My male friend took advantage of me when I was drunk- is it my fault?
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Hi,
I really don’t know where to start with this- this has hurt me so much and left me feeling like it was all my fault.Earlier this week, I came back from university for a few days and decided it would be nice to see my friends. I invited a few of them out for a couple of drinks, and needless to say I got very drunk. However, one of the guys I invited out kept buying me drinks all night- I wasn’t too bad until he bought us all tequila shots- I can’t remember much after that. I can’t even remember getting into the Uber to go home (I have slight memories of me opening the window during the ride but that’s it).
My family have an open door policy- if someone can’t get home, you invite them to stay round on the sofa. This guy said he didn’t know how he was going to get home so I invited him to stay on the sofa. My other friend was staying in our spare room, so the two of us went upstairs after we got in, but she went to her room. I can’t remember this, but she told me the next day that the guy followed us up the stairs (without any of us telling him that it was okay for him to come upstairs). He also closed the door behind him and I. She feels guilty as I went in the next day saying I think he took advantage of me; she thought he had only come in for a catch up because I hadn’t seen him for months. This guy kissed me, even though he knows I have a boyfriend, and pushed me down onto the bed. I can’t remember much else, apart from me telling him that it’s wrong because I have a boyfriend. I’d been talking about how me and my boyfriend had fought and almost broken up a few weeks prior when I still wasn’t too drunk, so I don’t know if this is what caused him to try things on with me. I know that we didn’t have sex, and I’m so grateful to that as I don’t know what I would have done if I found out that we did.
The next day, I rang said guy and asked him what happened during the night. He told me that he wasn’t going to say because he was on a public bus, indicating that more happened than what I remember. He also told me that he doesn’t regret anything because of how he feels about me, and then he tried to tell me that he knows I feel the same way about him. I told him that I feel that he took advantage of me, and he told me that I’d said that the night before too, indicating that he just did not care. I then told him that I thought that we shouldn’t be friends anymore, and all he responded with was ‘ok’. I’d never willingly cheat on my boyfriend as I’ve been cheated on in the past and know how it feels; and the fact that this guy knows about this and still thought it was okay to try things on with me is completely disrespectful to both me and my boyfriend. I rang my boyfriend straight away and he told me it wasn’t my fault at all; he’s been through similar so understands. My other friends have also been supportive of me, but part of me still feels that I cheated on my boyfriend and that it’s my fault, if I didn’t drink I could have stopped it. The worst thing is, my friends told me that he was not drunk; he was walking normally and still seemed aware of his actions when I apparently stumbling and attempting to make friends with homeless people on the streets.
I just don’t know how I can get through this, I still feel disgusting because of it; I’m also scared that the guy who took advantage of me will start to spread stuff about me, making it seem like it was consensual even though I was too drunk to understand what was happening properly.
Thank you so much for reading this❤️
I think you’re worrying about the wrong things: the “disrespect” your “friend” showed to your relationship, and whether you “cheated.” Those are two non-issues. The real issues are you’re a problem drinker and you surround yourself with “friends” you can’t trust. Fortunately you’re all right, and you’ve ended the friendship (right?? Don’t ever talk to this guy again), and your boyfriend understands (sounds like he’s a blackout drinker too).
Assault is never your fault, but you can definitely examine your lifestyle choices and whether you can party more responsibly and if your friends are really friends.
Yes, this was assault. No you are not at fault. This guy is not your friend and you should not ever let him near you or your other friends because he not only confirmed that he assaulted you when you could not consent but that he would do it again.
I do agree that if you’re drinking to the point of brown out/black out then you need to seriously evaluate your drinking habits. Memory loss is not a normal consequence of drinking. It really isn’t. Even if all of your friends are drinking to that point, then you are all drinking beyond what your bodies can tolerate. You can get drunk and still remember everything you did. I have been in your shoes – I had to make some choices and figure out what was best for me. I still drink and sometimes I get drunk but I haven’t blacked out in 30 years.
I agree with the other comments. There is no question he took advantage of you and is a predator. It’s not your fault. You aren’t responsible for his behavior and can’t control what he choose to do. I’m so sorry this happened to you. He is not a friend.
