Updates: “Married to a 16-Year-Old” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Married to a 16-Year-Old” who wrote last week about being sick of her husband acting like a 16-year-old the one day each week he spent his day off with his childhood best friend. Keep reading to see how they’ve resolved things (for now, at least).
I have two side notes as well: I have come to realize that the commenters are EXTREMELY judgmental. I wrote my letter when I was pissed off still at my husband, and that clearly was projected in my letter. I promise I am not a nag or anything like that, I just like having a nice home and appreciate when my husband pitches in..that doesn’t make me a “control freak” or a “bitch” as the commenters were quick to let me know! Also, after the letter got published, I went and confessed to my husband that I wrote your column because I realized that I came off as a total bitch in my letter. He asked what your advice was. I told him I got put on blast and put in check by both you and everyone else. He literally started cracking up and said, “Well, sometimes you just have to hear it from someone other than me.” He took it really well and has laughed it off!
One last note…I have been actively trying to find T a woman…but it’s hard to pitch to a sane woman a guy who is still living at home at 32 and who has no job and no car. That said, I am still working on it
Thanks for the update! Those sound like good solutions to your problem.
***************
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.
I’m really sad I didn’t comment on this letter but I remember thinking the LW really hated the friend.
As far as commenters being judgmental – I’m confused about that since you mention about 3 times in your update that you were pissed off when you wrote it. It sounds more like you gave an emotionally charged version of the events and the comments reflected that – I’m not sure how that is them being judgmental. We can only comment on the way you describe the situation. I dare you to go reread your letter and think you didn’t come off as a crazy nag.
This times a gazillion.
Crazy nag indeed. And that’s putting it mildly… 😉
Hey! IIRC I actually was on your side. So not EVERYONE here is judgmental (about that, IWTTS is right, we can only go by what we read how are we supposed to know if you´re pissed or not when writing?)
LW, when your original letter opened with “My husband’s best friend whom he has known his entire life drives me insane” (that’s a direct copy & paste from your letter) – you can’t blame the commenters for their responses. There’s a big difference between the tones of your original letter & your update. I’m glad you & your husband seem to have sorted things out.
If you don’t want to be judged, then don’t write to an advice columnist who publishes letters on the internet. Ask a friend for advice instead.
I’m proud to give this my first “WKCS” 🙂
I’m confused. She first seems angry that people called her a bitch, then admits that she came off as a total bitch in her letter. Which is it?
So I didn’t end up commenting on this one but can I just say LOL to this LW. I have a theory that the closer an LW writes an update to her(or his) original letter, the more they feel like doubling down on their side of the issue without really learning from what other parties have to say.
I have a feeling this LW wrote in expecting a lot of “His friend is the worst, you go girl!” to justify her actions and she’s pissed she didn’t get that. Lol. Lol. Lol. I’m glad to see she realized she “came off as a total bitch in my letter” (yet blasted commenters for telling her the same thing) but the thing she has to realize is the Dear Wendy crowd is not judgmental. We’re objective. If the LW wants the opinion of a biased crowd that would side with her no matter what, then I do not know why she came here.
I totally agree with you, but the community CAN be very judgmental at times. Not frequently, but often enough where I feel a bit bad for LWs sometimes. And I admit, I can get awfully sarcastic on here. I didn’t comment on the original letter, but I remember thinking it sounded emotionally charged mainly because there were a bunch of half-explanations: the dog destroying things, the candle “incident,” the fact her husband could ONLY mow the grass one day EVER…
In this case, I think a judgmental peanut gallery was completely warranted and the fact that she’s whining about it (even after she acknowledged that she wrote in a way that would illicit such a reaction- weird) is obnoxious and just drives that point home.
I guess all I’m saying is she’s not wrong about the comments getting judgmental, but generally it’s warranted by what the LW writes.
I guess the reason I feel like we can’t be judgmental here because we’re not a hive mind. We each have our own experiences that go into how we comment. We almost never entirely agree, but when the majority does, it is certainly something to take notice of.
