Dear Wendy
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OOH, we are going to Japan next April! We’ve been talking about it for years and are finally making it happen. I also lived there as a kid and it’s been over 35 years since I’ve been back. I’m so excited!
I love the nytimes recipes. Anything I’ve made with a 5-star rating has deserved the rating. I’m making one tonight that is a hit in my family and so easy (and healthy): Turmeric-Black Pepper Chicken With Asparagus.
For light and healthy recipes that take great, I love the How Sweet Eats: https://www.howsweeteats.com
Every recipe I’ve tried is a winner.I love the aforementioned Love and Lemons too.
From the LW:
“Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I feel like a terrible person being so distant while he appears to be trying so hard and I feel so crazy because he is in fact very logical and I don’t wish to cause trauma. I will keep you posted.”
Echoing Kate and Golfer Gal here to say that you MUST get out of this situation and you MUST enlist the help of people you trust – your closest support system – plus the help of an attorney. Please do spend some time on thehotline.org where you can find people who are trained to help women in situations like yours. They will have the advice you need and will be able to help you devise a plan. Do this when your husband isn’t around and don’t tell him what you are up to. It’s dangerous to let him know.
You can do this! There’s a whole life ahead of you free from the emotional abuse and the manipulation you’ve been enduring all this time.
I agree with what others are saying. Three months is too early to feel this kind of frustration in a relationship. It’s also too early to “make” a partner do things, like block someone. I have been married for almost 15 years and I don’t “make” my spouse do things. I ask and suggest – sometimes strongly – but I would never enforce my will on my spouse. It’s not a great sign that you are behaving in this controlling manner at all, let alone so early. And it’s not a good sign that your partner feels they can’t or don’t know how to open up to you. This isn’t your partner’s problem as you suggest here. This is an issue between the two of you and you are as much a part of the problem as you need to be in finding a solution. I don’t know that I’d put in much effort for a 3-month relationship that already has such a big problem, but if you aren’t ready to walk away, I think you could apologize for being controlling and ask your partner how they’re feeling and how you can be supportive. and then just listen. Don’t interject with your own thoughts or try to defend yourself. Just listen. And when your partner is done talking, THEN you can share your thoughts. This is just a starting point. If you aren’t able to even accomplish quiet listening to start, then I would advise ending this relationship before there’s more drama.
Thanks, Copa. Drew is well on his way to a full recovery (yay!) and I think I’ve managed to take good care of myself while holding down the fort during Drew’s convalescence. Fortunately, the kids at 8 and 12 are a lot more independent than they’d have been if this happened a few years ago, so that helps!
I echo Ange and Anonymousse and think you rushed into this marriage without truly knowing your husband and what you were signing up for with him and his family. It’s not normal or healthy to have regular knock-out-drag-out fights with your spouse in general, let alone in the newlywed stage. PLEASE do not bring children into this. You two are not functioning healthy as a married couple WITHOUT kids, and they are not known to make things *easier* and less stressful on a marriage.
I think you should consider a trial separation with your husband while you clear your head and get some perspective. If you can afford it, therapy would be a great option for you to help process this experience and figure out a plan forward that best supports your well-being.
This is too big of a red flag to ignore. He is sexist, disrespectful, and gaslight-y. You should break up with him. But you should also be proud of yourself for recognizing a red flag and letting it guide you out of what could potentially be an unsatisfying and painful path if you stayed with your boyfriend.
I’m curious what the “healthy masculinity” pages are that he follows. In general though, this sounds like a yellow flag. Proceed, but with caution.
I agree with everything Tui says, especially this part: if you’ve been living with your mother rent-free in exchange to helping with maintenance and upkeep, then your brother (and possible your mother) probably already consider that a fair exchange with nothing owed to you to balance the mutual benefits.
Have you two even met in person? Everything you’ve said about your relationship is among the hallmarks of a really unhealthy and potentially dangerous dynamic. The controlling behavior is not a sign of love; it’s the sign of someone who is deeply troubled and flawed and not at all good boyfriend material let along husband material.
There is no salvaging a relationship with someone who would demand you tell him every time you leave your house and with whom you’re going out. There’s no relationship if there is no trust and there’s no relationship if you’ve never actually met in person and there’s no relationship with someone who wants to possess you – who sees you as an object and ignores your humanity. I would urge you to block this person, move on with your life, and avoid starting relationships with anyone you haven’t had the chance to spend quality in-person time with.
I didn’t get all the way through this letter. I got everything I needed by your second paragraph where you write: “The relationship has been all bad from the start.” I skimmed the sixteen or so paragraphs after that and everything I read affirmed that this is a terrible relationship. You said you know you need to leave your boyfriend. I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for. HOW to leave him? How to deal with hard things? How to do something that’s hard without it feeling bad?
I mean, the truth is, sometimes things are hard and they suck and you feel bad for a while. That doesn’t mean you should avoid doing the hard thing. You do it anyway and accept that you’re going to feel sad or lonely or resentful or whatever for a little bit. It won’t kill you. You can do something each day that will help you feel a little less sad or lonely, like make plans with friends, move your body, get out in nature, eat nourishing foods, read something enjoyable, watch a favorite movie, the list is endless, really. Do something every day to help you feel a little better and in time – a couple months, maybe, by the first signs of spring – you will start feeling better without the outside stimuli and prompts.
Eventually, the bad feelings will be in the past and you will thank yourself for getting out of a sad, lonely relationship that left you feeling resentful and upset so that you could open your self to activities and people who have the opposite effect on you. There’s no secret tip or advice for speeding through the period you have to get through to get there. You just put one foot in front of the other until you’re on the other side. It’s the same thing that will get you through all the hard stuff you’ll be faced with in life. One foot in front of the other, you can do it.
