Younger brothers out of state wedding 3 weeks before wifes due date
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I will add that my daughter’s birth was the greatest day in my life and I’d gladly have missed every wedding including my own for it. But we’re not really talking about trading one for the other. We’re talking about trading one for a small chance of the other.
@tom. My point is you don’t know when the baby will actually come. So you have to operate from a position of opportunity cost. If the cost of attending the wedding is potentially missing the birth then you weigh that against the cost of missing the wedding. You don’t look at what you get – but rather what you could lose.
@Fyodor; he’s backed off but the original ‘isn’t my wife being unreasonable’ raised my hackles. It’s not just the weighing the odds–it’s weighing them against his wife’s comfort and stress level during what is, for good reason, a pretty damn scary time for a pregnant woman. That’s what I meant by the ‘it must be nice’ comment I made. His wife has put her body and yes, her life on the line for this baby. It’s shitty to call her unreasonable for wanting him to stay home.
My daughter was 6 weeks early, and I would have been devastated if my husband hadn’t been there. Also, this isn’t just about weighing the odds of whether she’ll give birth early or not – this is about her comfort and stress level. Pregnancy is hard, child birth is hard, a newborn is hard, and if there is something that you can do to take the burden off of her, wouldn’t you gladly do so? And yes, missing your brother’s wedding is really disappointing and I totally get that – maybe just keep in mind that your wife has been making (and will continue making) sacrifices for you and your future children, and this is your chance to take one for the team (so to speak).
Both of my children were two weeks early. My husband adamantly would not go to his brother’s wedding six weeks before my due date because he wouldn’t have wanted to be away in case of anything.
She has told you, and you know she doesn’t want to go, so I’m not even sure why you are on here…since you said if she doesn’t want you to go, you won’t. Parenthood and partnerjood is very much about sacrifice and responsibility. What if something happens, and your wife and baby’s lives are on the line? And yes, most likely in most scenarios of emergency flying back…you’d miss it.I think your logic is kind of flawed. Sure, it’s a 2.5-hour flight, but how often are they offered? How long would it take you to get a ticket, get to the airport, and still make a flight? What if it’s sold out? Is the cost of an emergency flight in your budget? What if there’s bad weather and it’s delayed or canceled?
But your tone makes you sound sort of like a robot in that you are focused so much on the numbers and logic and aren’t capable of understanding why she might be worried. Most of my friend’s husbands could not have been paid enough to go out of town three weeks before the due date. Surely you understand why a person might have a different left of appreciation for their husband taking them to the hospital and being there during labor than their mom. I don’t even know anyone who likes weddings enough that they’d make such a huge deal out of this. Your wife is putting up with 9 months of pregnancy and pushing a baby out. I think you can stand to miss a wedding.
Tom, I feel very bad for you, because, if you do what the general opinion feels is the right thing and stay home, in all likelihood, while you are missing your brother’s wedding absolutely nothing is going to happen and you’re going to spend the time going to work, getting groceries and watching TV as on an ordinary day. If that happened to me I would feel like shit and I expect you will too. Arranging some sort of video link (not sure how Skype would work – does someone in the front row hold up a laptop?) seems like a good way to be involved in the wedding somehow and partially take part and I hope you do do that.
I am hampered here by a fairly complete lack of knowledge about obstetrics, but I do think that at some point the odds do come into play. Like BGM, I would like to hear from a medical professional. It may be too great a risk at three weeks before the due date, but how long is far enough away? As Firestar mentioned her baby came six weeks early, so is six weeks also too close to risk it? There is a non-zero chance of the baby being born at five months, so should expectant fathers give up all important out of town events for four months prior to the delivery date? For that matter, I believe there is a chance she could go into labour at three months. If that happens the baby probably won’t survive and that would probably be better called a miscarriage. But would not the woman be even more in need of her significant other’s support if she miscarries. Some people would suggest that it is entirely based on how the mother feels and if she is not comfortable with him going, he shouldn’t go, but surely at some point she is being unreasonable.
I am genuinely curious (and I have no idea). How long prior to the delivery date would it be reasonable for a man whose significant other is expecting a baby to leave town for an important event whose timing is out of his control such as his brother’s wedding?
I know what! Let’s get into a long discussion about mathematical odds. I wish an actuary would weigh in!!! Anyone here an actuary?
So, I think too much emphasis is being put on the likelihood and also not enough. You have to balance that with the impact of the consequences. Missing a wedding and no baby comes yet is not equal or worse than missing your child’s birth. I am a little perplexed about why a person would feel that terrible if they stayed home and nothing happened. That’s like getting upset when you pay for health insurance and then don’t get sick. Being an adult is unfortunately sometimes means you have to take precautions for things that may not happen.
At the same time, I think you clearly realize that it’s more likely with 3 weeks to go than it is with 5 months. It becomes more likely the closer it gets to the date…
I guess I’m just not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not go. I had to miss a wedding once because I had just started a job. I lived. The bride and groom lived. Life doesn’t always work out as planned. Seems like this is meant to create resentment for no reason.
@Bacc, with all due respect, most of the women on here are very very aware of exactly what the risks are, and don’t need a medical professional to tell them. The majority of us have had babies, and have had medical professionals tell us the risks. We’ve also experienced them and had mothers, sisters, friends tell us about their experiences. BGM hates women so he probably assumes that we’re all idiots who have no idea, hence his call for a medical professional.
In the end, you’re right that the baby probably won’t come that weekend, and that he’ll sit at home doing nothing. But do you know what will 100%, definitely happen if he goes? His wife will sit at home in a state of anxiety and stress, on top of the physical and emotional stress that she’s already feeling at 37 weeks pregnant. And she’ll feel abandoned, and probably very angry. That’s what he should be weighing. Not the chance of the baby coming vs not coming, but his wife’s peace of mind vs his desire to go to the wedding. She knows that things can go wrong and that there is danger ahead for both her and the baby. She doesn’t want to risk going through that without her husband. That’s pretty reasonable.
Kate, It’s not an issue of mathematics, but rather obstetrics. We all know what the odds would mean but we don’t know what they are. You should have said, “Is anyone here an obstetrician?” but if someone was I would think they would have weighed in by now. But thank you for answering my question without charging for it.
