Updates: “Looking for My Rock” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Looking for My Rock” whose boyfriend had suddenly withdrawn as soon as her divorce was finalized.
After seeing my post and the responses, it was like all my uncertainty just went away. Everything written really hit home and I took all the advice to heart. It was like all my best friends were rooting me on for something better. When I sorted through all the responses, in the end I realized I didn’t have to hide behind my divorce, or Mike, or my uncertainty about what I wanted in life – I just needed to make a decision and do it.
Mike and I had a lot of good talks about us and life and what we really wanted out of a relationship, and we decided that friendship was a better option for us. There were a lot of tears and heartache, but I finally accepted the reality of sleeping alone, going home to no one, and just being by myself. Wendy, your words really helped me settle my mind though – his nice words were just that, nice words. If he wanted more and wanted to be more, he’d act on it.
So while Mike and I distanced ourselves, I went out and explored life. I dropped something like 30-40 lbs with all the activities I had going on! I had a different activity for each night of the week basically! I found a lot of activities that make ME happy and what type of routine I need to feel personally grounded. I tried things that scared the bejesus out of me, but managed to help me find a positive center! Like lead climbing, mountain biking, and sailing…
I realized when I read my post online that my letter was full of fear: I was afraid to be alone; I was afraid of breaking the routine of being with someone; I was afraid of what life would be like as a divorced person ; I was worried about finances; I was worried about how to just keep myself sane. So, being alone? Suck it up, buttercup… gotta love YOURSELF, before anyone else will! Breaking routines? Who needs ’em!? Divorced? I say FABULOUS! Finances? It’s called get a roommate. Keeping myself sane? I COME FIRST, no matter what!
All of a sudden it seemed like everything else fell into place. Literally. Work was better. Friendships were better. I had a sense of myself and worked for a purpose. I took time for myself. I was nice to myself for the first time in a long time.
On the love front, I will say my view on love is MUCH, MUCH different. In my post, one of the things I mentioned was that I had been rock climbing with a friend I thought was really fun. I did keep him at arm’s length, but for some reason he just kept coming back. I was honest with him from the get-go. I told him I liked him but didn’t know what that meant. I was coming out of an abusive marriage and a bad relationship, and I wasn’t looking for a trifecta.
So we became friends and it was all very easy. And then one day, maybe three months ago, we were falling asleep on the couch and he told me he loved me. I don’t feel any sense of pressure to be with or stay with this man, other than when I am with him I am happy. I am fully connected to my life and he is a part of it. Not the other way around. He works to be in my life on a daily basis and treats me as an equal, and I work for him the same way. I do feel a deep sense of connectedness and love for him… something I NEVER had with Mike or my ex-husband.
Regardless of where we end up, or where I end up, I am so thankful for everyone who responded to my letter and gave me advice. You all gave me the courage to make the decisions I needed to make. And now I have someone in my life I am proud to stand next to, and I can’t wait to see what the next chapter holds.
Good for you. Here’s to a happy future.
***************
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Favorite update!
Wendy, updates like this must make you feel so good.
Wow, I think this is one of my favorite updates ever. OP, I’m really glad that things are going well for you. It sounds like you just needed some time to find yourself. And your new guy sounds like a keeper.
LW, this is awesome, and I just want to give you a high five.
I went back and read the original letter. I am assuming “Mike” and “Dan” is the same person?
Haha, yeah, I like the pseudonym switching/dropping.
” I don’t feel any sense of pressure to be with or stay with this man, other than when I am with him I am happy. I am fully connected to my life and he is a part of it. Not the other way around. He works to be in my life on a daily basis and treats me as an equal, and I work for him the same way. I do feel a deep sense of connectedness and love for him… ”
This is beautiful. Makes me realize I haven’t ever really had this feeling. Or when I did have it, it didn’t last long. Oh well, that was a downer! But something to aspire to!
I love this update. LW, you’re an inspiration!
I re-read the original letter and the update, and while I agree this is an inspirational update, it does all seem awful quick. Wendy published the letter and her response in May. So I’ll assume the LW broke up with him in May. Then she says about three months ago, the new guy said “I love you” so that would have been August. So at best, three months were spent solidly single, maybe even less, because the new rock climbing boyfriend has been around since the onset.
But who am I to judge? If the LW is truly happy, then more power to her.
