Things Keep Reminding Me of Ex
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When I was 18 I met an older guy at work, we genuinely had lots of artsy, books, music, hobby type things in common, and about a year of just being friends at work we started a relationship. I basically lived with him for four years. He was my first love. The relationship was a rollercoaster, when it was good it was so good, and when it was bad it was really bad. It felt extremely toxic but also so good and right (probably an issue haha). It was very extreme in all ways. The last year of our relationship I was very miserable, tried to break up multiple times but he wasn’t accepting… we were both quite miserable with our lives at the time in addition to our relationship. I broke up with him. He moved to another coast. We both emailed a bit afterwards trying to just resolve things and then just encourage each other in the paths we were now taking now that we had parted and were actually spurned to do things. We didn’t communicate too frequently but occasionally. I pretty soon after got into another relationship, probably too soon after, though I had known the guy for a while so I told myself it was fine and it wasn’t too soon. I do really love him, and now we’re engaged. Recently my ex messaged me and told me he finally found someone and is dating and told me a little bit about her, and he seems happy. I’m happy for him and really want him to be happy in life. And I am genuinely happy for him. I recently got a new job (I never moved out of the area) and a lot of people know my ex or know of my ex, lots of the guys are into the same obscure music he was so it’ll play on the speakers, and it’s like I see someone who knows him or there’s something really weird and random to remind me of him every single day at work now. The job is a dream though, it pays really well, it’s really nice, I really like it, there’s just the little problem of everything reminding me of him. It feels like the couple of months, even six months, after the breakup all over again. I don’t want to be with him, and I’m not jealous of the woman he’s with, I just don’t know what this all means. Because when I’m reminded of him every day, at first I was okay with it, thought it was funny. But now I just miss him. I miss him so much. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him again, that was a mess usually, I just really really miss him. I was wondering if this is normal? Or if anyone here has experienced something similar?
It’s a coincidence, and you have him in your mind. You need to get over him, not keep obsessing over him.
Lots of the guy to the same “obscure music.” I mean I hate to be that guy, but if a lot of people are into it, it’s not that rare or weird or obscure. It seems to be popular and they play it at your workplace.
I hate to be crass but the best way to get over somebody is to get with somebody else. Stop letting everything be about him, it’s not. He’s not that great. Go out on a date.
If this is truly about the band playing on the speakers, because that sees to be the only tangible thing you said is reminding you of him, ask them not to play it, or see if you can wear headphones.
OMG you’re engaged. Therapy, now. Don’t blow up your life for an older, loser-type, mean toxic ex boyfriend. They aren’t happy, you should not be emailing with him.
Maybe you’d be better off cutting ties with your ex altogether.
I think it’s normal to remember (at least some) exes fondly and to have a special place in your heart for them. I feel that way about a couple of mine. If you miss specific things about them, I don’t think that’s inherently a bad thing.
About a year or so ago, my iPhone did me dirty and put together one of those slideshows with music that heavily featured an ex who really hurt me, the breakup had a profound negative mental and emotional impact on me and it took a bit to recover. We did not keep in touch, I haven’t seen or spoken to the guy since a few months post breakup and that was years ago. I don’t care how he’s doing and can’t say I wish him well. I didn’t even finish the slideshow, but found myself having weird dreams about my ex for a few weeks, waking up sad and dwelling a bit because of the dreams. I brought it up in therapy and cried in that session, but talking through the emotions coming up for me was helpful.
Any time something is impacting the quality of your daily life — including memories of an ex — you can schedule some time to talk to a therapist. If you immediately jumped into a new relationship, maybe you never really took the time to grieve and need to do that now.
Are you unhappy in your current relationship?
If you really do love him and do not want to blow up your life: put more effort into your relationship and block this ex. Stop it with the ex. Get horny for your fiancé.
If you’re unhappy, the ex is a distraction that’s telling you you are not happy, and you need to work on the relationship or leave it.
I would really encourage therapy and some deep reflection on your current fiancé and what you actually want. If you’re engaged saying you went into this too fast that to me is a red flag that you aren’t happy. Too fast isn’t too fast if it’s right. The ex is the canary in the coalmine.
Or he’s not. You get to choose what happens next. Be wise.
