Relationship finances advice
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Yeah, I frankly think it’s really immature not even knowing how to make the basics. I honestly would be fine doing all of the cooking because I really love it, but he should at least be able to so I don’t HAVE to. Because what happens if we’re both not financially able to afford him ordering takeout if I’m not making dinner? What happens then? I have brought this up in the past and he says he’s learn how. He still hasn’t. So. Yeah…this is another red flag?
Anonymousse, that’s what’s mostly bothering me now. Why does he worry so much about money when he makes a decent wage and doesn’t pay rent? We all have our little hobbies / unnecessary expenses that we have for fun but everything I know about isn’t SO much, like he can easily afford his hobbies and all of that. So I don’t get it. But I really can’t come up with any answers as to why he’d be worrying so much?
Yesterday after more talking he does totally remember our agreements ahead of our vacation and was laughing about how this whole time he thought I was bad with money but now realizes he should’ve just said something from the start to clear up this whole thing.
And another thing, he was upset about multiple things today, one being work which he talked about, and then there was something else he was upset about but didn’t want to talk about. I gently pushed but let it go after he refused. But he talks about everything, work, friends, family, mental health, childhood stuff, the whole boatload. So what the heck is this?
I think I also need to be careful with this whole cooking thing because my mom did all the cooking for my dad but hated it because she didn’t like to cook to start off with. So I wound up doing all the cooking for my family & I still do actually. My dad though knows how to cook and can make really yummy meals when he does – it’s just super infrequent. And it’s like it’s the woman’s job sort of? He doesn’t say that.. my grandpa does though. My grandpa is a total misogynist sexist. My dad is like the mini sexist who’s definitely better than his father but still has that outdated mindset even still. So anyways, I do love to cook though!!! But I don’t want to wind up HAVING to cook or the only option is takeout. Which nothing wrong with takeout, but what happens when someone loses a job or whatever and spending $20 on a pizza is too much but I just don’t feel like cooking?
Right, what happens when there’s groceries in the fridge that have to be cooked but you’re too busy or not home yet or not feeling well? If you do ever move in together, he should commit to taking some basic cooking classes, or cooking with you so he can learn how.
You are setting yourself up to be in exactly that scenario, though! And why? Don’t you want more?
I am a mother of two kids. I got really sick unexpectedly last year for months. If my husband couldn’t or (wouldn’t-is the truth, anyone can cook or clean if they can read) cook or clean, I don’t know what they would have eaten.
My MIL has declined in dementia pretty young. Her elderly husband can cook just fine and he grew up traditionally. You’re being fed bullshit, honey.
Why are you dating an older childish man who lives at home and can’t cook or clean for himself? He’s the type who isn’t going to do it well if you teach him and you’ll end up doing everything. Learned incompetence. And he’s got you excited for that arrangement!
It’s highly suspect that he “suddenly” remembers and is laughing about it. If he truly has a memory this bad, don’t give him your money. Pay rent separately if you do move in with him. To ensure it gets to the landlord.
It seems like you’re smart and young and have a lot going for you. You can find a sharper knife in the drawer who isn’t trying to take green months rent from you upfront for no good reason.
He should have just said something from the start to clear this up? That he thinks YOU are bad with money? LOL. And you didn’t press that more?
The many neon red flags are waving.
(He now remembers the discussion and agreement the two of you had regarding what you would pay for your share of the vacation and that you couldn’t go if it was 50-50) is not how memory generally works. You prompted him during your discussion and that didn’t jog his memory of something that wasn’t that many months ago. Either he was gaslighting you before and has now decided another approach may work better or he still doesn’t remember (unlikely) but thought it to his advantage to pretend now.
Having money problems, while living at home, and earning more than you is a problem. It’s possible he lied about how much he earns and actually earns less than you do. Or he has an expensive vice, like gambling or drugs, that he’s hidden from you, or he has big debts from prior vices or a divorce. In any case, you can’t live with him with this big a gap on what you know about him, especially coupled with all the gaslighting on your having to pay all of your share of rent up front and not having your name on lease.
He came off that remarkably fast, btw.This is one sketchy dude.
“He then asked why this makes me feel so uncomfortable and why I’m know saying I want my name to be on the lease.”