Use this unfortunate event as a learning experience. Drink responsibly. It doesn’t matter who keeps buying drinks, you don’t have to keep drinking them. You should also make sure you eat a good meal before you go out drinking and drink plenty of water in between. Know your limit. I know it can be hard to stick to it in the moment, but try to maybe make a plan of how much you’ll drink, who you’ll be with and try not to deviate from it too much.
It’s nice you were thinking of his safety and allowed him to come to your parents house, but it was unnecessary. He could have called a cab or an Uber to take him home. In fact in reading this- you all took an Uber to your place.
I know this may come off as harsh, but unfortunately there are bad people out there who look for vulnerable people and opportunities like this. Drinking incapacitates you and leaves you vulnerable. You also can’t remember some of the night, which shows some blacking out. Please take steps next time to make sure you are safe, your friends are safe and that you truly stick together and watch out for each other.
Your boyfriend isn’t mad at you. He’s not considering this cheating. Try to stop feeling guilty or at fault at all. You did nothing wrong. Feel angry that this person did this to you. It might be worthwhile to speak to a counselor at your school, or even at home if you have the ability to.
Again, I’m sorry this happened to you. Take care of yourself.
Another thing… this kind of open-door policy some parents have. It’s well-intentioned, but unfortunately it attracts bad behavior. I had a friend like this in HS and college, whose parents were suuuper welcoming to everyone, doors unlocked all the time, etc. Well, guess whose place everybody went to when they wanted to drink, party, smoke weed, have sex, etc? The people with the most chill, permissive parents had the most crazy, dangerous drama going on around them. People drinking to the point of extreme danger and everything that goes with that. You and your parents may be too trusting. Now that Uber’s and such are so readily available, guys should just go home. They don’t need to be staying on your couch.
Surprise, surprise. Drinking to the point of Black Out can get one into rather terrible situations. What is the next NEWSFLASH can we look forward to? Unprotected sex leads to pregancy? Bah. Youth is wasted on the willfully clueless…
You are not at fault here. No one should force themselves on someone who’s not consenting, or who’s not able to consent. That’s assault. Good guys don’t assault women. Your “friend” is garbage and you should never have anything to do with him again. There’s no defense for what he did.
Now. That said, you can be blameless for what happened, and still see that your blackout-drunk state made you very vulnerable, and made you unable to defend yourself, and to learn from that and never let yourself be that defenseless again.
It’s possible to go out and have a couple of drinks and have a great time, without getting so drunk that you can’t protect yourself if someone tries to hurt you. You don’t have to get trashed to the point of being incapacitated just because everyone else is. You don’t have to drink a shot because someone bought it for you.
Don’t get caught up in blaming yourself. Use the experience as a lesson in safety.
Not only was this not your fault I suspect the guy planned it out. That’s why he bought more drinks at the end but kept himself sober. That’s why he rode home with you in your car. He was acting like a predator. Were you the only one who was this drunk? Could he have slipped something into your drink.
This is one of those situations where you learn the hard way. You need to be in control of your own drinking. You need to know when to stop. Just because someone buys you a drink doesn’t mean you need to drink it. Even if they put it in front of you and say you should have it, you say no. Especially if someone is pushing you to drink you say no. Why would they want you to drink past your comfort level? Certainly that doesn’t show concern for your well being, your health or your safety.
If someone is especially pushy consider not going out with them again.Assult/rape is not your fault. But you can increase your chances of it happening to you. Do not go looking for trouble because trouble will find you often enough. You went looking for trouble.
Yeah it really bothers me that the conclusion here is that she has a problem with alcohol. Is it smart to drink to the point of blacking out? Hell no but I’m willing to bet almost every person making these comments has done it at least a couple times. It’s bullshit to tell someone it wasn’t their fault and then lecture them about drinking. That sends the message that it was her fault when the fault is 100% with the predator who assaulted her. She made her wishes clear. He heard them and didn’t care. It’s on him. Period.
Because there are so many male predators out there, women do need to have their wits about them. There are excellent books like “The New Superpower for Women” (trust your intuition, predict dangerous situations, and defend yourself from the unthinkable) by Steve Kardian, that give women the tools they need to be aware of their surroundings and stay safe. “The Gift of Fear” is another one. When you get blackout, you lose your ability to do that. When you blindly trust the people around you, you can get hurt. I used to drink to excess and unfortunate events would occur because I made bad choices. When I stop at 2-3 drinks, I don’t. I don’t know what else to say about binge drinking and the problems it can cause that isn’t obvious.
