Kate
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She might have a medical condition – that’s one possibility. Or she’s not totally emptying her bladder outside and then feels like she needs to finish when she gets in. I know girl dogs pee less frequently than boys because they’re not marking every spot they sniff, so maybe she needs to be out longer? Or she’s getting distracted?
We were friends starting about 10 years ago. She used to tell me about this site Dear Wendy, and I went on here and started commenting as Kate, and after like a year or something, Lianne was like, “is this you?” Haha.
Also, I see you said that you see the good in him. Look, lots of people who cheat have good in them. Most people aren’t “bad.” And you say he makes you happy, but you’re also a mess and now blaming yourself for not being able to get over this. The truth is, he’s not good *enough.* He’s the guy who blew up your relationship by having sex with the girlfriend of the brother he hates. He’s the one who called you crazy and jealous while he was lying to your face and cheating on you. Great, once you confronted him with proof, he backed off and swore he was done with the whole thing, and that makes you somewhat happy. But you’re still a mess, as anyone would be after being betrayed like that. You don’t just get over it and move on. That’s not what happens even when you do work with a therapist together to rebuild trust. It takes YEARS, and it never goes away. You know that metaphor about, if you drop a china cup, it’s now in pieces, but you may be able to glue it back together and keep using it… but it’s always a broken cup and you have to be very careful with it. If it breaks again, it’s done. Your cup is not put back together, from what you’ve said. You’re trying to glue it together again, but it’s not working. You can’t use the cup, it won’t hold liquid, and you know you need to either glue it together or throw it away. I think your chances of doing the former are slim to none, and why should you? He betrayed you in about the most major way he could. Just throw it away and move on. That’s the right thing to do.
Mel, there are little screw ups and unintentionally hurtful things that happen in relationships, yes. There’s a distinction here that you need to see, though, which is that you have what’s known as a “major betrayal” in your relationship. That you are still suffering from. In your first post you said you are miserable and that the original poster (OP) should run.
Dealing with a major betrayal and trying to get past it is a phenomenally big deal, so much so that there are entire books about it. I recommend this one:
The reason you’re still miserable is because a major betrayal like this is a huge freaking deal, and yes, this kind of thing does regularly end relationships. People do walk away and are right to do so. We see letters here all the time from people like you who tried to make it work, their partners swore they had stopped the behavior, the contact, they stay together and then months or years later he’s at it again.
People do persevere and rebuild trust, but those people are generally married, with kids, and are committed to making it work for the sake of their marriage and kids. It is a LONG painful road, and needs to be undertaken with the help of a professional.
You don’t solve a problem like this by sticking around because you’re a great person “who likes to see both ends of a situation” (aka overly tolerant and lacking boundaries due to low self-esteem) and getting him to treat you better and promise to stop the bullshit. You just taught him that you won’t leave him and that the cost of betraying you is not that high, he just needs to be on his best behavior for a while.
The odds are overwhelming that he will cheat on you again. You haven’t addressed the underlying issues or really done the work to rebuild trust. I highly recommend reading that book just to give yourself a reality check on what it would take. You aren’t married, you don’t have kids, you’re miserable, you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop… just leave. Do you want to be getting married in a month, or 8 months pregnant, and find out he’s sexting with or sleeping with this woman again, or some other woman?
The people commenting are regular readers of this site and also have hundreds of years of combined life experience. They know how these things play out. Listen.
That’s good. I read it as you’d been in regular contact lately and were thinking over potentially getting back together.
I remember when my dog died in 2006 and someone mentioned it to my ex and he wrote me a heartfelt email, and a few months later we were back together for what ended up being an absolutely miserable 4-year stretch before it was finally over. I had convinced myself I couldn’t break up with him again and was determined to “make it work.” It. Was. So. Bad.