It’s a bad sign when wanting to know the reasons for things that make no sense are whittled down to “making you feel uncomfortable.” It’s a lot of money that you know he wouldn’t just hand to you and trust you with it. You shouldn’t have to prove your trustworthiness!
Wanting your name on the lease is not weird or strange. If he was asking a male friend to move in, they’d want their name on the lease to establish their rental history. Otherwise YOU aren’t paying rent, he is and you’re just living with him and he can kick you out. And you’ll have no way to prove your a good renter if your if your name is not on the lease. He gets all the benefits and you get nothing out of this! Nothing.
I think this is raising huge red flags and the whole this is very sus.
Not putting your name on the lease means you don’t have any legal standing to stay in the apartment, but you’d be paying half the rent.
Not knowing how to cook is absolutely ridiculous you know why? You tube. We’ve had 50 years of cooking shows (literally, Julia Childs did this in the 70’s) and you can find videos that show you the difference between chopping, dicing or julienne-ing. Don’t know how to poach an egg? Youtube. Not sure how to test pasta is done? Youtube. Secrets to making roasted vegetables – you.fucking.tube.
And not for nothing – my dad and step dad both had bachelor years. These guys, would be in their 70’s now (both have died). My dad was old school and he did the laundry, would mop, would take care of stuff. My stepdad far less old school – this guy thought the vacuum was the greatest invention and looked forward to zooming around with that on Sunday mornings. Dishwasher done? He just emptied it – never had to be told. because he was an adult who understood he made the dishes dirty so it was up to him to clean them too.
I do think it’s a bad idea to move in with someone when neither of you have yet lived on your own or with roommates. This is looking more and more like your boyfriend has always been taken care of by mom and is looking to continue to have a woman take care of him, but adding regular sex into the mix. He’s expecting you to more than pull your weight financially and in the household, without the benefit of building credit, renter track record, a trusting and supportive partner, or a partner who does their share. He’s bad with money. He’s bad with housework. He’s not honest with you. You’re so much better off emerging from your parents’ home into an independent situation with roommates so you can get your feet under you and figure out how things work, before trying to do this with a partner. And you want to be able to observe that partner in their own home to see how they really handle things. Guys I dated after my divorce in my 20s kept their apartments clean, cooked for themselves, and handled their business. My first husband went straight from his grandmother’s house to the military to marriage. He couldn’t handle anything and eventually spiraled.
Piling on, but yeah, if he wants to contribute with the cooking, he’s capable of learning. I personally loathe cooking but I’m a good cook. My husband cooks most of the time because he doesn’t hate it. I do other stuff he hates. But I step up all of the time when he’s just not in the mood, and I compensate with other chores. Inequality breeds resentment.
I seem to be the only one saying this, but I don’t have a problem with you not being on the lease — if your relationship went bad, you’d be able to leave at any point with no financial commitment. I’d never pay ahead though. It takes no effort at all to set up auto transfers from your checking account on the first of the month.
I think there are a lot of red flags, but they aren’t necessarily what you’d think. He may just have a lot of anxiety over money — it’s a real thing. Ask him if he’s ever sat down and listed his income and expenses, and if he’s ever stuck to a budget. As if he’s saving for retirement, and if he has debt payments he’s making.
I help people get through this kind of thing for my job. It’s astonishing how emotional people get over money, and how they block out so much. And I can tell you if you aren’t financially compatible, your relationship is doomed.
I’m really glad to hear you put the brakes on moving in together for now. With the lease thing, it may not even be legal to have you living there without being on the lease. In my last rental, my lease explicitly stated that having a guest (someone not on the lease) for more than a certain number of days was prohibited without express permission from the landlord. The only reasons I can possibly think of for your boyfriend to 1.) not want you on the lease and 2.) want all your rent up front, is that either he totally doesn’t trust you, or he was planning to kick you out early and keep your share of the rent.
Also, I realize people live with their parents for all kinds of reasons and there’s no shame in it, but personally I won’t live with a guy until I see how he lives when he’s on his own. I was happy to move in with my current boyfriend because he lived alone before that and I saw with my own eyes that he cooked for himself, kept his apartment very clean, and overall just managed his life independently and successfully. You’ve made an agreement on chores with your BF but do you really know if he’ll hold up his end of things? Or will he conveniently “forget” that whole conversation and swear you offered to do all the housework?