But definitely, things can get charged in here. Which is good in some ways, because I like that we all have a stake in other people’s lives. I almost wrote “stake” like “steak”. God I’m hungry.
I like your theory. We should make a graph.
She also says that her husband agrees with our comments. So, she was angry when she wrote the letter (and from husband’s comment must be frequently angry) and agrees she came off as a bitch in the letter, yet we were overly judgmental toward her? And, despite her protestations, she really doesn’t like hubby’s friend — at all. She trying to find a gf for him, but thinks it impossible because he’s a total loser, to paraphrase what she said.
Also, despite her revision of reality, if she really put her shoes away in a closet and closed the closet door, there is no way the puppy can get at them. The commenters gave LW a lot of practical solutions as well as the criticism. She appears unwilling to consider any of the advice.
Depends on the dog. Mine can actually open doors. He slides open the balcony door when he wants to go outside, opens the closet door when he wants something in there… Puppies can be very resourceful.
My FERRET used to be able to open up closet doors. I imagine a wily puppy could do much more damage than a teeny tiny ferret.
I just went back and reread the comments and she must have really selectively read them because the vast majority of the commenters didn’t seem harsh at all. I’m really dissapointed (in her perception not in the commentors) that the commentors came off that way to you LW becuase that is so far from the truth
Seriously, this x1000. In seventy-two comments the closest anyone came to calling her a bitch was:
“Maybe T has some psychological or health issues that is behind this lifestyle (in which case the LW is being kind of a bitch) but it mostly sounds like the guy is kind of a loser and A is enabling him.. ”
One person (bgm) said “The LW sounds like a real nag”, and a grand total of two people called her a control freak.
Oh, the horror! You meanies!
And everyone KNOWS that BGM will say that. Was anyone shocked by his response?
Hey, I was lead to believe that BGM was nothing but sunshine and rainbows and sparkles. Are you telling me that I’m wrong? This changes my whole world view! 🙂
Actually, where is BGM? Haven’t seen him around lately
He seems like he’s working a whole lot (he mentioned having to work two different projects one right after the other), and it also feels like he might be having a bit of a hard time right now.
I hope he comes back soon!
I’m sorry, but “don’t write of you don’t want to be judged” is a terrible thing to say. People write for ADVICE. If you can’t give advice, constructively, perhaps you should go to reddit or 4 chan. This site is, or was, based on the foundation of giving advice. If you don’t believe that, then perhaps you should follow the golden rule and treat people how you want to be treated.
People write to WENDY for advice. When you type a reply here, it doesn’t say “Leave a piece of advice”; it says “Leave a comment.” Sorry, but before you write an advice columnist, common sense says you, you know, READ some of the advice he or she has given in the past. It’s not like the DW community’s reactions to things are some big state secret; if you read more than one letter here, it becomes clear that you’re going to get pretty much that kind of response when you write a letter like the one that the LW wrote.
Seriously, doesn’t anyone else get tired of seeing the same point over and over again? Can we make some kind of sticky at the top of the main page saying “If you send a letter in, you may get criticized?” I mean, the LW bitched and moaned about her husband and his friend, took absolutely no blame upon herself for things she could have done differently, and sounded to me like she was looking for people to pat her on the back. If you use a bitchy tone and your attacks come across as unjustified, news flash: people are going to think you’re bitchy. If what you want is validation, write in to a VALIDATION column, not an ADVICE column.
I would love to see a validation column. It would be an amazing Tumblr.
Q:
Dear Validationator,
I’m sleeping with my best friend’s husband, but she borrowed my favorite tupperware set last February and she still hasn’t given them back. I know she’s using them because I saw them in her refrigerator when she was out of town last week! I can’t believe her. Should I just take my tupperware back the next time I go over to sleep with her husband?
