Copa
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@TheLadyE I’m glad you updated us! I was wondering how you’d been. It’s okay to be 40 and single. And also okay to love your freedom and space while simultaneously hoping to meet someone. If I’m ever single again, I suspect I’d eventually want companionship again, but not sure I’d want to do the apps again. They were exhausting.
It’s good to have standards and know your dealbreakers, too. Sometimes I think back on the garbage I put up with in my 20s. I excused a lot of dusty-ass behavior that I wish I hadn’t.
ETA: Some of the guys I dated in my 20s I know are married now, and I’ve wondered if they’ve changed/grown/matured or just found a spouse who doesn’t push back on bullshit. Like one boyfriend from when I was in school, he was chronically jealous. Became a bit controlling. Cheated, too! The last few months were pretty bad. When I found out years later through a mutual connection that he’d gotten married, my reaction was, “Who on earth would marry him???” Curiosity got the best of me, I did some Googling, and while neither has much of an internet presence these days, I laughed aloud when I saw she has a PhD in psychology. Like she theoretically counsels women who end up in relationships with crappy guys like him!
So one of my friends who is engaged, I don’t really care for her fiancé much. I think he’s self-centered and there has been some behavior I’ve really not liked (e.g., she’s been in in-patient treatment for anorexia several times, most recently in 2016, and I know of at least one instance where he told her the way she ate something was disgusting… he also once dumped her by text after two years and they were living together…). Anyway, their wedding website made me LOL. There’s next to no practical information about their wedding (no venue, time, etc.), but there’s an entire weirdly self-congratulatory page dedicated her ring. And how big and beautiful it is. Since they got engaged, she’s admitted he proposed on an ultimatum. I sincerely wish them the best but I have known a few ultimatum couples, none of whom made it longer than a few years.
@ktfran I credit moving to a big city with resetting my feelings on marriage back to my factory settings, haha. It took a couple years, but I’ve felt for a long while again that it’s not something I *need*. At this point in my relationship I think marriage would feel more like tightening the knot, not tying it.
@hfantods The one thing that has never really wavered is my ambivalence toward procreation. For how devastated I was that things didn’t work out with specifically two boyfriends I had in my 20s, I’ll occasionally hear what’s up with them from mutual friends or look on social media and feel glad we parted ways. Both settled down in small towns, got married, had kids. Great for them if that makes them happy, not the life I ever dreamed for myself. I’ve been reading some books about being childless by choice or about the decision to have kids lately (Selfish, Shallow, & Self-Absorbed in the spring, currently about halfway through Motherhood)… if you’re feeling pressure, maybe some of those kinds of books would help. I find them interesting.
Oh also meant to add. In June my company had a conference and my boss, who is mid-40s, brought his wife. So at one of the dinners, a few coworkers (women) and I were talking to my boss’s wife, I’m assuming also mid-40s. Somehow it came up if that if she could pick the age her daughter, who is maybe 11, gets engaged/married, it’d be in the 30-35 range.
I really hope that one day women will stop feeling so much pressure to marry by a certain age or like their worth/value is tied up in how desirable they are to men. Literally nobody bats an eye at a 30-something groom.
I’d say most of my friends got married in their 30s. At least in my groups of friends, relatively few got married in their 20s. I have four weddings coming up in the next year or so, three of which are for women who are 33-34. This seems normal to me. I know some of what’s normal varies by things like region, level of education, etc.
I still remember going off to law school at 22 and being shocked that my classmates were thinking about marriage and trying to find husbands. I’d never given marriage much thought at that point. Some of the things said at the girls nights we used to have blew my mind. Even the boyfriend I had at this point wanted to be married with three kids by 30 and I remember telling him that I wanted a long-term partner, but didn’t think I cared if I ever got married. I lived in this state for maybe 10 years between school and my first job, and people did tend to marry younger there. By the time I was 26, I was the only person I knew in my age range who was unmarried and not living with a partner. I guess it all did rub off on me because I remember thinking, when I became single again at 28 (different bf at this point), that I was so old and had missed my chance. Which is absolutely absurd! But, younger marriage was the norm there.
As an aside, the friends I have who did marry younger are mostly divorced by now. Not all, but quite a few. A few have remarried. Some are discovering the mess that is online dating in your 30s. The one who took her divorce the hardest dates casually here and there but hates it and doesn’t think she’ll ever have a serious partner again.
He felt like a bad father but not a bad husband? Okay then!
He probably enjoys the ego boost to get the attention of a younger woman and I imagine would like to keep you as an option should he ever decide to cheat on his wife again. A lot of people have a “work wife” or “work husband,” but this is not that. This guy isn’t your friend and nothing good will come of this.
If you’re single and want a relationship, get on a dating app instead of indulging your gross, married coworker.
Super random, but for anyone who enjoys ridiculous wedding drama — there used to be a lot of wedding-related letters on this site! — a friend recently introduced me to the podcast Normal Gossip and this episode about sorority sisters and weddings had me laughing out loud: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6eRWpCtpNBS2iOWWvkCT0z?si=5031b46d563a416f. (For anyone who doesn’t have Spotify, season 1 episode 5.)
If your boyfriend is fine with whatever boundaries you mention that you’ve put in place to keep both in your life, I guess that’s fine. I won’t be surprised if this continues to rear its ugly head, but that’s your lesson to learn. I think jealousy issues like this stem from a lack of trust, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to make your boyfriend think you’re untrustworthy.
I had one jealous boyfriend in my early 20s and the longer we were together, the worse his behavior got. Like we’d get into regular fights about guy friends, one time he told me I couldn’t wear shorts to hang out with our mutual guy friends. I’d try to appease him to keep the peace and really lost myself in trying to do so. It wasn’t great, things ended on a fairly sour note. I don’t think my ex was some horrible monster of a guy. He was young, insecure, had inner work to do, and should have ended things when he realized he didn’t trust me instead of trying to control things. It didn’t matter what I did or said, he was never going to trust me. (I’ve heard that this ex eventually went on to marry a therapist — LOL.)
I KNEW anonymousse was jealous of LW’s cousin and wanted to control this situation!
@Anon You’re the one not taking the facts as they are presented, calling this man her husband, saying she kissed the cousin while with the boyfriend, doubling down on how more than just one kiss must’ve happened, describing the cousin as “hot” and “fine ass.” All because you were cheated on once and *nearly* cheated on a second time in totally unrelated ways? Just, no. Give advice for the situation as presented or not at all. I know we all read between the lines or make assumptions when something isn’t clear, but you really took off with what must’ve happened in your responses.
For the billionth time, if he’s uncomfortable that’s valid and he can end the relationship. His feelings aren’t the issue. His controlling behavior is.
Also FWIW, I think a lot of regular commenters have dealt with shady exes, cheating, controlling partners, abusive behaviors, etc. We know things do happen.
@Anon LW literally said nothing more happened than a kiss. I’m sorry for your baggage/past, I know we all draw from our own experiences when responding, but the situations you’ve been through don’t really sound all that similar to this and yet you’re still doubling down on this idea that the cousin is a threat.
They’re not married. The cousin is literally family.
If this is all above board and normal in the culture he was raised in, why the jealousy and demanding you cut your cousin off? If there is no ick factor present for him, what’s the big deal about one kiss with someone years before you even started dating? That shouldn’t be a big deal, even if you and that person become good friends down the road. Are you the one commenting as @Anon explaining why the cousin could be a perceived threat and saying the boyfriend has a right to choose who is in his life?
