My male friend took advantage of me when I was drunk- is it my fault?
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And also, I know that if I drank less this situation could have at least been handled better. But I thought that I was drinking with friends I could trust (I’ve known them all for years and never had problems like this before). I’m not saying that I’m blameless in this situation; I still feel like it’s my fault.
It’s not your fault.
In the future, if a guy keeps buying you drinks, that should set off your spidey senses. Just say no and be alert. Again, alcohol is a big risk factor, but blame for an assault is solely on the perpetrator. Truly. Except that society often blames the victim.
And unfortunately you can’t assume friends always have your best interest at heart.
I took your “needless to say” as an indication that this is your normal, so I was harder on you than I should have been. If you usually drink lightly, you’re much safer.
I’m normally the one who looks after my friends when they get this drunk and makes sure nothing happens to them; I didn’t expect this to happen to me the one time I decide to drink more than normal
Right, but it doesn’t look like it was a coincidence. It looks like he got you drunk on purpose and that’s why this happened. Which should be a bit of a wake up call regarding who you trust.
But in the end, HE did this. Not you.
I’m concerned that your friend who stayed with you and would think more about what she saw and whether she still deserves your trust. Neither of you are at fault for what happened, but I think it’s worth asking whether your friend made a sound judgment in trusting the perpetrator when she watched him go upstairs with you and close the door behind him.
Rose – you are blameless in the situation of being assaulted. I believe you and it is not your fault. You could have been passed out black out drunk, vomit in your hair, and it doesn’t make him an iota less culpable. Also, he was buying you drinks all evening, banking on you being kind enough to give him a place to stay, and then hinting at it to seal the deal. This seems deliberate. He’s a bad person and he is not your friend. You did not cheat on your boyfriend. You trusted the people around you.
I’m not going to condone the more accusatory comments (the general age of this site is a generation above you and me) – what I think they are trying to express is that alcohol consumption can make you more vulnerable – but it certainly does not make you complicit in your own sexual assault. Advice like “Watch your drink”, “don’t drink so much”… These are sensible and reduces your vulnerability, and should be kept in mind. But also remember that a predator is a predator, and at the end of the day, these instructions are essentially “Make sure he rapes the other girl.” You didn’t *create* his behaviour. You were laissez-faire with your safety, perhaps you made a mistake in trusting the people around you, but the decision to assault you was entirely his.
Oh for heavens sake, it’s not “make sure he rapes the other girl,” where did that even come from?? It’s, hey, all college women, be aware and reduce your risk.
Not a criticism. The *other girl* does not refer to her friend – it’s the girl who has made the mistake to make herself more vulnerable – for men like him, there will always be the “easiest target”.
I know what you meant, but the point is that the more women are aware of risks and alert to their surroundings, the fewer rapes are going to happen. To say that if one woman is a hard target, another one will just get raped instead is messed up.
Yes, it’s true that bad actors will pass over a hard target in search of a softer one, but don’t use that as justification for making bad decisions like oh what’s the point, someone’s gonna get raped anyway.
It’s not justifying bad decisions or putting yourself in a vulnerable position – it is emphasising that no amount of a bad decision transfers blame from the assailant to the victim. As you have said, “Don’t get drunk” addresses the specific person’s vulnerability, not pervasive sexual violence itself, nor the entitlement of a particular individual to another person’s body. Addressing the latter is the only thing that will stop sexual assault.
I’m sorry this happened to you. They’ve been your friends for years and it’s really unfortunate that, at least, that guy proved otherwise. You’ve done the right thing cutting him out of your life. None of it was your fault and I hope you are able to move on.
