Should I end this friendship …
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The bar for male friends is really deep in the basement, isn’t it? I was at “yes, absolutely end this friendship permanently” about 3 sentences in, but it just kept getting worse.
I think @Anonymousse really said everything well. I have a lot of doubts about your therapist’s skills given what you presented here. They don’t seem to be appropriately alarmed about this friend’s behavior, assuming you were truthful with them.
Someone who has a sexual interest in you is not, and cannot be, a good friend. You say you don’t want to end the friendship because he has always been there for you when you needed someone, but the only reason he’s been there is because he expects to get sex in return. That’s not friendship.
Right, two things about men: 1) when they say they haven’t been close/intimate with their wife in years, they are trying to have sex with you, 2) if their actions don’t match their words, look at their actions for the truth. He says “friends,” he says he doesn’t see you in a sexual way, but he tries to put his foot up your shorts (gross!) and grabs your ass.
I think you DO understand these things, but you want to gaslight yourself into believing it’s just a friendship because you want to hang out with him because you’re lonely / he feeds your ego. Is that accurate?
Okay, I will leave the counselor subject alone after this but she can’t and will never tell me what to do. Her words. However, she will help me see things more clearly, which she has. I have been honest with her because why else would I see a counselor if I’m not going to be honest.
I can’t say I truly believe that they’re not close and haven’t been close for 7 years. That does seem like a stretch and yes, something that men with an agenda say. The blanket thing was not something planned. We were sitting on his couch and there has a blanket which he used to cover my legs partially. I definitely thought that was weird. There were people around that could possibly see that so that was a red flag for me but I didn’t speak up for myself. Moving someone’s hands isn’t enough and apparently telling them no isn’t enough either. They keep pushing so what I got from this is that I have to be firm and let people go if they don’t comply with my boundaries. I have been trying to meet more women (as friends) lately. I don’t have any other guy friends for a reason and I think I should stick with that. I probably put up with that behavior because I was lonely and felt like I had no one else to “rely on”. But I know that I shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of behavior and anyone who acts that way isn’t meant to be in my life and shouldn’t be in it.Yes!
You say no, you say don’t ever do that again, you leave, and then you can either just never see them again and cut off contact with no explanation, or if it’s someone you think genuinely misunderstood and deserves a second chance, you tell them if they ever do anything like that again you are done. And then if it happens again, you gtfo and cut off contact.
Yeah, your “counselor” can only give you advice but no counselor in her right mind would suggest trying to set boundaries with your nice, married, older, male friend. My therapist calls me out on my bullshit. You’re an adult woman, and you’re unsure if this is sexual harassment? If he’s sexually interested in you?
Is he your sugar daddy that you stopped seeing when you were dating your ex, who told you this guy was inappropriate, so it’s not like that idea was a new one for you??
I also don’t think most people with a really great, qualified therapist need to go to online forums for simple issues like this. Anyone could tell you what we’ve told you. Anyone, your daughter, your mother, any friend, any counselor or therapist would keep want to keep you from further mental damage. That’s what constant sexual harassment is. I am seriously worried about your child, you don’t seem to give a shit about yourself, is she okay? Your tone is ne of mild annoyance and of someone used to upbeing used by men for a lifetime.
*Your tone is one of mild annoyance and of someone used to being used by men for a lifetime.
What kind of advice were you expecting to get here?
Like scripts to tell Gary to stop grabbing your ass? Discreet ways of dissuading him from sexually harassing you when you’ve seemingly put up with it for years from years?I am seriously worried about you. It’s really concerning behavior. Most people don’t go right back to their previous abuser. Especially someone seeing a really great therapist. Why would you lie to your counselor, EASY because people are terrified of facing the truth of themselves, usually. People lie all the time.
If you need to hear it from someone else, LW, this guy is not your friend. He’s gross and disrespectful, to you and to his wife. I don’t remember the details of your last post (like ages, if you included that), but at 22 years your senior he sounds like a sketchy predator. And I mean he’s assaulting you so… he is a predator.
I think the therapist’s advice to set boundaries and then enforce them (by ending the friendship) is fine… it’s LW who has not been doing that but needs to, and acknowledges she has not because she is lonely.
You’re not accountable for the bad behavior of men, LW, but you are accountable for your own. You need to work on your self esteem so that you are making healthier choices about the company you keep. I promise being lonely is better than this. You also need to work on building your community/support system.
@Anonymousse what is your deal? You sound anything but concerned about me. He is not my sugar daddy and I doubt people post on here to get comments like yours. I appreciate the feedback from everyone but I don’t appreciate the rude comments.
@Copa thank you for your reply. You are right. My self esteem isn’t in the greatest place so that is something I need to work on. I am trying to build my support system by making new friends and trying new things. I may end in volunteering as a way to occupy my time in something worthwhile.Wait, you mean my repeated attempts at you to get to actual therapy? Through your multiple posts and weird ideas about porn, sex and unacceptable behavior from friends?
At least one of us is concerned about your disturbing behavior. You seem to be more offended by the sugar daddy comment than anything else which is pretty telling. So you pay for a sitter and go see this married man? Or do you take her with? Either way, gross.
And guess what, you go on the internet, you get feedback and some of it you won’t like. You’re putting yourself and your daughter at risk and I think it’s sad and disturbing. I’m not sorry that bothers you, it should.
The answer to the question you asked is that you definitely should end this friendship. I don’t disagree that you need to strongly enforce your boundaries, but you communicated your reaction to his initial sexual gambint/assault quite clearly on multiple occasions. A friend would have stopped immediately, realizing you didn’t want anything more than friendship and that his actions upset you. A sexual abuser wouldn’t stop. This shows you how this guy views his ‘friendship’ with you. Not your friend. Good to learn how to enforce boundaries, but that will just draw out the process with this guy. Save the hassle and MOA. No need to explain why — believe me he knows. No need to do it in person. Hate to say this, but probably safer to do it by fade or text. It is possible for you to have a platonic male friend, but this guy isn’t it.
