dinoceros
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Well, for an opposing anecdote, my friend thought her boyfriend was going to propose around Christmas, due to what she thought were hints. They exchanged their gifts together and a small box turned out to be a pair of earrings. She was upset, but tried to not make a big deal, and he noticed and went ahead and proposed. He’d been planning something for later, but to him, it was more important to, like, actually get engaged and not have his girlfriend sad than to control the situation.
Anyone who is THAT hung up on controlling all the details of a proposal is probably not ready for marriage — a partnership in which you don’t always get to be in charge and have to think about someone else’s feelings sometimes.
Is this a new thing? Like where people are only willing to do favors if it means a specific checklist of requirements (must ask by this date, must have asked 5 other people, must not use a babysitter very often, must show this degree of contrition).
My friends’ whose siblings have kids babysit all the time. I mean, they like actually enjoy spending time with their nephews and nieces. I’ve never heard them once start analyzing the request to determine if that person deserves their help.
This just seems like it has ballooned into much bigger of an issue than it is.
I’m not saying that not wanting to be around your kids 24/7 makes you a bad mom. I don’t think anyone has brought up an expectation of being around one’s child 24/7 anyway. But to use your assumption to imply that their dislike for being around their kid is driving them to seek unnecessary child care (to the point where you don’t think they deserve help with babysitting one night) is different and has a different tone.
I guess I’m surprised that a lot of people are focusing on whether a person is “owed” child care. Technically, no one is “owed” anything. I tend to give my family and friends a little more than what is the absolute minimum I owe them though. They also don’t “owe” anything I may ask them for in the future, like help moving or a ride home from a surgery, so doing things for them even if I’m not legally required to helps make for a reciprocal relationship.
Why would you want to marry someone who doesn’t care what you want, puts you on the back burner, and isn’t excited about committing to you? The issue is that YOU want to commit to someone who doesn’t value you.
The issue with ultimatums is not just that they won’t ever propose. The bigger issue is that you potentially pressure someone into marrying you who doesn’t want to marry you. It’s not like it becomes a situation where they just learn to live with it. They will eventually leave, except the difference is that it’s harder to get out of a marriage and you potentially have kids to worry about.
It’s also concerning to me that you think having a baby is a good way to make someone commit and that “pride” is what’s stopping you. The only thing worse than marrying someone who doesn’t want to marry you is having a baby with them.
In the future, only date people who want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
No one is forcing you to babysit. If you don’t want to, then say you have plans.
This is something that isn’t going to have a black-and-white answer.
It seems like the sister is getting sort of unfairly pegged as lazy and rude because of the mom’s behavior.
I’m glad that you clarified your opinion of your sister’s parenting, LW. For the record, I don’t think anyone twisted your words. You said you thought she didn’t like to spend time with her kid, which would generally speaking not make someone a great mom. I understand that maybe having a babysitter in your family was not normal, but getting a babysitter sometimes to do things other than work is OK.
I saw that she had plans. But my point was that if it’s an uncommon request, then for me, it would be worth changing my plans. If I was asked every couple of weeks, then no.
It sounds like the sister typically can rely on the father to watch the kids when she’s on night shift, and when he’s not there, her parents. I know plenty of people who have babysitters for days or evenings, but don’t necessarily have someone they could call for an overnight. Generally because they don’t often need to have someone stay overnight. At least not in the first two years.
I would just babysit the child. Your reasons would make more sense if this were a pattern rather than a one-off request, and you don’t indicate that this happens a lot.
Finding child care overnight from someone you trust is hard. Not everyone can get their shift changed when it’s assigned to them. In terms of your own life preferences, sure, we all like to be “selfish” and have fun and we all are busy, but sometimes you just put that aside and do something nice for family. As for your sister’s interest in watching her kid, I think that’s a hard thing for you to judge. Having to use child care doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t like seeing your child. And even if she didn’t, that doesn’t necessarily change the fact that she is supposed to work, the father is out of town, and her regular child care is unavailable.
I can see your mom’s perspective. If I watched a kid quite a bit, then I would want to know that other family members were willing to pitch in sometimes, if I was that giving of my time. And just in a practical sense, you never know when you might need a favor yourself.
So, yeah, unless this is a situation where she asks you all the time, then I think this is one of those situations where you do a favor for someone that isn’t fun because they are family and you want to be a kind person.
Any adult man who would date someone your age is a bad person. Plenty of people have feelings for someone they shouldn’t or are not going to pursue. Instead of sitting around and letting yourself spend lots of time thinking about him, find ways to distract yourself and actively think of something else when you find yourself thinking about it. You can’t control your thoughts, but you can stop yourself from spending excessive amounts of time just thinking about him. Over time, you’ll move on.
It would be one thing if there was one negative aspect of the relationship to resolve, but there’s a lot of problems and I don’t know how these could really be resolved.
I think it’s a bad idea to date anyone when you loathe their child and hate the type of relationship they choose to have and how they parent. I assume that you’re blaming the fact that you think she’s manipulative and spoiled solely on her mom, but if your boyfriend truly does spoil his daughter with lots of material things and gives in whenever she has a tantrum, then he’s enabling this behavior. Her behavior is a result of BOTH of her parents. She didn’t just spring from the ground as a “brat.” He played a hand in making her that way. I would never date someone if I had such a fundamental disagreement with how they parent. That’s not something you can just change. It’s not like a guy who dresses sloppily and you think over time you can make them more stylish.
I also think it’s very misguided for you to think that your situation where he grabbed your head violently is so unique that it’s OK for you to stay with him because it was isolated and he’s a “good man.” Every abusive relationship starts off like that. A good person doesn’t do that. You act like it’s anybody would just respond to stress that way. They don’t. And the fact that you can’t control yourself either is a problem. One violent person is bad enough, but two are a recipe for disaster. I also think that if your relationship has gotten to the point where you two can’t communicate well enough to preclude yourselves from hurting each other, that it’s over.
The other issue is that you’ve learned that when he’s under pressure, he snaps, pushes you away, etc. A lot of things may happen in your life while with him that stress you both out. Do you really want to fall into this pattern where you two act like you hate each other anytime he’s stressed?
Finally, anyone whose response to their partner’s kid cutting them off is “good riddance” must not actually have their partner’s best interests at heart. It’s incredibly selfish. Nobody wants their kid to cut them off, no matter how obnoxious their girlfriend thinks she is.
Wow. Please stop offering to pay for her haircut. You should just tell her the dog has fleas.
If I had done what she had done (which I wouldn’t because I don’t use strange combs), I’d have been pretending that I hadn’t. Maybe she was doing it on purpose to try to extort money from you? I don’t know how someone could be that dumb.
I agree about making a move first. I do not agree with an earlier comment that it sets a precedent of you having to do everything. If he’s wondering, perhaps, whether you are into him, then this solves that problem and he may be more confident in the future. If you make a move and then he still doesn’t make any of his own, then you can move on. I think it’s a little premature to wait around, do nothing, and then write him off. I think a lot of people also THINK they are coming across as more obviously interested than they are.
When you have to pretend to be a stranger in order for anyone to agree with you, that’s pretty bad.