It’s just that this new relationship is just that — new. And it doesn’t seem a whole lot of time was spent being single. But that’s just my observation.
I, uh, yeah. I dunno, she sounds super happy in this update, & I’m genuinely glad that she’s gone out, kept herself busy, attacked life, etc. but then she throws in the “…we were falling asleep on the couch together, and—” & I’m like, wait, WHOA, way to distract us all with that inspirational shit, then slip in Rock Climber Boy right towards the end. haha. (I’m poking fun a bit, sorry LW)
edited to add: And yeah, the Mike/Dan thing confused me, but I assume it’s the same person (saw your thing above, but I don’t wanna follow you all over the page like a weirdo replying to everything you write) (also LW, way to pick names of my serious ex boyfriends as pseudonyms ;))
I don’t think a long time has to go by to be in a healthy mindset. I mean, let’s look at iwanna (in a totally positive you’re-an-inspiration way) – she had very little time between Ethan and Colin and it sure seems like she has a healthy mindset about it all.
Sometimes something just has to click. And that clicking can take days or weeks or years.
(It took me almost two years to realize that if gf and I were having an issue, we had to talk about it before I could dump her for it. TWO YEARS. And now I’m 1000% more at peace in our relationship. Sometimes it’s instantaneous, sometimes it’s not.)
Ditto. I’d probably agree it seems a bit fast if she’d written in a vague update, like many before her, that sounded more in denial than anything else — “Everything’s okay now, I swear! In a totally undefined, non-specific way! My problem just disappeared but thanks anyway!” But unlike those other updaters, she goes into detail about the things she did to find herself, and after a lifetime of putting her needs and interests on the back burner, maybe the biggest thing she needed was just the push to seek it, for her to realize how much inner strength she had.
Booya.
Anyway, I’m not sure that anything HAS to click. I mean for me – if you want to call it “clicking” – I knew that he was fucked up, and caused us to have a fucked up relationship, and did specific things that I am not okay with, so we broke up. I don’t get what else is supposed to click. People ask me all the time (fine like two people have asked me lately) about my divorce and I always feel bad like they’re expecting me to have this big dramatic story and a big dramatic break through where I feel all the things and have life epiphanies, but suffice it to say I am not waiting for that day. I don’t know maybe I’m doing it wrong. I just feel like he did what he did and I reacted to him doing what he did and then end of discussion. You just move on. I don’t know. Maybe I’m missing something.
yea, i also agree that there is no pre-determined “acceptable” amount of time.
for instance: my first long term boyfriend, it took me like 2 years to get past and get into a healthy mindset. my second, i cant hardly remember. like the whole thing is hardly a “thing” in my life anymore. and i started dating jake then too, kind of sampson-esque.
it just all depends.
I agree with you. I think most people need time and space. When I got together with my most recent ex, it was two months after I had broken up with my long term boyfriend. He made me happy, I was fulfilled, and it felt SO DIFFERENT (in a good way) than it had with the long term guy. But…there were some pretty big issues, and I was in the honeymoon period so I didn’t see them. Not to mention I was so thrilled that someone wanted to be with me! Not saying that the LW has issues with this rock climbing guy, but the whole couch “I love you” thing didn’t sit right with me. Did he just say “I love you” with no dating at all? That’s sure what it sounds like, and that’s not exactly the smartest thing…
I’m not trying to judge the LW, but I definitely see your point TECH.
Any relationship is going to have the honeymoon period, whether the relationship is a week after a breakup or ten years later.
Yeah, I mean, every relationship I’ve ever had is good in the first 3 months, and then it turns into something else. I know, I am such a downer. I want to be happy for this LW. But at the same time, I’m like, “Ok, you’re just out of your post-divorce rebound relationship, and now you’re in love again.”
I will shut up now. I’m happy for her if she’s happy.
Well…to be picky- she said she felt love for him, and that he said “I love you”. I do think there is a big distinction in those two emotions/things. I got a feeling she was still proceeding with caution in terms of her emotions.
eh, thats pretty much how jake and i got together, actually.
Great advice on how to be single and happy! I honestly believe you need to get yourself into this place of acceptance ALONE before you can let love in.
Bravo! Bravo!
Awesome update LW, made me smile and be happy for an internet stranger…
This is my favorite update ever! Way to go girl!!!