Unsure to move-in with my messy boyfriend:is it irrational?
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Dear all,
My boyfriend is very un-organised, his room is messy not dirty but messy. He doesn’t naturally pickup dishes right-after finishing a meal on normal days. He is a bad “grocery shopper”. He wants me to move-in with him but I do not feel the confidence. I feel like by not moving-in with him I am just delaying the consequences. We both adore each other, and we feel butterflies for each other. I really love him but moving-in scares me. On the contrary when we go to friends’ place for dinner or when we have friends over at our respective places, he always take out the dishes, get a water refill or re-fill everybody’s glasses. He would right away wipe the wine spill on the table and always keeps a coaster below a cold drink. He pays attention and remembers everybody’s allergies/preferences. He is very considerate which is an important criterion for me to have fallen in love with him.
And I consider moving-in with him as a next step in the relationship but do not have the confidence. I spoke to my best friends about it, and I got two different reactions. Two of them laughed at me saying I am being un-reasonable and the other two who have met my boyfriend told me that I should trust him on this as he seems like he would happily make these changes for me. So, I am here asking a larger audience which is also more experienced or/and knowledgeable, what you think?
Thank you so much!As an adult mature enough to consider cohabitation, your first instinct should be to talk with your bf about this. Have you? If so, what did he say? If not, why not? Why would you think an online advice forum would provide more reliable guidance than the man himself?
Your bf’s behaviour in others’ homes indicates he understands how he should behave and show respect. How he lives at home indicates some of those behaviours, and having a tidy home, don’t matter to him personally. I would not expect he will suddenly begin to keep a tidy home because you live there – at least not for very long. He will likely revert to his habits and you will end up nagging him. However, maybe not. Talk to the man if you have not yet and make it clear that you will not be able to live in a messy home and ask him if he is willing to adapt.
I’d request a good 3 or so months rent-free (since he is already paying for the place that should be ok) and you will keep your old place during that time. This way, if you end up not being compatible, you can quickly move out, no big deal. That’s not just an out for you but for him too, because if he really hates cleaning or finds living with you not as he’d hoped, he can have you move back out without it being some long, drawn-out thing. Or, let him know you will consider moving in only after he starts keeping a more orderly place so you don’t end up complaining at him like his mother.
Canada Goose has a good suggestion about keeping your own place. Wendy also has a list of factors to consider before moving in together (I believe). 2 factors I’d consider are: 1) How people behave is a better guide to their future behaviour than their stated intentions (‘talk is cheap’). 2) Insinuating that women are being irrational for expecting certain standards of cleanliness/food shopping, etc., is a way to shift the work onto them, whilst making sure they get no credit for doing the work or noticing it needs doing. Search the terms ‘mental load’ and ‘emotional labour’. So, talk to your boyfriend, but don’t start by saying, “you have to live neatly, or I won’t move in.” Instead, lower the stakes and tell him what you have noticed (the contrast in how is at home/alone vs. in front of ‘company’/others. Ask him what he supposes the reasons for this might be. The answer is not as important as getting him to think about the impact of his behaviour. Tell him how you choose to live, and how him being that considerate, thoughtful person is essential to you. Say, how can we fairly reconcile our different styles if we live together? (You need to nail down all the boring details like who does what, how often, what needs buying, who pays for what, etc.) it sounds like you would be moving into a small shared place together and your relationship and passion will die a death quickly if he doesn’t permanently mend his ways. (I say all this as a messy person who alters her behaviour).
Hello again,
I have spoken to him about this number of times, especially pointing out particular mess that had surpassed my tolerance level. His most common response to it is he is too busy and he is stressed from his work and can not put efforts into “these things”. And when I expressed about how I worry about moving-n with him because his perception of mess is really really really different from mine. His response is, “I live alone so I do not have the motivation to be organised but if you come live with me of course I will do better , I will make efforts”. The big problem is he doesn’t see mess like I do, he can learn putting dishes into the dish-washer right away, throwing the cartons boxes right into the bin, wiping the cook-top etc but I fear he will never learn to notice the smudges on a mirror, spills over the sink top, the fact that the garbage bin requires cleaning too or dusting tables etc. It infuriates me sometime to realise that I know his kitchen better than he does. We almost everyday sleep together, mostly in my apartment during the weekdays and fridays and saturdays at his as it is convenient for me to go to work from my apartment. And after all these discussions, now he has slowly learnt to do things my way in my apartment.