Tupperware Luvah
A:
Dear Tupperware Luvah,
Your friend is a thief! She deserves to be treated like one. Go get your Tupperware AND your freak on next time she’s away.
xoxoxo
The Validationator
You know who I love right now? You, Tara, for taking my sarcastic idea and running with it. You may just have made my afternoon 🙂
Anytime! Sarcasm is kinda my thing. Heh.
Haha! Too funny.
Dear Validationer,
My boyfriend is being such a jackass! He skipped my birthday dinner and didn’t even get me a gift, even when I told him it was important to me. He often texts and talks to other girls online, especially on those sites where women “cam” for him (whatever that means lol). I know that he loves me, and I love him so much. In fact, I’m pregnant with his baby! What should I do?
Desperately Seeking Love
Dear DSL,
Your boyfriend needs you now more than ever! He sounds like a good guy who is just a little confused about what he wants. I’m sure if you are patient and kind and loving, you’ll be able to convince him that you are exactly what he wants (and needs!). Once you have a baby together, I think things will straighten out and you’ll be surprised at how loving and kind he becomes. Also, he might need to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you!
The Validationer
This seriously needs to be a new column! Seriously!
lolololololololololol
In this case, I gave advice constructively. I told her to puppy proof her house. And please find any example on this site where I called someone a bitch. Because you won’t. I’m of the opinion that if you put your life, or your problem, on the internet and throw it out into the world you should expect to be judged. Just a little. And frankly, I think the majority of the readers on this site are fair and non-judgmental most of the time. But occasionally there is a letter that pushes a button with one of us and really sets things into motion.
I think °judgment° is a little strong here, in the sense that if you write in, you should expect commenters to take into account the fact that relationships take two people. If you’re writing in about what a pain your (whoever) is — we as commenters (those who are responsible, anyway) are going to try to consider both sides of the issue. Obviously, we have only one side of the problem, so we have to read between the lines to see how LW might be contributing to the situation as well. If the LW is not prepared to hear our perspective of he or she might be contributing, then really he/she is not interested in advice — he or she is interested in validation. Sorry, we are not a shop for venting where we all say, “Yup, he’s a real pain, you’re right, and you have every right to be pissed.” Advice means understanding that the only person you can change is yourself. Do we change those parts of ourselves that are already perfect? Um, no. So those parts that you can change may not be those parts of your personality of which you are most proud…so it could feel “mean” or “judgmental” when commenters point those out.
Yes, there are times that the comments get a bit rowdy. In general, though, the DW site is one of the most civil I’ve come across. And the most articulate. In sum: if you write in for advice, expect that YOU will have to change something about YOURSELF or your situation. This is not the opportunity for people to pat you on the back and say you’re perfect the way you are.
I hope that when your turn comes you get the response you give. There’s a difference between giving an opinion and being judgemental. If I went to a therapist and was judged instead of given advice or critisims (yes, I expect to be told that what I did was not right and maybe given some tough love) but it should overall be a judgement free. If its really a community, why is there judgement. If you’re having a bad day and want to bitch off to someone, is a place where others go for help really the right place to do that?
It sounds like you’re going a whole pile of projecting. Did you even read the original letter and the comments?
going = doing
If you’re having a bad day and want to bitch off to someone, is a place where others go for help really the right place to do that?
Perhaps that’s a question you should direct to the LW.
well this is an advice column on the internet, not your therapist’s office. and if you’re having a bad day and want to bitch to someone, call a friend and do it. don’t write in to an advice column and get mad at the advice. if you write a letter when you’re, ‘pissed off still at my husband, and that clearly was projected in my letter.’ And while your therapist might not be as blunt as people on the internet, they will still talk to you about what part you play in the current situation. not everyone who comments was mean, but rather responding to the tone of the letter.
also like GuyFriday said this is the comments section not here give more advice. if the LW wanted to she could have stopped at Wendy’s ADVICE and not read the commenter’s perspective. personally i think any LW who does that is doing themselves a disservice because we all need to think about perspectives other than our own from time to time.
this should say, if you write a letter when you’re, ‘pissed off still at my husband, and that clearly was projected in my letter.’ expect readers to pick up on that.
