Updates: “Not My Mother’s Keeper” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from Not My Mother’s Keeper who was feeling pressured by some family members to invite her estranged mother, who physically and emotionally abused her growing up, to her upcoming wedding. “They are worried […] that she may commit suicide if not invited. Also, they believe I will regret not inviting her. Keep reading to see whether she invited her mother or not and if she regrets her decision.

It’s been over a year since I wrote and I hope it’s not too late for an update. Thank you for your great and insightful advice. The comments were also incredibly helpful. They helped me solidify my position confidently. I did not include my mother on the guest list. When I emailed her why she wouldn’t be invited, I explained that I hoped we could use this opportunity to begin positive communication and use a psychologist as a guide to begin building a relationship. Unfortunately, she felt she had done all the work necessary to be a part of my life and was irate to not be invited to the wedding.

Twenty-four hours and 10 character-assassinating, nasty emails later, I knew I had made the correct decision in not inviting her. I didn’t respond to her emails nor have we talked since. The wedding was drama-free and it was a 70-degree and sunny December 21st wedding. My husband wrote the most beautiful vows that made everyone weep. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful loving people in my life. And when I see my mom at my sister’s upcoming wedding, I will smile and be joyful and hope for the best for my whole family. I hope they can create and find the stable love that I have been so lucky to find, work hard at, and enjoy.
Sincerely,
Not My Mother’s Keeper

What a great update. Congratulations on the marriage! I’m so glad you were able to have the drama-free wedding you wanted and that you have arrived at a place of peaceful acceptance of your mother’s clear limitations and don’t let them or her ruin your happiness. Best wishes to you.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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7 Comments

Congrat’s! What a nice update! Best wishes to you!

Wonderful update! Thank you!

As I posted back when your letter appeared, if you choose to have children, you will be facing similar challenges every major holiday (if not even more often).

Congratulations! Sounds like you made the right choice for yourself!

This might be my favorite LW of all time!

I’m so happy that everything worked out for you (aside from the nasty emails from your mom). You’re doing the right thing, and you’re handling the situation with class and dignity. Best of luck in the future!

Breezy AM says:

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In a way, the emails are kind of good, because they served as proof of the intelligence of LW’s decision. Now she’ll never ever wonder or doubt THAT choice! 🙂

Reply

So happy for you LW!

Congratulations, and keep up the good work by associating with positive people. You may never resolve your relationship with your mom. Obviously she isn’t ready to address herself and she may never do it. It’s a factor in your life that you can do without. I speak from experience.