Here’s something I’ve learned lately: you come to identify/define yourself according to your most recent experience. For you, that was being the girlfriend in this inharmonious relationship. That’s a big part of who you were for years, and then it was taken away from you with no choice. That’s very, VERY difficult and hurts so much. All you want is to get it back, because you’re so used to it, it feels like you need it. And he makes it way harder by not just getting the fuck out of your way. You feel like there’s hope, but there’s really not. You need to just move through this, like you’re supposed to, and soon enough you’ll identify as a strong single woman who’s doing well, having a good time, and is well rid of that tool of an ex-boyfriend. Don’t let yourself get stuck in this shitty limbo.
A break is probably a good idea. It’s only been a few months. I know that can feel like a long time and like all this time has passed and things could now be different, but that’s not accurate.
On the one hand, doing some online dating is a distraction, which can be good, but on the other hand, you’re clearly not emotionally ready to date someone, and worse, the typically crappy experiences you’re having (which everyone has) put you in danger of boomeranging back into what feels like comfort and safety, but is really the short, straight road back to catastrophic breakup #2.
Healing from catastrophic breakup #1 = at least a year of being free from your ex (including blocking from all social media so you don’t have to see the pics of his new girlfriend and yes, that will happen eventually) + having tons of fun with friends + probably some on and off dipping toes back into the dating pool + treating yourself really well and getting comfortable with plenty of alone time.
I mean, honestly, look, I know where this is going, I’ve seen it countless times, I’ve BEEN there (only I was always the dumper). I know what you’re going to do. I won’t say I told you so, but I feel compelled as the voice of shitsperience to tell you what’s going to happen.
@Ale, you needed to have him blocked. I’m really surprised you didn’t after all the really nasty and messed up shit he did to you.
This is totally typical. He’s lonely and feeling bad about his dog. He’s got you reeled back in, pretty much completely. All you had to do was express your genuine sympathy about his dog. Now you’re basically dating him again, or getting dangerously close. Like you said, you don’t *know* what was wrong. I guarantee if you tried to give this another shot, it would feel kind of good for a very brief period of time, after which you’d find yourselves fighting even more than you did before, and he’d ditch you all over again because he once again couldn’t handle it. Are you going to let him do this to you again?
Finally, a guy who sends texts saying he stood you up (!!!) because he’s afraid of dating and paying for dinner is a complete mess and you don’t respond to that under any circumstances. Interest in a guy like that is not a thing. Neither is scolding. No.
Oh yeah, it was his second marriage and it was really brief and he had a little kid. I was like, don’t go there. I’m glad you found someone you’re happy about!
Ah, ok. I’m not very social either, but a drink on a weeknight was pretty low investment for me, beyond the extra effort of making sure I looked cute and the dog got out.
On the other hand, job interviews absolutely drain me, and I like doing a lot of research up front and having phone calls first to make sure I really want to go in there.
Yeah, I mean, very recent ex pics or sexist rants would be a no-go for me too. But I think we’ve got to be able to rely on our instincts. I’ve never gotten serious with a guy and then found out he had sexist tendencies or weird stuff on social media or was married or had a criminal record. I dated a couple of cheaters, but I figured it out on my own from observing them. It wasn’t something I could have dug up.
I think it’s all too likely that some really unsavory stuff would never be revealed in an online search, and that if a guy is sketchy or “off,” you’re going to realize it pretty quickly once you spend a little time with him, so why not just meet up? Phone calls, skyping, long periods of chat and texting, online stalking, in most cases aren’t going to protect you from a guy who won’t be a good match for you. Experience and gut do that. Plus the long build-up to meeting can get you more invested in a guy than you should be, and more likely to overlook weird stuff once you meet him.
I felt like what a guy chose to say in his profile and how he acted during the course of a few emails via the website would give me enough of an indication that it would be fine to meet up, and then we’d meet in a public place and he wouldn’t know my last name, and I could get a better sense of him. Nothing beats in-person meeting.
In summary, the only thing you can rely on to keep you safe is your instinct, as taught in the book “The Gift of Fear.”
