Name Change Mess
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Exactly what Kate said. He needs to articulate a better reason than “I want my family to have the same last name” because his name is still in the mix.
I think I would have serious reservations about marrying someone who said what he’s saying and then shutting the conversation down.
FWIW, I’m not changing my last name and the fiance was 100% cool with it. In fact, I mentioned hyphenating because his is only 4 letters, but he said he’d prefer I didn’t. So… we’re good. Come to think of it, others have a problem with it. People suck.
The research I have done tells me that in my state he has to do the whole court process and fees, ad in the newspaper, judge approval business that women do not. When I changed my name the first time all I did was take my birth certificate and marriage certificate to the DMV and SS office. That is not the process for men in my state.
When I got married the first time, my brother was planning to have children and because he is the eldest his children would have inherited the land. Now, he and his wife do not want children any longer so carrying on the maiden name is left to me.
I should look more into the inheritance issue as I’ve actually only ever taken my grandparents/parent’s word that it says it has to pass on to a member of my family with the maiden name. It is not a significant inheritance, only about 40 acres and a house, but it does mean a lot to me and my family.
If the inheritance were not part of the deal, would you still want your future kids to have your last name too?
I think he gets a say in kids’ names. But not so much in yours.
Regarding the inheritance even if the property ‘has’ to be sold, does it stipulate to who and for how much? Can’t the executor sell it to the hypothetical kids?
TBH, I think it’s really sad that something like what you choose to call yourself could derail a relationship. (This is a general comment, not specific to you, LW.)
It’s sexist all the way around. The arrangement on inheriting the property was likely intended as a way to exclude daughters who married. LW’s solution still strikes me as strange. If her married name is First Name, Middle Name, Birth Surname, Husbands Surname would that really satisfy the inheritance requirements? Talk to a lawyer! But if you and fiancé are fighting over this ‘compromise’ formulation, why not just retake your birth surname as your unambiguous surname, rather than chancing that ‘it’s in there somewhere and I don’t consider a second middle name — its the first of my two unhypenated surnames’ ev
Yeah it would still be a big deal to me. I am proud of my maiden name and do not want the lineage to die out.
Even if he did associate with his father’s side of the family, there is certainly not any fear that the name will die out anytime soon.
That’s a very good point @Juliecatharine. I plan to look further into the “rules” of the inheritance.
“The arrangement on inheriting the property was likely intended as a way to exclude daughters who married.”
I suspect you are 100% correct.
I’m assuming that he is just as adamantly opposed to the kids having both last names. I don’t think it is fair for him to choose to cut them out of an inheritance that way. That should be their choice. I think they could resent him for that and he needs to think about it.
I didn’t have to convince my husband about my name. I just told him I was keeping my name. If he had been resistant I don’t think I could have married him. I believe it is commitment and loyalty and love and sharing, etc. that make a family. The individual names are irrelevant to that. I know too many kids who have their dad’s name and don’t know their dad, to the point of wouldn’t recognize their dad.
