Dear Wendy
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I think it’s time to leave. What you are describing is abusive behavior and your partner has refused to get any professional help. I don’t know what the point of an ultimatum would be. It would just be buying him time to hurt you again, and maybe worse than he has before. It also gives him time to screw you over, financially and emotionally, before you leave. He doesn’t need fair warning here. You need to do everything you can to protect yourself while making plans to get out immediately. You need to talk to a lawyer and enlist the support/ help of the support network you are lucky to have in place there.
The bottom line is that you don’t trust this man, and so you give him as few opportunities as possible to cause more pain for you.
This is not a healthy dynamic you’ve got with this guy. He doesn’t really respect you and he doesn’t treat you how a person should treat a friend. He wants something from you – it’s a transactional relationship (except, what are you really getting out of it?). I’d block this guy and move on. You don’t owe him birthday greetings or closure or a call once a year because of some weird suggestion on his part. Just block and move on.
I don’t think her signals have been mixed at all. She was pretty clear in telling you she didn’t have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship and that it felt uncomfortable getting so close with someone. You can love someone – as she says she loves you – and not be ready for a relationship, just as she has said is the case. There’s nothing confusing about this; YOU are making it confusing because you don’t understand how someone could be in love and not want a relationship. But your POV and your feelings are just that – they are YOURS, not hers.
Your ex has a different perspective, and the status of your breakup isn’t really contingent on your understanding or appreciating her perspective. You being confused here, when her message was actually pretty clear, doesn’t mean your ex is confused and it doesn’t mean that she actually wants to be back with you.
For you own sake, you need to accept that this relationship is over and you need to move on. If you two ever do get back together, it isn’t going to be right on the heels of your breakup – it’s going to be after time and soul-searching (on her part). You don’t do yourself any favors by waiting around for this to happen when your ex has repeatedly said she doesn’t want a relationship, she’s afraid of being too close with anyone, and she doesn’t expect you to wait for her.
I agree with Kate here. Your mom insisting on inviting Sharon is weird, no doubt, and maybe she will go behind your back and find her address and invite her against your wishes and that’ll be awkward but, as Kate says, Sharon will either decide to come or not. In the end, if this is the biggest issue with the baby shower, it’s not that big of a deal and you’re getting off lucky.
Traditionally, grandmothers-to-be aren’t even supposed to host baby showers. They’re meant to be thrown by close friends, aunts, or even co-workers. So, if you wanted to go by “rules” of etiquette, you’d have had a great excuse for your mom not to host your baby shower. And if you didn’t have anyone else to host it, you could also wait until the baby was born and host a “sip-and-see” where guests are invited to come see the new baby (and typically bring a gift). This would’ve been a great way to avoid your narcissistic mother being in charge while also celebrating this time in your life and your new baby and seeing people you care about.
Anyway, I point all of this out not to shame or blame you but to maybe underscore that you have easy ways of avoiding potential conflict with your mother that you aren’t using, and going forward, maybe it would benefit you to pursue the paths of least resistance with her. That doesn’t mean you have to go no or low-contact with your mom, but creating better boundaries will help protect your energy, and you’re going to need your energy as you transition into motherhood yourself.
Ha – I love that.
Drew also likes to tell story of the time we ended up in a small town in China where locals literally chased us down the street because they’d never seen westerners before and wanted to take photos and practice their English. We felt like celebrities for the day.
Thanks, Copa!
Are you getting a 2-week JR rail pass or 1-week? We are going for two weeks as well and I read that a one-week pass would be enough if we times our commuting just right but it seems like it would be better if we got a 2-week pass (even though it’s so pricey!).
I’ve read to expect enormous crowds in all the touristy spots, so there’s that.
My family lived in Japan in the 70s and 80s and my dad is 6’4″, my mom is 6′ and my sister and I have red hair, so we were quite the sight.
Copa, I’d be interested in whatever tips you have an want to share (either now or after you return). We haven’t booked anything yet, but know how our dates and roughly where we want to visit (the usual first-time travel spots, like Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka, for sure).
OOH, we are going to Japan next April! We’ve been talking about it for years and are finally making it happen. I also lived there as a kid and it’s been over 35 years since I’ve been back. I’m so excited!
I love the nytimes recipes. Anything I’ve made with a 5-star rating has deserved the rating. I’m making one tonight that is a hit in my family and so easy (and healthy): Turmeric-Black Pepper Chicken With Asparagus.
For light and healthy recipes that take great, I love the How Sweet Eats: https://www.howsweeteats.com
Every recipe I’ve tried is a winner.I love the aforementioned Love and Lemons too.
From the LW:
“Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I feel like a terrible person being so distant while he appears to be trying so hard and I feel so crazy because he is in fact very logical and I don’t wish to cause trauma. I will keep you posted.”
Echoing Kate and Golfer Gal here to say that you MUST get out of this situation and you MUST enlist the help of people you trust – your closest support system – plus the help of an attorney. Please do spend some time on thehotline.org where you can find people who are trained to help women in situations like yours. They will have the advice you need and will be able to help you devise a plan. Do this when your husband isn’t around and don’t tell him what you are up to. It’s dangerous to let him know.
You can do this! There’s a whole life ahead of you free from the emotional abuse and the manipulation you’ve been enduring all this time.
I agree with what others are saying. Three months is too early to feel this kind of frustration in a relationship. It’s also too early to “make” a partner do things, like block someone. I have been married for almost 15 years and I don’t “make” my spouse do things. I ask and suggest – sometimes strongly – but I would never enforce my will on my spouse. It’s not a great sign that you are behaving in this controlling manner at all, let alone so early. And it’s not a good sign that your partner feels they can’t or don’t know how to open up to you. This isn’t your partner’s problem as you suggest here. This is an issue between the two of you and you are as much a part of the problem as you need to be in finding a solution. I don’t know that I’d put in much effort for a 3-month relationship that already has such a big problem, but if you aren’t ready to walk away, I think you could apologize for being controlling and ask your partner how they’re feeling and how you can be supportive. and then just listen. Don’t interject with your own thoughts or try to defend yourself. Just listen. And when your partner is done talking, THEN you can share your thoughts. This is just a starting point. If you aren’t able to even accomplish quiet listening to start, then I would advise ending this relationship before there’s more drama.
