Our daughter is refusing help and pushing us out of her car/apartment buying
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That’s impressive, Copa! I never had much money when I first moved out. Even into my first apartment on my own, without roommates I didn’t have more than a few thousand extra.
I didn’t buy a car until I was 31!
She will be fine! You’re holding on to her too tightly.
I don’t know the exact dynamics in the family, but you’re painting a picture. It’s possible this is just the last straw and she won’t listen to you no matter what because she’s determined to demonstrate independence.
I’d think long and hard if you’ve ever influenced her adult decisions in the past. Did you pressure her where to go to college or what to major in? Influence where she works? Whom she sees socially? Could you imagine paying for her wedding and then saying that you get to influence the guest list (or other decisions) because you’re funding it?
If the answer is yes to any of the above, I’m guessing she’s just…done.
@anonymousse I lived at home for awhile to put a dent in my student loans and save before moving out. I’m sure my parents worried when I took that plunge — they knew how deep in debt I was and what my starting salary was (it was fairly low) — but it was important to me to be independent and figure out how to make my life work on what I earned. Thankfully nobody tried to micromanage my life when I decided it was time to leave.
I did go through my own share of struggles and worries about money — I don’t think you’re wrong that the first years on your own can be difficult, LW — but in my 30s I’m glad for what they taught me. I think I’m more grateful for all I have now than I would’ve been had someone always swooped in to save me before I could test my own wings.
Not terribly long after that initial move, I got a job in my current city and called my dad to talk it through, proving that even the fiercely independent kids will still come to you for your input sometimes. When they want it and need it.
Btw, saving $21K in only 9 months is an incredible achievement on the part of LW’s daughter and testament to her maturity, financial sense, and ability to manage her own affairs.
Right?? That’s a nice chunk of cash. It also speaks to the daughter’s maturity in that she knows she can’t afford both the car and the move into a place so she’ll live at home a few more months. She’s doing well!
Ron, that is exactly why I am attempting to have her save her money by pitching in because I know she has worked so hard for it.
This issue has reached a ridiculous point and our daughter has even caught an attitude with us and said disrespectful things because we are trying to HELP her which boggles my mind. Even threatening to go back to her original 10K used car idea if we do not let her pay the full 18K for this newer vehicle. May I reiterate we have ALREADY PAID FOR HALF THE CAR IN LEASE PAYMENTS, in this instance she would not be independent here.
I guess I just want my viewpoint to be understood here.
Right, she’s probably saying disrespectful things because you’re treating her like a child instead of accepting that she’s a young adult with her own plan for her own life, her own way of wanting to do things. You’re making her feel belittled.
The more you write, the more I understand why she doesn’t want the strings that would be attached to the help you are offering her. Your my-way-is-the-only-way attitude sounds overbearing.
Your viewpoint is understood, people know that you are trying to be helpful. But if it’s not what the person you’re trying to help wants or needs, it has the opposite effect. Your daughter has made clear that she wants to do things independently of you. If you want to be helpful, support the decisions she’s making. I don’t understand why you can’t take a step back.
All I can think of here is me and my friend from primary school. We’re the same age and grew up in the same street but had VERY different parenting styles. I was given independence pretty young, started working at 14, got my licence bang on time and moved 6 hours away a couple of months after I turned 18 in a rental I found and signed for myself so I could go to uni. My friend, on the other hand, was smothered into oblivion. She wasn’t allowed to get a job, wasn’t allowed to get her licence until she was over 18 and finished school, wasn’t allowed to even pick her own major at uni and was forced to go to the one near home so she could live there under their thumb.
Unlike my friend I made a few mistakes and things took a bit longer to work out for me but ultimately they did. My friend at 30 still couldn’t buy a car herself despite making good money (in the career that was chosen for her) because she literally couldn’t make a decision without her parents – to the point of anxiety and panic attacks. We’re now in our 40s and she just in the last couple of years has her first serious partner.
I’m not saying you’re as bad as my friend’s parents but you’re definitely thinking in similar ways even if your actions aren’t as overbearing. I made mistakes but I knew the consequences were largely mine if I did (which spurred more critical thinking) and if not my parents would be supportive, that made such a positive difference in my young adulthood. Let the kid breathe, show your support behind the scenes instead of bulldozing problems for her. If you genuinely want her to be independent and have a successful life she has to make decisions, sometimes they’ll be wrong but that’s when you can give your support.
We understand, we just don’t agree with you.
Back off or get ready to have a lesser relationship than you have now with your daughter. She’s telling you explicitly she’s fed up by refusing your help with the car. It’s time to let up. You aren’t doing that, you’re still treating her like she’s a child and you know best. You don’t know best, you know best for YOU, not her. If you don’t start to consider what we’re saying, she will make greater boundaries with you.
You can make this whole issue go away right now, by just backing off. By the way she’s acting, it’s clear that she’s incredibly frustrated with your refusal to let her make her own decisions. Just stop this. Let her do what she wants. She is trying to do normal, responsible adult things, not, idk, smoke bath salts and go to raves. Stop being the overbearing snowplow parents who won’t allow their adult child to make a mistake. You’re honestly hurting her here. We all do understand your POV, but you don’t understand hers. You could be permanently damaging your relationship with your daughter right now. You need to stop this.
Good lord. I mean, what can you possibly say about this damn car that you haven’t already?
She said no.
If you respect her as an adult and want an adult relationship with her, you will stop pestering her and let her make her own decisions, whether you like them or agree with them. Only offer your opinion when she asks.
Do you want your daughter to reach adulthood-I guess middle age, since she is already an adult-not knowing how to do a thing for herself? Not knowing how to decide?
She is not you. She is not struggling, praying for help at night. She’s asking you to respect her and you aren’t.
