Kate
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Vulnerability would be like, “I’m scared to tell my wife I’m not happy and want a divorce. I feel like a bad person.” Toxic masculinity is when you’re like, “it’d be easier for me if they all died so I wouldn’t have to be the bad guy.”
There is language and ideation in this post that makes me uncomfortable, the kind of thing I haven’t even seen on DW before but gives me echoes of true crime docs.
Also, it’s like… I don’t know how to put this, but everything you mention is totally logistical. You try to help around the house. Your kids might have to switch schools. Your wife might have to switch jobs. You’d have another failed marriage. There’s nothing here about any feelings that you have for each other, other than I guess that she annoys you sometimes. There’s no mention of, like, wanting to somehow get back to how things were in the beginning. It’s not, “I want to find a way to get back to when we were happy,” it’s, “I sometimes secretly wish they’d all die.” I feel like that’s a manifestation of toxic masculinity. There’s no musing on how your wife might be feeling, even. Or any indication that you’ve ever talked to her or thought of talking to her about how you feel.
Anyway. I really do think you should get out. Normally I’d say talk to her, do the work, make changes, but I don’t see that working for you.
No really, it’s all right here:
“I realized I don’t want to be married any longer and I feel bad because she does, she talks about grandchildren and retirement. Also, I don’t want to just stick around and wait the 5 yrs. till everyone graduates because that is also unfair to her. I had a thought that if everyone got into an accident and died my life would be easier.”
You don’t want to be married any longer. Get out!
Honestly please just leave. This idea of it being easier if everyone just died is sick and twisted and actually horrifying because, you know, men get to that point where they do just kill their whole family.
If you’ve had multiple periods in a 6 year marriage where you’re super unhappy, you shouldn’t be in that marriage. Just get out. They’ll be fine. Move on.
I feel like you’re being anti-feminist in some way by going to such lengths to try to come to the conclusion that someone isn’t being misogynistic or sexist. And by trying so hard to prove that women can do what men can do that you actually harm yourself. Stop jumping through hoops. Feminism means you think men and women should have the same rights and opportunities. I do think you’re kind of missing the point too when you ask if it’s someone’s gender or personality that makes them not do physical labor. It implies that women should be doing physical labor, or doing exactly what men do.
PS: Ableist bullshit.
Good point about it not being a good use of their time. This person was hired to be the head of marketing in a tiny company. Their job is to get the hype out there so the company will have customers. If they are doing all the marketing functions, they’re probably busy. What’s a more valuable use of an hour of their time: Generating leads, or moving cartons around?
Well, okay.
First this: “Among many things the thing that surprised me was he seemed to have no complaints about the company in expecting its employees to worker harder and longer because they are short on funds!”
That’s totally normal and expected for a startup. I am not sure whether they’re self-funded or took venture capital or what, but yeah, in the early stages of a company it’s all hands on deck, and yes, normal for folks to do things that they’ll eventually hire more people for.
This is pretty bullshit though:
“My friend says we have to hire woman becuase in order to get funds/investments we have to show diversity (age and gender so far, achieved). If it was not the case we would/should hire employees who are physically strong (he said men) “becuase our company needs men”.
That is an alarmingly sexist and ageist viewpoint.
As for the Marketing Head not doing physical labor, like, what kind of labor are we talking about here? And are there other types of responsibilities she could take on so that she’s pulling her weight if she can’t or won’t do the heavy labor?
This is sooo inappropriate of your mom.
My brother has major issues I won’t get into, but suffice it to say I have the looks and brains in the family such as they are. Neither of my parents would EVER make any kind of statement comparing us, because why? That would be so wrong. It’s very wrong of your mom too but I almost feel like you and your sister are in somewhat the same league in her mind or why would she even make comparisons.
And yes, people have said to me, often, “that’s your brother? You two look nothing alike.” My dad actually told me confidentially one time that he believed my brother got switched at the hospital because my dad was away when my mom gave birth and she was on heavy drugs and didn’t know what was going on, and she was sharing a room with a literal child who was giving birth probably from incest (New Hampshire, you know, 1972).
Anyhoo. These people are all being assholes and maybe there are things you can learn to say to people to let them know they’re hurting your feelings and should stop it.
I continue to think your family’s behavior, including your parents’, is toxic. Are they bad people? No. Are they extremely misguided in their communication and not realizing how it’s messing you up? Yes! They seem to be letting materialistic priorities guide how they value people. Looks and material success. They don’t even seem to realize that there are other qualities that make a person wonderful and valuable. They certainly can’t seem to recognize or articulate anything beyond looks and success. They really do seem to think someone who had more of these conventional qualities is worth more than someone with less. Which isn’t true. And unfortunately you believe it. And maybe you’re going to get in a pattern of dating people who also believe this crap and will see your sister as superior. A good therapist can help you through this stuff.
Your sister was trying to get through to you about why being conventionally attractive and successful doesn’t make you or your life better than someone else’s, but you weren’t hearing it because you’ve been conditioned to the idea that she’s perfect and better.
Well, it’s all you know, but please believe that all of the comments you described are inappropriate and not stuff that normal people with sensitivity would say.
And also, no one is perfect. Gorgeous, smart, successful people have problems and inner demons too, maybe more so than “regular” people. Imagine the pressure. And probably always feeling like you’re not good enough because someone is always even smarter and even prettier. And bad stuff happens to them too.
A better therapist maybe could help you reframe your narrative.
I think that town sounds pretty toxic. Can you get out of there anytime soon? I think it could be good to live in a context where your identity isn’t as “Sally’s sister.” I’m not trying to be unkind, but like, do you truly feel safe around your family? Your dad’s comment was pretty strange, and you weren’t kept safe from your cousin.
I think you need a life that’s all yours.
