Name Change Mess
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What’s his reasoning for not budging on it? Just to be clear, he says he’s not ok with you having 2 last names, his + yours, and wants you to give up your maiden name? Why?
His reasoning is that he doesn’t want to have a different last name than his wife and children. Though when I point out that his last name will still be in there, it doesn’t make a difference.
His only other reasons besides that as been how I took my ex’s last name, no one else in my family (females) kept their maiden names, or my brother may change his mind and have kids to pass on the name.
I have mentioned him taking my maiden name, but he was not interested and couldn’t really give a good reason. I do think it’s more complicated for him to change his name than it will be for me, but that shouldn’t be enough of a reason IMO.
Why would it be more “complicated” for a man to change his name vs. a woman changing hers?
IDK, this reaction wouldn’t sit well with me. But, I truly can’t imagine it happening to me because I’d like to think if I ever do meet someone, they’ll be progressive.
If you said, look, I feel strongly about this. It’s about my identity, and about keeping property in the family, and I am going to change my name to First Middle Maiden Yours after we’re married, what would he do? Not marry you?
Yeah…count me among those who would be thinking twice about this relationship. If it’s so important to him that you have the same last name, why won’t he take yours? I think he wants you to “prove” that you love him as much/more than you loved your ex. That’s really not cool. Also not cool that he won’t recognize your right to grow and change as a person since your first marriage.
I never had to make my husband understand that I wasn’t going to change my name. I just said, I really don’t want to change my name. He said okay. That was it. I didn’t/don’t want to change my name because I like it, and I was pretty used to it after 30 years. And it’s a lot of work to change it. I don’t want to take off work to go to the Social Security/the DMV/get a new passport/call my bank, credit cards, and on and on. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. Just another way the patriarchy keeps women down! (We’re friends with a couple where the wife changed her name, but her husband had preferred that she keep her maiden name. He was afraid of losing his feminist cred! Of course, being a feminist, he recognized that it was 100% her choice.)
Our daughter does have my husband’s last name. He did ask for that – our deal was kind of, I grow her and then she has his last name. That’s pretty common, I think, but that’s probably the next frontier. We know a few families that created a new family name when kids were born. I also know plenty of kids with four names (First Middle Mom’sLastName Dad’sLastName or some variant thereof).
In my state men have to go through an entirely different and expensive legal process to change their names after marriage.
It does very much irk me when he brings up my ex as a reason I shouldn’t do two last names.
Yes, he will still marry me but I am hesitant to move forward if he will not allow our children to also have my maiden name. I just don’t understand his stubbornness on this issue at all. His last name is notorious in our area an is associated with not-very-nice people. Which is why he did not have anything to do with that side of his family.
I wonder if it is an issue of pride? My family is much better-off than his family. Do you think that would have anything to do with him not wanting to have my maiden name in his children’s name, or why he wouldn’t take mine? Does that even make sense?
I think you’re digging past the obvious sexism. It’s not your background, it’s that he feels entitled to be the patriarch.
He should be able to articulate something like that to you if that’s an issue that he has. Everyone on here thinks he’s being an asshole about it, and you’re reluctant to move forward. I think you should tell him you don’t get it and are reluctant to move forward.
Yeah I mean the problem is that you feel you need to make your fiance understand something that is of huge importance to you rather than being bale to talk to him about it. You guys have a communication breakdown that I suspect extends further than this one particular topic.
I’d recommend couples counseling BEFORE you get married.By the way, its the same process for a man to change his name after marriage as a woman, its just that far fewer men go through the process. So if he wants a family name so badly, he can also be YourMaiden HisLast just like the rest of you!
I would also look into the legal issues with the land inheritance. It really has to go to someone with your actual maiden name as their last name? Is there any way that could be amended? No one imagined a future time where there might not be any heirs with the same last name as their great-great-great-grandfather? What happens if you can’t have kids? Or have kids and give them the name, but then they decide not to have kids? (I’m not a lawyer and have no experience with inheriting anything of value, so pardon my ignorance here.)
I did tell him last night after we fought about this issue when I brought it up again. I told him that I am not changing my mind and don’t think we should get married until it is settled. He is trying to act like the argument never happened today, but I refuse to let it go. We are supposed to be getting married on Sept 2. I think he has to decide whether or not he is going to be ok with it very soon. Otherwise, we need to rethink getting married right now.
Totally agree.
PS, actually I’m curious too… If you couldn’t inherit the property without your maiden name, why didn’t you keep it before?