If you check out past letters, the community USUALLY gives advice. Wendy could consider changing the “Leave a Comment” directive to “What do you think?” directive — but, guys, does it not feel a bit petty to parse the “instructions” to the commenters? Could not “Leave a Comment” also mean “Let the LW know your thoughts”? It does not clearly say, “This space is for your comments on Wendy’s advice only. Do not even THINK about commenting on the letter itself, sharing your experience, or giving advice.” Besides which, if the LW is truly asking for advice, is one person better or many?
For those who are jumping on the judgment bandwagon, I encourage you to go back and read the responses. Frankly, ALL advice requires judgment: we need to judge what is going on in the situation, and how this plays into our own experience. Since when did judgment become a dirty word? It does NOT mean condemnation out of hand; it used to be that judges were respected for their … judgment! Unkindness, jumping to conclusions? Worthy of criticism, I would agree. But for those who are condemning the commenters for being “judgmental” and harsh? In my opinion, it seems as though you’re jumping to the LW’s defense (even though she says herself that the comments were justified) in order to feel as though you’re protecting someone against the cruel world. Whoops! There I go being judgmental!
Let’s try this another way: does it not strike you as odd that the LW says in one breath that the commenters jumped to the wrong conclusion about her, while in the next saying that she was being hard on her boyfriend, and that he agreed that she was overly critical (in a fairly … um… passive way — possibly to avoid the fallout?)?
As said before, the commenters can occasionally become unkind. In my opinion, it didn’t happen here; if you think that the commenters were unwarrantedly harsh, maybe you should have called them out on it at the time? Or posted specifics on things you thought went beyond the pale? Decrying the “judgment” of a whole host of interested, concerned people seems to perpetuate the issue that you’re complaining about…
i think i agreed with you in my statement or i was trying to?
Read an above reply where someone says they do judge. I’m not saying you did and are, but being mean and judgemental is not why people should respond.
Bookworm, please learn the difference between judging and being unnecessarily judgmental. Judging shows discernment and intelligence, and you do it every day. You judge that it is better to show up for work dressed rather than in your pajamas. You judge that your child’s behavior could be improved and judge which way would be best to gain the desired improvement. You judge whether running or swimming is a better exercise.
When we are given partial information, we must judge to the best of our abilities what is actually going on. If not, we can only become a validation site — à la TaraMonster.
Also why do some people get so defensive (ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE ANONYMOUS). I get it I was an LW and I got told a lot of things about myself that stung a little. But 90% of them were true so I worked on it and the other 10% I just shrugged off.
I don’t really like most of these updates. I mean, I do, but I don’t. I think this is similar to telling your friend about what an awful person your boyfriend is and then getting upset when she doesn’t like him. I know some people who comment are harsh, and I’m sorry the LW thinks everyone is so judgmental. But geez, if you write in to an advice columnist in a complete rage, one of two things is going to happen — 1) People will think you’re scary and a crazy person or 2) People will think the person you are bitching about is awful. If you want “accurate” advice or responses, then you’ve got to describe the situation accurately (not blown out of proportion or leaving out “key” facts).
I had a friend that did this to me once. She called me sobbing when she was thinking about dumping a BF (I had never met him) and told me all about how he was cheating on her and treating her horribly. I offered her my support and told her she should dump him if she was so miserable. Lo and behold a few weeks later she reconciled with him and I became the bad guy because she told him that I was the reason she decided to dump him. Needless to say, that friendship ended.
I share everyone’s confusion– I mean, did we help you check yourself, or were we super mean & judgmental? Or maybe there’s no contradiction? We were so bitchy that it helped you re-assess the situation? (For the record, I looked back at the letter as well, & I don’t think there was anything overly harsh in the comment section)
Either way, I am glad that you & your husband were able to laugh it off, and that you’ve come up with a solution for lessening your anger over the situation.
