“My husband’s past with brothels”
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The word frequently is often used on a hilarious sliding scale. A friend of mine used to have an ex who would rail about my frequently frequently smoking pot through out the year. My friend would MAYBE smoke pot once every TWO months. But to the EX this was VERY frequently…
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LW, either grow the FUCK up — deal with this — and move on together. Or enjoy being a single mother with a kid. The choice is fucking yours.
It would not occur to me to ask if my husband had a history of fucking hookers. It just wouldn’t.
Would you expect him to just volunteer that information then? “pass the salt please and also I’ve visited brothels?”
Some things I think it is required to tell your partner: You have kids. You have a std or other illness. Your ex is a stalker. Anything that can potentially effect someone else in the future. If it isn’t in that category then it’s on the other person to convey that that information is important to them and ask.
I’ve never asked my husband either. But if it turns out he had that’s too bad for me if that’s a deal breaker. I should have asked. And if I snoop through his past that had nothing to do with me then that’s on me.
I think Firestar has it right in her last 2 posts.
I’ve checked other citings for frequency of males using the services of prostitutes. They have a higher rate than Kate listed. More like 14% of Amarican males have visited a prostitute, with 1% doing so in any given year. It is highly dependent upon age, marital status, and life status. Very low among marrieds, quite a bit higher than the average for singles in their 30s, and about a quarter of active duty servicemen. Internationally, it is culturally dependent, with 3/4 of Thai and Cambodian men having had paid sex, often as a gift from friends.
Guys, that’s all fine, but unfortunately if you try to just leave something like that and take it off the table for discussion, it will erode your relationship and possibly do irreparable damage. They. Need. To. Talk. About. It. And maybe! Maybe maybe maybe! She’ll come to understand his reasons for frequently going to the brothels, and perhaps it will even bring them closer and they’ll get to know each other a little better, how bow da?
I personally still think it’s gross, Ron doesn’t, Julie Catharine doesn’t, BGM probably doesn’t, and isn’t that cool? That we can all think differently about the same thing? And we’re all people in the world? Wow.
if I found out my husband had visited brothels, I’d be put off too. I suppose it’d be helpful to know what you want out of a conversation. The promise he wouldn’t go back? Hopefully that’s covered by your marriage vows. That he used protection? I’d go get tested anyway. An apology that he withheld vital information about himself? Be clear about what you need, and your conversation may be more fruitful.
I’m trying to envision the discussion. She already knows he visited the brothels in his youth when he was away from home at school and he’s ashamed about it. What else is there to say? She raised it with him. He doesn’t want to discuss it. At this point I think the only thing to talk about is how she feels about this new information. And he can assuage whatever her new concerns are.
I think there’s a lot more he could tell her. She may want to know what his motivation was for going. What kept him going back. How did he feel about it. What were his feelings about the women there. What stopped him finally. How does he know he won’t do it again. She can try to articulate her concerns and what about it bothers her or makes her think differently about it. His answers should give her clues about who he is, what he believes, whether she can trust him, if she can live with this.
Yeah, but he doesn’t want to tell her those things. He’s ashamed of something he did in his past – well before he knew the LW. Why should he have to do a postmortem on it because she took it upon herself to delve into his past? Honestly, if my husband wanted to talk about something I didn’t want to talk about from my past, I wouldn’t talk about it. I could talk about his feelings but I don’t need to give a play by play of my choices. Being married doesn’t mean I have to account for every action I’ve ever undertaken in my life. During my marriage, sure. But prior? I’m not giving you the play by play of mistakes I’ve made or trauma I’ve gone through. If I want to share that – fine. But I’m not obligated. I’m allowed a personal history of my own that I don’t have to share. Maybe after years of marriage he will want to talk about his past with her. He might feel like he could confide if he wanted to. I don’t think he has to do it on her timeline.
