Prolonging the inevitable
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You’re allowed to draw whatever boundaries you want, but I can’t be the only one that thinks “installing accountability software” is a major privacy violation.
Going forward, you need to be very upfront at the beginning of a relationship that “no pornography” is a hard line for you, and be very clear what you define pornography as because even that definition is going to change person-to-person. For example, is it just videos of sexual acts? Is it pornography if it’s only one person in underwear? Is a thirst-trap heavy Instagram account pornography? Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition? Sears Catalog? Is it cheating if he fantasizes about anyone else?
Be prepared for this to be a deal-breaker for a lot of guys.
Thank you for your input. I will take that into consideration for sure. I think you’re right about being upfront and specific from the very beginning. I am fine with it being a deal-breaker for guys.
I simply don’t enjoy the idea of my partner getting off to other women. Again, I’m not here to convince anyone of anything. This is simply how I feel about it.
Set the boundaries that are right for you – but please know that by setting this boundary, you are potentially setting yourself up for failure. Several years ago they tried to do a study on male adult content users and they couldn’t find a control group (as in – they couldn’t find any men who didn’t consume at least a little bit).
I am not criticizing your choices or your boundaries, you have to do what is best for you; but maybe this is something to discuss with your therapist, because you are potentially setting up conditions that are so “zero tolerance” you will either have to remain alone or your partner has to lie to you.
What’s the line, though? You police his masturbation? Is he supposed to tell you who he imagined, or is he just not allowed to at all?
I do think therapy might be a good place for this. I don’t really care about porn either way, I’ve never dated a guy obsessed with it or had it affect my life/sex life and just can’t imagine this line, that any pornography viewing ever is verboten.
Do you masturbate?
I don’t understand what the issue is. Naked women are everywhere. Humans are everywhere. People are going to see other naked people and be curious. I guess I just wonder where someone gets such a hatred for a thing. I went to art school and did live nude model drawing classes and such so I don’t really see the big issue with nudity at all per se. How is looking at a video of someone else having sex, cheating on you?
Just here to play devil’s advocate, I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel upset.
Honestly, I don’t need to explain myself. My post wasn’t even mainly about this. I don’t need people questioning me about a certain topic. Thanks and have a good day!
When I left my husband of almost 20 years, it was the scariest thing I had ever done. Moving from a full household of people and pets to my own place by myself at first felt awful. It didn’t help that I moved out in January and the heat didn’t work in my new place for the first week. I laid alone every night on my mattress on the floor (hadn’t bought a bed yet) in my cold, cold apartment and wondered if I had made a terrible mistake. Because change is scary.
I didn’t make a mistake. I had known in my gut for many years that he wasn’t the right person for me — I just didn’t believe I could do better. But it was the BEST decision I ever made. I spend a good chunk of time focused on me. I decorated the way I liked. I ate the foods I loved that he hated. I poured energy into my friendships and built a wonderful, supportive social network. I took on some extra work and paid off all my debt. I spent a lot of time reconnecting with what makes me happy, because I had completely suppressed my own instincts and desires for someone else. Do I feel like getting up early or sleeping in? Do I want to have people over or enjoy some alone-time? I had to literally ask myself these things and check in with myself, until I got to a place where I felt like I knew ME again.
Give yourself the gift of you. If you describe the majority of your relationship as “rocky” you are not in a good relationship. And you are setting a terrible example for your daughter, teaching her that it’s better to be miserable than single. Let me put it a different way — do you want her growing up and settling for the kind of relationship you’re in right now? If not, then you need to show her that it is acceptable and doable to leave.
Leaving feels scary because you think you’ll be alone forever. But on the flip side, if you don’t leave you’ll never be free to meet someone you really ARE happy with. Several years after leaving my ex I met my now-fiance. I never have bad gut feelings about him. I never describe our relationship as rocky. I never doubt that we should be together and I trust him completely. I am thrilled to be marrying him and I never would have had that if I didn’t take the risk of moving into that cold lonely apartment years ago.
Update:
It has now been several months since I made this post. I am just now deciding to finally leave this relationship. Things have progressively gotten worse between us and we had a fight about a week ago, which made me decide to be done with this relationship once and for all. Trust between us is completely gone and he’s obviously not “the one”. It hasn’t been easy but I know that it’s for the best and I will be okay. I’ve realized that being alone and focusing on myself and my daughter will be a million times better than being in a relationship that only makes me more unhappy and miserable.