This update is a lot like the original letter. Some of the shit she wrote just doesn’t make any sense!
You take that back! Give her constructive advise on how to write a letter, or don’t say anything at all!
Lets play this situation out in a different scenario. You’re a political science professor and your assign your students a term paper to be based on only the articles you read in class. Lets say you decided to only read articles from fox news in class. Would it be fair of you to lambast your students for writing shitty term papers that don’t show two sides of any issue when the only material they were allowed to work with was one sided? No, it wouldn’t be. We can only comment and respond to the material you provide us. If you send us an emotionally charged letter, thats what we’re going to base our comments on.
Beautifully said.
Dear LW, When I was young, I had a very smart and sarcastic mouth. It caused me a lot of trouble, led to a lot of hurt feelings, and landed me in many situations where I was misunderstood. Finally, my grandmother told me something after yet another instance where my mouth got me in trouble that helped me change: “Baby, it ain’t what you say that’s the problem, it’s how you say it.”
If you ask for advice, then get offended when people call you on your tone, then it ain’t what you say, it’s how you say it. If you tell your husband about the response to your letter, and he replies, “Well, sometimes you just have to hear it from someone other than me,” then that’s his way of telling you the same thing. If you realize you came off like “a total bitch” in your letter, then bitch at the commentors for helping you realize how you came across, then you need to hear it again.
It ain’t what you say, LW. It’s how you say it. Now are you willing to work on how you say what you say? Because how you say it is how you mean it. And right now it sounds like you’re saying you aren’t a total bitch, but you want to continue to behave like it.
That can’t be right, can it?
Your Grandma is awesome.
Thank you. She would’ve been 98 on the 2nd of this month. I miss her, but man, am I thankful I had her in my life for 24 years.
You’re welcome. That is a good amount of time with what sounds like a pretty cool lady.
I wish I could upvote this post more than once.
WTS!
Just perfect.
Tracey, you are so wise… You always have such great things to say, and such a great way of saying them! I always look forward to your take on things!
Ugh I was turned off by all the “hubbies.” On the count of 3, let’s all stop using “hubby” (and “wifey”), ok? 1, 2, 3… Ahh, feels so much better. Only maybe if Michelle starts calling Barack “hubby” then we can revisit whether we should let “hubby” back in, k?
Hubby is the stupidest word ever. Also when women refer to themselves as a “mommy” in social situations. Like talk about themselves in the 3rd person as mommy.
I’m also confused by the mommy in the third person. Children understand pronouns. Like “she bit me!”, they can say that. So why wouldn’t they understand “I need a drink” instead of “mommy needs a drink”
There are mommies who do that? Barf.
What about when I call myself Mommy while talking to my cat? That’s acceptable, right? right??? 🙂
I sure hope so, because I think it’s hilarious when I “mom” my cats. That doesn’t say much about my sense of humor, huh?
Mommy and Daddy are even worse in sexual situations. I have a friend (with no children!!) who refers to her BF as Daddy. Sigh**
I have, on rare occasions, referred to myself as “wifey” to my husband. But only because it is his most hated word and I like to make him feel uncomfortable.
That is a perfectly acceptable use of “wifey” – good job!
NOTE TO ALL FUTURE LWs: Proofread your letter before you send it to Wendy! Why would you not read your letter before emailing it? I read even the simplest emails two, three sometimes four times just to make certain that the tone of what I wrote is exactly what I want to convey. So, it makes ZERO sense to me that if you write a letter in which you sound like a nag, you would have the expectation that you would not be called a nag by the commenters. READ YOUR FUCKING LETTER.
I think some of this is just the nature of the beast. I don’t think people generally send letters to advice columnists when they are in a good place. I have sat down several times to write in to Dear Wendy. By the end of each letter (which is usually emotional and not entirely logical), I have calmed down and worked through my thoughts and hence never end up actually sending the e-mail. But had I actually pressed “send” and Wendy had posted my letter, I probably would have sounded pretty ridiculous and been lambasted by the community. The letters are kind of like an unflattering snapshot of the person.
