My husband’s creepy cousin AND uncle…
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It all started when I started dating my now husband in 2015. He was battling drug addiction and had went to a rehab center for 4 months. While he was gone, I went to his family gatherings (I was always friends with his sister and she was my boss at the time) I met his cousin at a fourth of July party. He was nice, told me how he was a police officer for a major city nearby, etc.. Later that evening when I was going home the cousin asked if it was ok to message me on Facebook messenger because he wanted to know how my boyfriend was doing (cousin has been through this and is 10 years sober) I didn’t see anything wrong that. He messaged me, began asking questions about my boyfriend and what rehab center he was staying at. Harmless conversation. He then out of nowhere says “you know what helps with recovery? “sex.” I laughed at the message because I didn’t know really what to say. He then starts blowing me up saying stuff like “I would have sex with you all the time, and all day today I wish I had Xray vision so I can see what you look like underneath your clothes.” I ended the conversation, and said nothing back. The next day I showed my boyfriends sister (which is also the dudes cousin too) and she was pissed about it. I didn’t see him until months later around thanksgiving.. I kept my distance the best I could but one time when I went down the hall to the bathroom he stopped me from closing the door and came in, shutting the door half way behind him. I asked what he was doing and then heard someone coming up the stairs and he walked out quickly. It scared me. Christmas came, and he would “accidently” swing and his hand would slap my butt and he would apologize. I over heard him and his dad talk about how my butt looked good at easter. One time in the pool he swam under the water near me and stroked my leg. It wasn’t until after my husband was about 6 months sober that I told him what was happening. I didn’t want to cause stress and problems with his family and I wanted him to focus on his sobriety. After I told him, we stopped going to family gatherings where we knew his cousin will be. We got married 4 years ago and everything is going great, except when it comes to his family. My husband told his mom everything the cousin has done. Why we don’t come to certain gatherings anymore, why we ask who’s coming over at the pool before coming, ect. His mom was mad but then says “That’s just how he is, and you shouldn’t stop living your life because of him.” My husband told her that we do not want to be around him, so we will not be around if he’s here. The cousin knows everybody in the family knows about it, but he has not apologized to me or my husband. We have not been on a family vacation with my husbands family since being together because they always invite him. We feel like his family chooses the cousin over their own son and daughter in law and we have voiced to his mom on how it makes us feel. She told us she wasn’t choosing him and that the next family vacation will not be with the creepy cousin…but of course we just found out they are planning one soon because my husbands dad let it slip. We have been over a few times where they have lied and told us it was only going to be us and then find out his cousin is on the way. And we have left. The cousins dad (which is my husbands uncle) is a freaking creep as well. He tries to kiss me on the lips when he greets and says bye to me and he ALWAYS squeezes and picks me up and tells me how of a beautiful petite woman I am…ugh
The only event we have been to where he was there was for my husbands sisters wedding. However, my husbands parents anniversary is coming up and they are having a huge party so he will be there..but then my husbands sister is planning a birthday party for their mom and of course they are having it at the creepy cousins parents house. SMH. I’m just so tired of having to constantly worry about this. Should I just give up and not care about my feelings and get over it? I hate missing stuff, But I have been sexually assaulted in the past before and when I see him, It gives me anxiety and brings back those feelings. I feel sick to my stomach the whole time I know hes in the same room as me. We are just so angry with his parents and sisters because I know if the situation was reversed and it happened to them, they would not allow that person in their life.
I have to say, moms suck when it comes to this stuff. They will not chastise or uninvite the male relative who’s behaving badly, they will make excuses for them all day, and too bad for you, but they also get upset when you don’t show up for the holidays.
It’s good that you and your husband are on the same page and he’s upholding your boundaries. The only thing I would say is it sounds like he’s put this all on his mom for her to handle and she’s not going to… Could he talk directly to the uncle and cousin and tell them exactly what behavior to knock off? Do not touch my wife. Do not talk about her body, etc? Or would that just rile them up even more?
Are there ways you can get together with various people in the family in smaller groups?
Are there certain things you’d be okay with him going to without you?
Why has this cousins ass not been kicked? I’m not normally a proponent of violence but this man deserves to be physically thrown out of a party venue or worse.
She is in the wrong- “that’s just how he is!” That’s disgusting. Not going to their parties is not you not living your life. It’s her not having events with her son, every single time he is there. It’s you choosing your safety and mental health over her family expectations. This is not something you should bend for.
Maybe you could ask your husband to make it clear, alone to his mother what exactly is the issue and how he doesn’t want his wife sexually assaulted and groped at every holiday? But it also sounds like he has. It’s really unfortunate, but they are being assholes and it’s not your fault. They think you’ll cave for this. Don’t sacrifice your safety and comfort.
I think shame is a great option here. He gets away with it because no one is telling him to stop. You mention a sister was pissed but did she say anything?
Practice with your husband, seriously, say the words out loud. Get comfortable with being vocal. Saying something short and LOUD. “Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me again.” Something like that.
I know you are trying to be a good family member, but “this is who he is” means he’s done this before. Other people have been uncomfortable and tried to stop it and no one helped. So you either don’t go or go and be loud. And tell people “I asked for help. You didn’t give it to me. So I’m making it clear to everyone here, I don’t like this guy. He’s a pervert and a snake. I don’t want him near me. I don’t want him touching me and I’m going to be loud every single time from this point forward. So either he quits being a creep or you get used to me yelling about it.”
The moment SA happens, a victim usually freezes. Responding to him in the moment is likely not going to happen. SA or harassment is not the price she should pay for her husband being at family functions. It’s his cousin’s responsibility to not molest, it’s the family’s responsibility to make their parties inclusive if they wish. They don’t wish that. The family protects and enables him, tells the women, “this is just the way he is.” I wouldn’t go back, ever, either. No one should have to submit to the stress and anxiety of being around someone like this.
I am all for speaking up and saying no when someone touches you inappropriately, but I don’t know wtf is going on with this family and what creepy dynamics are at play; if there’s intergenerational SA or what. They don’t seem to have respect for the husband and he seems afraid or intimidated to talk to these male relatives directly. I feel like this could escalate… if she spoke up in this situation I doubt anyone would do anything but talk shit, it would be a hostile environment, these assholes could become more emboldened, and it’s possible they find her alone on the way to the bathroom or something and take the unwanted touching to another level. Unfortunately I do think you have to stay away from events they’ll be at.
