My male friend took advantage of me when I was drunk- is it my fault?
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If I had a friend for a long time I wouldn’t automatically assume that he would rape me the minute I passed out. I would likely trust him. Again – it’s not the OPs responsibility to not be raped.
However, I’m also a cynical skeptic asshole. And while I almost always try to follow the “Don’t be an asshole rule” I have no problem not being nice. Drinking too much because he was buying was “being nice”. We are often taught to be nice – even if it’s counter to our own safety. Gift of Fear is excellent in pointing that out.
At this point I’m responding to commenters, Keyblade, not the OP. They are responding to me and I’m replying back.
Maybe she had another round than she should have because it was fun and she didn’t think her friend would follow her up to her bedroom and see what would happen, maybe she wasn’t being polite she just was caught up in the moment and unfortunately drank too much. So what? It isn’t as though he gave her a breathalyzer to test her Blood-alcohol-level, he waited until she was away from everyone else in her bedroom. It seems he hoped she’d be too drunk to give any “no” signals but she did.
I can respect advice in general to not get wasted, I just don’t think this is the best context for it.
But knowing what to look for and being aware is different based on who the person is.
It looks different if its someone you know really well and have a long, safe history with is trying to give you shot after shot than if it’s someone you don’t know well or already are suspicious of.
You say women should rely on their intuition, but your intuition is going to tell you different things depending on who you are with.
I think my intuition wouldn’t have screamed danger if it was a good friend doing this.
I would have to change my whole mindset about who can be trusted and who can’t and basically decide most men aren’t trustworthy, no matter how well I think I know them or how many friendly safe interactions we’ve had in the past.
And I personally am not willing to alter my outlook that much.
Up to a third of men apparently would do rapey things if they could get away with it. It’s not like, this guy you can always trust, and this one you can’t. It’s just being aware that a relatively high percentage of guys, with opportunity and with alcohol involved, would do things not in your best interest. And basically not getting blackout drunk. I’m not even pushing back on the OP, not since she said she doesn’t usually get drunk. I’m pushing back on the general idea that there’s nothing you can do to stay safer so why bother making any changes to how you think about guys or saying no to a 10th drink if you feel like having it. You really have to assume that at least a couple of the guys around you at any given time are potential predators, because they are. That’s why I think her parents are really misguided with this “drunk guys stay over” policy. And why you cannot go out and party with the attitude that none of your friends will do anything fucked up.
I do regret what I wrote. There’s a time and a place and it is probably not the time and place.
My sister is eight years younger than me. When she was in Highschool I taught her how to take care of herself and her friends and how to drink safely, essentially. I’m very cautious with who watches my children. I’ve kind of made it my mission to help prevent these things happening to my nearest and dearest and I responded in that light, rather than this just happened and she’s still reeling from it. For that I do apologize.
I do think teaching safety and precautions and how to drink, etc is really important. I didn’t have it really when I was growing up (this was the era of DARE, which was basically abstinence only education) and I had a learning curve (+shitty friends, bfs, self destructive tendencies) for a long time.
Anyway, time and place. And I am sorry for my earlier comments.
In the end, DW is an advice forum. It’s not a substitute for therapy. When people ask for advice, we all respond based on our own personal experiences. All we can do is share our insight with a LW. In order to heal, she needs more than reassurance from strangers.
LW, I sincerely hope you seek therapy. A professional can help you work through your very real and very valid feelings.
Ohmygoodness, I feel like a lot of these comments need to be moved to a separate thread. Regardless of the intentions, the OP has to feel like she’s being berated again and again (and again…) and being told the same things again and again.
You really have to assume that at least a couple of the guys around you at any given time are potential predators, because they are.
Pass. If that’s to my own peril, so be it. But I would rather live my life in a way that doesn’t have me suspicious of every man around me even if I’ve known them for years and been in many similar situations with them in the past.
There are many things I would suggest to young women could do if they want to try to lessen their risk of being targeted, and certainly I suggest they be more thoughtful when assessing the character of men around them or really listening to those times the pit of your stomach is screaming at you to not give them the benefit of the doubt, but for me personally its not worth it to assume the worst of every dude I know.
Maybe that’s heightening my risk, but I also don’t want to be living my whole live everyday in that mindset.
@anonymousse- I think a lot of people have been in similar circumstances which makes it especially easy for these kinds of questions to bring out anecdotal thoughts about a wide range of issues.
I think when someone can identify with trauma it’s tempting to teach because one might genuinely have experience, thoughts, and something to say on the matter. However, I think the timing after something like this, probably makes a difference in a person’s ability to filter out what will be useful for them versus information that will just feed destructive or false internal narratives/ lessons and misplaced shame, guilt, and self-blame. I doubt anyone should be practicing counseling on the thread and my opinion isn’t necessarily more accurate than other posters but to me it seemed the discussion really got away from this particular letter writer and her particular question and particular circumstances.
If I’m being honest, my own responses were probably somewhat colored and reactionary to previous comments.
Replying to earlier comments, yes, I have been out drinking with this guy before. We’ve been clubbing together and NOTHING of this sort has happened. He’s bought me drinks in the past and NOTHING like this had happened. I thought he was my friend, so I thought I could trust him.
Also replying- I’m going to be seeing a counsellor as soon as I get back to university. I want to be able to move on with my life and be happy but I still feel like this was my fault. I know I shouldn’t have drank so much.
