Kate
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Heather’s article about rejecting guys at a bar has some good ideas, but I disagree that you owe a guy ANYTHING because he bought you a drink. You shouldn’t let a guy buy you a drink in the first place. Just say no, thank you, you’ll get your own (when you’re 21). Letting guys buy you drinks is dumb because 1) it gives them an opportunity to slip drugs in it, 2) now they’ve made you feel obligated to stand and talk to them.
Contrary to what that article says, you also don’t need to smile when you’re rejecting someone. If he’s being nice, polite, and respectful and not grabbing at you, okay, you can be nice back. But do NOT feel you need to smile at a guy who grabbed you from behind. Get his hands off you, look him in the eye, say NO, and walk away.
You’re a woman, not a little girl, and it’s time to grow up, be a woman in the world, and handle your own business. It’s not for your daddy or your non-existent siblings or your sleeping roommate to deal with your horror over kissing a guy whose looks and race you don’t like.
If a guy grabs your hand at a club, and you don’t want to hold hands with that guy, take your hand out of his and turn away. Walk away. If he follows you and tries to talk to you, firmly say you’re not interested, have a good night. If a guy is dancing with you and you don’t like it, again, walk away. “Excuse me, gotta go.” If he’s drunk and giving you a hard time, firmly say no, leave me alone, and walk toward the bouncers. If he tries to kiss you, put your hand up, say no, and walk away. Seriously, what the hell?
Finally, this is not a national tragedy. Sorry you talked to an ugly guy and ended up with his tongue in your mouth, but you’re fine. You kissed a guy you’re not into. Okay, we’ve all been there, are you going to let it ruin your life? Go talk to a counselor on campus if you feel like you need more help learning to say no.
I’m leaving this letter up because it’s real, and there is a real issue to be solved (needing to learn how to rebuff unwanted male attention, handling anxiety), but the racist overtones are not a good look.
Note: I edited the letter. It didn’t use any slurs or bad language, it was just offensive.
Even for me, this has gotten ridiculous!
Why is it a surprise? Her English is as good as anyone’s, and she’s weirded out by prostitution (which by your logic she shouldn’t be if she’s living in Asia).
“I doubt many dating Americans share their views on prostitution, even if one has visited a legal foreign brothel.”
I don’t doubt this. It comes up. It’s seriously come up a bunch of times just in conversation with my husband. Like a guy at a wedding we were at was propositioned, turned the woman down, and then the next day this OTHER guy was AWOL all day and everyone figured he had the prostitute in his hotel room. Or, my husband went to Asia for Worlds years ago, and talked about team members and prostitutes. I’m sure I asked him whether he ever did. That kind of thing. It does come up.
Whoever I’m dating, I want to understand their stance on strip clubs and prostitutes, so I ask (I’m fine with strip clubs for bachelor parties and stuff, but not too cool with lap dances unless it’s *his* party or I’m there. Which I really don’t anymore.
And if it’s not a moral value for him, where is all this deep shame coming from?
She is in the US.
Exactly. I have a thing, not even going to categorize it here, but it’s something I was raised with, which I KNOW some people will not be ok with. Like it really freaks some people out. I need to make sure any guy I date is accepting of it. That’s my responsibility. If they were to find out without me telling them, they would not be in the wrong at all to ask me about it, where do I stand on it now, how does it fit in my life, etc etc etc. I’d be pissed they snooped, but I’d talk to them about it. It’s not a sexual thing but it’s highly controversial. It’s a thing many people strongly feel is WRONG, too, and I get that. I do not talk about it to anyone, except a long-term partner, and I bring it up when we’re getting serious.
Once again, yes, I agree with Ele4phant.
Agree with basically everything Ele4phant said.
Hey Ron, I see that some of that is addressed to me, but it’s really long and I may not get to it.
