Should I end this friendship …
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This is really upsetting to me because your daughter is young, but not that young and super impressionable. Y daughter is the same age. Im sad that you went from breaking up with a guy not too long ago to telling us you were going to reconnect with friends…to this being the only “friend” you’ve seemed to have reconnected with. You chose to start seeing this guy, who you knew was usually sexual and touches you. That’s disturbing to me. You told us you don’t go from man to man, so you must have skipped the part where you focused on yourself and your daughter and what you needed to heal. This is focusing on yourself. You sound really passive in your life and your have a daughter that needs you do be stronger and better, Honestly, I’m starting to like the ex because at least he knew this guy was bs and told you so years ago. He’s got that going for him.
I’ll stop commenting now.I went back and read your earlier post. It does sound like you have a potentially debilitating fear of being alone, and the intolerance of porn seems like it’s about needing a guy to prove he’s 100% devoted to you, with eyes for no other women? That kind of jibes with the lack of female friendships you talk about. I’m definitely not a psychologist but those two things seem to go together. So then after your breakup (he did end up moving out, right?), you find yourself spending time with this 50 y/o married skeeveball because you don’t want to be alone and haven’t developed healthy female friendships or other good ways to spend your time. Does this make sense? Is it a path you’ve explored in therapy?
The first part resonates with me. I don’t know if this is maybe completely wrong but I just wanted to be “chosen” instead of being put second to porn. My ex moved out about 3 weeks after my last post. I will admit that I struggle with the idea of being alone but this “skeeveball” didn’t fill that void. He tried, trust me. But he would never fill that void and I’ve actually made peace with that. I am focusing more on finishing college and meeting new people (women). Initially, I tried to meet new male friends but I decided that’s not what I need or want to do at this point in my life. I have some acquaintances that are female but while I was in the relationship I focused on the relationship way too much and neglected those acquaintances. However, I do need friends more my age anyway so that’s what I’ve been trying to do aside from this friend. He had simply always been there and I realize that I should’ve put an end to his behavior a long time ago but I struggled to stand up for myself.
Ok got it. I do feel like this is a distorted view though: “I just wanted to be “chosen” instead of being put second to porn.”. Like, that might prevent you from forming a healthy relationship with a good man. It might be something to dig into further. Unless they have a problem / addiction, men aren’t choosing between porn and an actual partner, or putting porn over their relationship. They choose a partner and may also consume some porn. It’s not / doesn’t have to be a competition at all.
Women are socialized at a young age to want to be chosen by men. That feeling in general is one that I think many women experience, particularly when they are young and haven’t unpacked a lot of patriarchal bullshit societal messaging, though IDK how many women struggle with that in context of porn. This is a topic to explore in therapy!
