My male friend took advantage of me when I was drunk- is it my fault?
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She did say “needless to say” she got super drunk, like of course she did.
She didn’t ask if her overdrinking is a problem, but I think it is. She has no idea what happened and is freaking out about it. If you slow down and say “no, thank you” to the guy who keeps buying you drinks, and figure out when to stop so you’re still conscious of what’s going on, you can avoid a lot of these situations from happening in the first place. Because women do have agency, and no one wants to be in a situation like this again.
And in this case ‘agency’ would involve being sober in her own home with a friend. Super helpful. This is the same tired crap that gets thrown at women whenever they’re assaulted. How much did you drink, what were you wearing, what time was it? It’s bullshit. She didn’t ask for tips on being safe, she asked if she cheated or if she was assaulted. A list of tips she’s probably heard ten times a year since she was fifteen doesn’t change that she was violated in her own home by a person she thought of as a friend.
No, she didn’t need to be home sober. She needs to slow down her drinking when she’s out, be aware, and not lose consciousness.
And yes, exactly. Because of our patriarchal bullshit society full of predatory and hypocritical men, women who are known to overdrink are dismissed and not believed. And women who blacked out have no information to give to law enforcement because they don’t know what happened.
Also:
“she asked if she cheated or if she was assaulted”
Well, she asked that because she has no idea what she did. Because she drank to the point of losing consciousness. So she has to ask a bunch of strangers.
I’m with Juliecatherine and the others 100% on this one. OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. You did nothing to deserve this, and your former friend took advantage of you in your own home.
Kate, from your very first post, you seemed to misidentify the issue: “The real issues are you’re a problem drinker and you surround yourself with “friends” you can’t trust.” No, the real issue here is that she was sexually assaulted and has such a messed up mindset that she’s questioning whether her sexual assault means she cheated on her boyfriend.
I’ll accept that perhaps discussing preventative measures on the post of someone who has already been assaulted is not appropriate, and for that I apologize. To the LW, I say without qualification, you were assaulted and its not your fault.
I do reject that we can’t talk about things women can do to protect themselves, ever. I mean, it’s not women’s job to protect themselves, its the job of men to not assault women.
That said, the world is what it is, and telling women there’s nothing they can, or should do, to try to protect themselves is very dis-empowering, I think.
Just as we instruct homeowners to do certain things to protect their homes and property, there are things we as women can do to try to take ownership over our own bodies and not be subject to the whims and goodwill of men.
Empowering women with tips about how they might protect themselves doesn’t mean it makes them more responsible for their rapes than it makes homeowners responsible for their house being robbed. It’s not an either or.
The criminal is the one at fault at the end of the day, but we can try to take agency over ourselves as best we can.
From Alcohol.org via Washington Post… “heavy drinking is among the most meaningful predictors of sexual assault in college… women who said they drank more than they should are over twice as likely to be sexually assaulted as those who drank lightly or not at all… most assaults involve people who know one another…the aggressor will use some form of substance to lower the victim’s resistance or decrease their ability to fight back…often, the perpetrators are defended over the victim, who is shamed or blamed for…being drunk.”
This is the shitty world we do live in. College women need to be aware.
In other words, alcohol is a major risk factor for sexual assault, and why would you not do what you can to mitigate the risk of being raped?
Oh gosh. “A recent experimental study compared the risk for completed rape among female participants who were randomly assigned to a resistance training program (which included targeting excessive drinking) or to a control group. After one year, 5.2% of the women who received the training experienced a rape vs. 9.8% of the control group. Attempted rape was also significantly different at one year between the groups (3.4% vs. 9.3%).”
Hi, I’d just like to state that I rarely ever get this drunk- I’m normally the sober one looking after my friends which is why I got so upset at this situation. I have not been this drunk since 2017, I’m normally a careful drinker. I’m not an alcoholic, as some people are saying I am, and I also don’t have drinking problems because I’ve had many nights out without drinking. I have also cut off all contact with the guy who did this to me.
