her dog to the dog park as she was busy “moving things to the new place”. It’s fully self contained so there is very little to “move”. I love her dog so was happy to do it, knowing he’d been locked up for 8 hours. She then messaged to ask if I could feed him when I dropped him home as she wouldn’t be back home tonight. So I’ve now been taking care of her dog because she was busy getting her new place set up for a romantic liaison with her married man tonight. Hew new place is only a few minutes drive from her home so she could have, and should have, sorted her dog out herself.
We have been very close friends so it’s going to be hard to distance myself, she will notice for sure, and she’ll call me out on it. But I don’t want any part of the married man situation so I’m going to do my best to opt out of the friendship, and if she asks, I’ll just be honest in the kindest way I possibly can. This afternoon gave me clarity. I can’t share her joy in what she’s doing. I have lost respect for her and that means the friendship has to come to an end.
You are judging her though, by deciding that sex with multiple men is bad for her physical and emotional health. That’s a separate issue from her involvement (whether it’s emotional, sexual, who cares) with married men.
To make the story clear, you only had to say she’s met several men, and some of them have been married.
Kate, this might come as a shock to you, but you aren’t able to dictate what my intentions were. You can have an opinion but that doesn’t make it a fact.
I haven’t “decided” anything about what’s good for her mental or emotional health. I merely said I didn’t THINK it was good for her. That’s a concern I have for her, not a statement of fact. BTW, she herself has said she doesn’t think what she is doing is good for her emotional well-being. She acknowledges that, in HER opinion, what she’s doing is not good for her.
You seem determined to force the issue on why I told the story the way I did which really isn’t your call to make.
By telling the story the way you did, you are absolutely judging her based more on her sleeping with married men. It’s fine. You think your friend is morally corrupt. Stop being friends with her. Problem solved. Her number of sex partners is irrelevant.
You’re concern-trolling her, which is judgment. There is nothing wrong at all with someone catching up sexually after 30 years of being with the same guy, since she was a teen. Ridiculous.
It’s not wrong to judge people, to discern whether to remain friends with someone based on their behavior. We all judge / assess/ evaluate all the time. This friend is taking advantage of people — multiple people, in many different ways — and yes, that is wrong. I see no problem with assessing that and responding accordingly.
The LW flat-out said she “slept with 10+ men … I don’t judge her for that, but some of them are married.” That seems clear to me.
Except she went on to say that having sex with multiple men is bad for her friend’s health. That’s a step too far.
The sex with multiple men is not, and should not be, an issue.