When I met his family I understood, partly, why he is the way he is because his mum told me she did all the stuff for him. The thing is my mum did all the stuff for me and my two brothers. one of my brothers turned out to be exactly like my boyfriend. But it is not a justification, one should start adult-ing when being an adult.
The thing is I am renting and he has his own place, so I could really do the “trial move-in” before I give up my place (if I were to consider moving-in at all) because I do not want to go through apartment hunting again. Thanks for pointing out this possibility.No one seems the mess the same in the relationship. You have to compromise. We do dishes nightly, not immediately after dinner. Smudges on a mirror to neither of us are a big deal. You can’t expect him to see things the same way you do. But you can lay out ground rules and compromises. Do you use one day every week or every 2 weeks to clean. Like those smudges on the mirror, water on the counter next to the sink, etc.
You need to decide on whether or not you can accept your boyfriend as he is. I can guarantee you he will not change. Can you compromise by say, having a cleaner come in once a week or will seeing dirty dishes in the sink and smudges drive you crazy. I can say I am not even a clean freak but every since I have gone back to work full time and my husband and adults kids are at home I see the smudges on the stove that no one else sees. And it drives me CRAZY. I will most definitely get them to move out for these reasons alone because they seem so disrespectful of our shared space. You have told your boyfriend your concerns. He has done nothing to change but made empty promises. If he was going to change he would change already to prove to you how much he wants you to move it. Don’t be surprised when someone shows you who they are. Either you accept him as he is and you have to clean up all the messes or keep your place and keep your sanity.
@SM and Nikemom
I clean once a week, but if I notice a big smudge/spill on the mirror/sink I tend to clean it right away. I am not a clean freak either, I have weeks where I travel on the weekend or doing some activities after work which leave me no time for cleaning but that is not a normal week for me. And also I actively try to find a slot in my schedule to organise and clean my place which is not how my boyfriend works. I do leave dishes in the sink (but not on the dining table/working space), leave laundry out couple of days even after they have been dried (drying stand is sometimes like a wardrobe for my boyfriend), but my threshold for this is couple of days. I can not accept him the way he is now, I told him I would not compromise on this.Update: This weekend I had a big talk with my boyfriend on this (again), and he asked me to point out what are the top 3 things that needs immediate action in his apartment , so I did, and he put these things in his calendar. He thanked me for my communication, and I told him I would not be doing this all the time. The things I listed would need regular check and he should do it. He said “he knows”, so lets see.
Update: So I will move-in with him in March for a one-month trial, I will still be keeping my apartment during this trial.@potatofries, I am glad the trial move-in suggestion was helpful. Waiting until March after he’s been focused on cleaning for a couple of months is also ideal. My final two cents are that if at the end of March you are not 100% sure that things will continue in a direction you are happy with, that you extend the trial for a couple more months. That first month of cohabitation is a huge adjustment and not nearly enough time to establish new routines. I anticipate it will be a few months before you can really see if changes are permanent. Now, I am in no way comparing your bf to a child who wants something, but at one point my kids wanted a dog and we only had cats. They swore up and down they would do all the work – feeding the dog, walking the dog etc. We made a deal with them that if they did all the care for the cats for three months, then I would believe them and they could get a dog. They were all excited, made plans to divide the work etc. They started out with gusto. It didn’t last. Again, I am not suggesting you treat your bf like a child. It’s just that those kinds of exercises (for all of us) help us distill what we are really open to working for longer term. (FWIW, I did get a dog years later, but only when I was prepared to do the work I’d have to put in.)
Good luck and regardless of how it works out, you are taking smart, responsible steps towards the future you want. That takes courage, good for you!
Dear CanadaGoose,
No worries, I am not offended by your kids’ analogy. And it’s not far from reality of how adults think in many contexts. Thank you for your suggestions, it really does help. I will come back to give an update at the end of March!
Update: He had done the three things I listed which he put in his calendar, all on Monday, I got to his place at 22h30 after my volleyball training to a better looking apartment and a warm dinner. I was grinning from ear to ear.
Cheers to all!
