Cleopatra_30

Bit of a small vent. Been cruising around the hookup/dating apps to find people to explore my kinks and D/s lifestyle with (this is a new thing, finally taking the time to explore this area with experienced people, so far so good). I was chatting with someone and last week we had planned to meet but do to a bad snow storm our plans got cancelled. Let him know the same day my availability for next week (as he mentioned we should reschedule to then), and never got anything from him about his availability! I casually reached out to him on the Friday asking how his week was, and he mentioned saving some of our conversation for our drinks. Still didn’t get any availability from him that day, or on the weekend, or this week. He finally messaged me today and apologized for the long wait that I should message him over whatsapp and that he got drunk last night for his BD, and was scattered. Basically told him, thanks but no thanks, you never got back to me about meeting this week, and still haven’t told me your availability,I am not interested anymore. He responds by telling me that it is strange I interpreted his lack of communication the way I did and just said goodbye. Lord, are men this dense? I mean he is 31 for god sake, why would he not be understanding that leaving me hanging for a week with no communication of re scheduling be appropriate? Gah, makes me dread going back into dating in the near future.

@TheLadyE woo hoo! So nice to feel that way with a partner, keep it going and keep us updated on how things are going 🙂

So my ex wanted to chat last night, and we did, he told me he is leaving the city and moving back to the one we were living in prior to this move here. His work isn’t great, getting paid just enough and the work itself isn’t helping grow or learn more. He isn’t a fan of the city either, although we had discussed that before I broke up, so I knew he wasn’t a fan, but I guess after 4 months of him living in the city it hasn’t changed for him. He feels undervalued at his job, and his old workplace is apparently swamped with work and so he found out through an old coworker and was offered a position to go back there. He is leaving early December from what he told me.

Reason he wanted to talk, the apartment we were renting together will have to be sublet as it is still under the 1 year rental agreement, and since my name is still on it, he asked me that in the worst case scenario if I could show the place if it is still vacant after he leaves. At first I said yes since I am still on the agreement (should have asked to be taken off), but now I am thinking if worst case scenario does happen, to see if he can get a friend to do it for him. I think it is a little unfair to wrap me back into this after he leaves and has me deal with a place I no longer contribute to. In addition the tenancy bylaws require the landlord to show the place, and not the past tenants, so hoping he can stronghold the landlord if he insists so I don’t get wrapped up in it.

Alas, a lot of emotions were felt yesterday. As much as he has no reason to stay (in his own words), a part of me is still emotional and attached (only been 2 months), and so it was hard to hear the figurative door really slam close at the knowledge of him moving back across province to work and live, and really being separated and distanced from him. We haven’t talked up until yesterday, so we are keeping our word to remain unattached. But I think I still liked the knowledge of him being around the city and having some connection that way. A lot has changed in the last 4 months for him, moving, new job, new city, breakup and now moving again, and I can only imagine how he is managing and dealing with it. So my worries and sadness pale in comparison and I guess are selfish to feel upset on him leaving. But I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon after. I knew he didn’t like the city and wondered if it would happen (him leaving), but not for a year at least. It just sucks.

Being newly single as well (just shy of 2 months now), I know how it feels to end something when so many others things fell into place. Your situation is definitely unique, as it wasn’t so much either of you falling out of love, or not being compatible, rather him needing to explore more on his own. So although I can say I know how you feel, I won’t know the exact feelings as they are unique in your situation.

But please know you are not alone. Make sure to really keep to that no contact rule, get back into more social events (holiday events are full blown at the moment, go for dinner, drinks, events with friends). If you find yourself thinking too much about him or the situation, write yourself a mantra to go to when you are feeling down. Also, podcasts help a lot to distract.

I really hope you are doing okay, you are not alone, and stay strong! Do things you couldn’t when you were with him, and I would even suggest a few counselling sessions to just help sort your thoughts and have a truly third party weigh in on things. Self care!!!

@Copa, I agree. It had crossed my mind after we broke up whether I had left prematurely and given up too quickly. But having dealt with this issue for 6 months and getting pretty much no where with regards to improvements made I was still glad that I had ended it when I did despite the circumstances.

My thought on mentioning or even considering this internally for the future is more around the idea of him addressing those shortcomings and improving himself. If he turns out to be more than vanilla, I wouldn’t be opposed to trying again if we were in the same boat of being single and interested. This again would be a year or two down the line. I have no intent to date at the moment, and want to work on myself through counselling to deal with some of the personal issues that arose during the relationship.

I will not be contacting him to put this in his head, I am just going to leave it be as a passing thought for myself.

So I want to gather some thoughts from others here about my ex and I.

As context, the reason I decided to end things was because of the lack of chemistry in the bedroom. I had been in counselling the last 6 months or so this year to help with some of my own emotional regulation, but to also talk about this particular issue between us. So we had been working and talking about our sex life and what I needed for 6 months prior to moving in together this September. Basically, I wasn’t happy with the sex, it was very vanilla for me and didn’t have enough variety, passion and chemistry in the bedroom. We were physical in public, ie PDA, and we were affectionate elsewhere, but the bedroom life just seemed to be stagnant. I told him things I needed, and also told him to tell me what he wanted to try (as he was less experienced than me).

When we broke up I had realized that the lack of satisfaction in the bedroom affected me emotionally more than I realized. So I felt it was necessary to end it for the sake of my sanity and happiness. He told me the night we ended things that he had wanted to try stuff but was nervous about bringing it up (I had made sure he knew I was GGG, and asked him about things he wanted to try, but he didn’t provide much for me).

So, tonight, I had to go to his place to pick something of mine up, and he apologized to me about how he acted after the break up, as we were living together for over a week till I could find a place. He said he was trying to emotionally disconnect to protect himself, but also realized it wasn’t kind to me either. I said thank you for the apology, and yes I understood we were not in the best situation after, but he did act a bit immaturely at times.

Then he also apologized and acknowledged his lack of openness with our sex life. Said in talking with a friend he realized that his past sexual experiences were very tame and vanilla and just assumed that’s how it was (not sure why after 2 years and me trying to coax it out of him to open up he still thought that). Regardless, he acknowledged openly he was not fair in the bedroom. I said thank you, and repeated my frustrations that I had told him prior, and that I hope he is able to explore more on his own that he should explore and see what he likes considering his lack of experience.

Leaving that conversation, I was happy and also relieved that he had been thinking about what happened, acknowledged his faults and that he had things to work on.

My question is, should I let him know that I am open to potentially re visiting our relationship. Caveat being, if he manages to explore and learn more about his own sexual interests, and thinks he can bring something more to the table in the future. At the end of the day, the sex stuff was the biggest deal breaker for me. He knew this. The fact that this finally came to a head for me was hard, as we did have a lot of commonalities and chemistry otherwise (ie same values, future plans, interests, lifestyle, personality, emotional support, etc).