dinoceros
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Actually, the ability to accept criticism IS a sign of good mental health.
My parents haven’t visited me in the 12 years since I lived at home. And they don’t really seem to keep much track of what’s going on in my life to ask many questions or make many comments aside from “How is work?” “How is your car?” I don’t know if your parents normally are a little self-absorbed, but sometimes people’s individual personalities sort of override what we think a person should/would do as a parent. Like I think that a parent should want to visit me, but the individuals who are my parents find where they live interesting and a select few vacation spots (Vegas, the beach, etc.), but nowhere else. So, their interest in my life does not really have a big place in my happiness. When I’m looking for validation, I look for it in myself (being excited about my life) or from friends (who are excited for me). You may find that you need to do that with your parents. (Some people also stop finding milestones interesting after they’ve passed them (so someone who has had their own place for decades doesn’t always remember that it’s exciting when it first happens), which I don’t think is maybe the best family/friend quality, but it is what it is.
So, you want advice, but we’re not allowed to give advice you don’t want to hear? It seems like that’s a theme here. You hear something, don’t like it, so you ignore it.
She said she’s not interested. Sure, even if she thinks you’re cool and stuff, why would you want to be with someone who isn’t interested in being with you? Isn’t the point of a relationship and where the happiness comes from in it that you’re with someone who wants you as much as you want them? It sounds like she’s saying nice things to let you down easy.
But regardless, if someone says they aren’t interested, move on. The movies might make it sound romantic to keep trying and trying, but a human being should be able to say, “no thank you” and have the other human being stop trying to date them.
Well, I don’t think most people *want* to break up with their partner. But they do it because they aren’t getting what they need from the relationship.
Going out to eat is really simple. There is really no sense why there needs to be this long gap between him saying he’s going to do it and doing it. All he literally would have to do is be like, “Hey, are you free Friday? Let’s go out to eat, my treat.” But he hasn’t.
Unfortunately, it seems he’s learned that if he says he’s going to do something that’s the same to you as actually doing it, or that if he pretends he doesn’t remember doing something, you just sort of let it go.
Noticing patterns in your relationship and in your partner’s behavior is good, but it means nothing unless you actually use that information.
Yeah, I’m sure that’s why George isn’t going to get married. Kind of like “you can’t fire me, I quit.”
It’s not enough for someone to be responsible. Responsible people are not perfect. They may lock up a gun or clean it safely or whatever 99 times out of a 100, but it only takes one time for something bad to happen. And it’s not like, oh, I didn’t signal I was turning, and I got rear-ended — it’s accidentally shooting oneself or others, it’s a child shooting themselves or others. In order for someone to truly be ready to protect themselves at a moment’s notice, they can’t lock up a gun or keep it unloaded. I’ve never understood that argument. If someone breaks into your home at night, if you keep your gun stored safely, you will not have time to go to the gun, unlock it, load it and then go after the person. The sort of situations a person wants a gun for protection are essentially emergencies that can’t be predicted and happen quickly. I mean, if this were the wild west, and you had time for your neighbor to run down and tell you a band of outlaws was on the way, that’s one thing. But life isn’t like that. And even cops accidentally fire weapons. Training doesn’t make one perfect either.
I also think that if a couple marries and they do not own a gun, then it’s not an automatic right for one of the partners to be able to up and decide to get one and keep it in the home. If you marry someone who owns a gun, that’s one thing. But if you marry someone who does not, and then they decide to later, then it becomes a something that the partner should get a say in.
I sure wish I had enough free time in my life that I could spend hours on a site that I hate just for the heck of it. But alas, there’s work and other responsibilities.
ETA: OMG, I just read the part about the internet ombudsperson. Is he employed by one of those nigerian princes who owes me $10,000?
@jimmyjam What kind of personal issue do you have with this situation? It’s very bizarre advice to tell someone to give up the vacation days they negotiated for and were approved. Would you also say someone who negotiated a higher starting salary and got it in writing should just back off if their employer tried to not give it to them?
Also, last time I checked, nobody gets to deny time off because they have decided you should save it in case of an emergency. What a strange thing for a random person on the internet to get so angry about.
Don’t miss the bigger picture. Even if this issue is resolved (which is unclear), not only does he appear to be a little stingy, but his reaction to you bringing up an issue that has been bothering you is to call it weird that you brought it up and to call the idea you had to solve it weird. That’s really obnoxious. It sounds like he either doesn’t know/care how healthy relationships work and/or that he’s trying to make you feel guilty for bringing it up, in hopes that you don’t bring it up again.
In a healthy relationship, his response should be to listen, try to understand how you feeling, and NOT try to make you feel bad about the conversation. It’s a very one-sided response, where he seems to think he’s the decider as to what is weird or not and that someone else’s opinion must be objectively wrong. This kind of stuff is going to come up again any time you have something you want him to change or that is bothering you, and it just sounds exhausting to be with someone where you’re going to have to deal with being called weird whenever you want to do that.
I agree that the LW needs to express her needs and potentially find out if he sees the relationship differently. However, even if this were a totally platonic thing, it would be weird and rude for him to have her treat him or go 50/50 without ever returning the favor.
So, yeah, tell him what you’d prefer to do and stop offering to treat him until you guys work out something that works for you. At this point, you’re just going to resent him every time you pay 100%, and generosity isn’t the same when it’s done through resentment.
Personally, I’d see this as a red flag. I think that generosity and reciprocity are good traits in a partner, and if someone has to be prodded in order to reciprocate generosity that is shown toward them, then I imagine this will come up again.
I feel like we’re on the verge of the “you’re violating my first amendment rights, even though you’re not the government, but nobody realizes that the first amendment only applies to the government and not random people on the internet” territory.
You have a right to say what you want, but everyone else has a right to say what they want. Your right to say things doesn’t mean you also have a right to tell people when they can or can’t reply to you. It’s not a right to not get pushback for things you say that other people don’t like.
Not voting isn’t something to brag about.