Well duh, of course we’re extremely judgmental. We only have a letter to go off of, and we’re going to be brutally honest with you… especially if you’re coming off in a not-so-pretty light.
We all need reality checks.
I will agree with you that we can _sometimes_ be harsh here. I don’t remember the specifics of the comments on your letter (and I’m too lazy to look them up), but your update really doesn’t make sense. You point out your own issues here but you’re upset that other people did that too? I’m almost always telling people they should be nicer to the LWs, but it sounds like you recognize you were being extreme but you’re still upset that other people thought that. Makes no sense. So you’re trying to get the commenters a kick in the pants, but even one of the softest commenters here isn’t agreeing with you about it. Maybe it’s time to think this over, LW.
So, basically, the LW wrote in asking if her anger at her husband was justified or if she was just being a bitch. Some DW commentators very nicely said: you’re just being a bitch. LW’s husband said in a roundabout way: you’re being a bitch. What LW takes away from it: you guys are so mean to me and you have it all wrong.
Face. Palm.
On the one hand, I think it’s really important for emotionally healthy, balanced people to be able to tell the difference between constructive criticism that applies to them, and baseless projections that should be ignored. If anonymous internet commenting gets too much in your head, you have some insecurity to work through.
On the other hand, I do think that the comments here can reflect too much projection sometimes. And I think it would do us all well to remember that part of the context of any given letter is that the writer is possibly upset when writing it, or just plain doesn’t communicate very eloquently in writing in general. It bothers me when a letter writer’s word choices get picked apart too much because I don’t feel that everyone expresses themselves most clearly in writing, and I think that reading too much into semantics can be problematic. Also, Wendy (understandably) edits some letters. I think it’s usually ok to give the letter writer the benefit of the doubt, if for no other reason than they are more likely to listen to your advice.
So yeah, don’t write in (or comment on the internet) if you can’t stomach some criticism, but don’t use anonymity to blast people or project your life onto them.
Wow, and here I thought she sounded like a bitchy nag in the first letter… Her response here more than seals the deal on that opinion… Yikes. Look, nobody who knows that they are truly in the right ever needs to be THAT defensive…
Awww. I feel bad for this LW. She wrote the original letter in an emotionally charged state, then probably went back and read the comments after she’d calmed down, and was turned off both by her initial letter and by the comments that intense initial letter got.
I say kudos to her for admitting she learned a lesson! How many people EVER do that? Seriously … not many.
Dear Married-to-a-16-year-old,
Puppies are trouble. Husbands are trouble. Husbands’ lifelong best friends who don’t drive and live at home are trouble. Oh, and commenters are trouble in addition to being horribly judgmental and rude. But I understand that you wrote that section when you were horribly pissed off at the commenters, which means you secretly think they are rays of sunshine. All is forgiven.
Signed,
The Validationer
P.S. You are not a horrible, bitchy nag. You are simply someone who repeatedly reminds others so that they don’t forget while using a decidedly unsmiling demeanor and a high-pitched voice. It’s easier to remember a high-pitched voice, after all.
Someone had to take the idea and run with it.
Signed,
The Validationer
Hey LW I still feel for you. No there’s nothing wrong with doing some chill time on your day off, and there’s not a thing wrong with taking one of those days off once in a while to Do Nothing, but not all the time. I like how everyone glossed over how your husband puts shit off to do on his day off and then it never gets done. It gets OLD being the only one around the house to do jack :-/. I was appalled by the commenters who were all “well so if he doesn’t do the dishes then can’t he in the morning?” NO. We’re not in a frat house people. This is real grownup life. You do your chores BEFORE you go play. You wash your dishes BEFORE Bed. Preferably right after the meal. Da hell.