Kate

I hear you, MissDre, and if that’s what works for you, keep doing it.

I’m thinking of this other friend of my husband. Good-looking guy, has an impressive job in medical robotic simulation or something, I’ve never googled him but I’m sure he has no online presence, doesn’t use social media, and if you saw him online (not you, personally, because he’s Irish, but a lot of women), you’d be like, wow! Exciting! Can’t wait for this one! He’s funny and his messages would sound good. I chose his profile pictures and he looks very nice. You’d not likely find any other pictures of him except like a LinkedIn headshot.

Except… his thing is, he gets blackout drunk on first dates. He does drugs. He has a shady background. He’s definitely been arrested more than once but I doubt anything is on his record. Boston cops “know his dad.” So my point is, online he’s gonna come across real appealing and respectable. But guess what, on date 1 or 2 you’re going to be like what.the.fuck. Unless you’re just like him and like to get blackout and do cocaine and make horrible decisions. He also cheated on his longtime girlfriend with a few different women, and strung her along for years with no intention of marrying her. None of that is going to come out in a google search or by emailing him or talking on the phone, but you’ll probably hear alarm bells after you spend a little time with him.

There might be other guys out there who have some bad pics online, said some dorky things on FB, maybe have pics up with their exes, maybe you’d be like, eh, but then they could seriously be a really good guy.

Hmm, I haven’t used Tinder or Bumble, but a couple people now have mentioned being asked for or wanting more pics to see what someone really looks like.

That used to mean, “I’m not sure you’re cute,” or “I think you’re overweight” or “your pics look out of date.” The request for more pics was a bad sign, and ATWYS used to say, “don’t comply.” Her reasoning was, if you had a clear headshot and a full body shot and a couple other pics, and these pics are up to date, there’s no reason for anyone to need more, and if they’re asking, it’s not good. The outcome will not be good, so just drop them.

With the apps, are people kind of trying to be demure and not show what they really look like for privacy reasons? Or to get people to look closer before swiping?

I remember sitting next to a 20-something woman from work as she signed up for Tinder and scrolled through it, and a lot of the guys had weird profile pics where you really couldn’t tell what they looked like. Which, wtf.

I still think it’s true that, if you have a clear headshot and a clear body shot, and maybe an action/hobby pic and/or a travel pic or something, and someone is asking for more pics, you should just move on and not indulge them by giving them access to all your photos or sending them a selfie. They’re insulting you just by asking.

@Hfantods, with the cute vs. sexy thing… unless things have changed a lot and you now MUST have a sexy pic in order to compete, I’d say don’t worry about trying to look sexy if that’s not you. Have a clear headshot that looks like the best version of you, not like you just rolled out of bed, and a full body shot that shows your shape, but not necessarily in a bikini or minidress, just a cute outfit that you like.

I had one close-up of me with my hair done and usual amount of makeup on, where I was smiling, with a fun prop in it that guys could ask me about. My top didn’t show cleavage but I think it was a halter that showed some skin. I also had a pic of me with my dog, where I looked more casual with hair pulled back. Also smiling. With both smiles, my teeth were showing. And one where I was in a dress that I liked and wore a lot and you could see my whole body including legs. And maybe one or two others.

Nothing overtly sexy, and no touch-ups or filters because I didn’t use those in 2012. Now I would use an app to make some small touch-ups, but not too many because I wouldn’t want a guy to think I looked older in person.

I met my husband on Match. Was it great? No, it had a lot of sad sacks on it, and a lot of junk messages. But I had been using OKC and meeting too many hipsters and musicians, and Match turned out to have that one great guy on it. I also weirdly had luck with Match’s chemistry.com site, where you couldn’t search, only look at the matches it gave you. I met some quality guys on there.

ETA – no sunglasses pics. I know a lot of the cute pics I have in my phone I’m wearing sunglasses, but you really can’t use those on dating sites, unless maybe it’s your full-body one and you have a few others where you can really see your face.

I connected on FB with my husband two months in. He thought it was a little weird because he’s a big user of social media for work/marketing, but he was fine with it.

That’s what I’m saying. If at three months my guy doesn’t seem interested in or capable of giving a lady an orgasm by whatever means possible, I’m not going all in on a love connection.

I’d say give it some more time too, but try to have some perspective and realize this isn’t love yet, you’re still getting to know each other. And I would not recommend just tabling the sex efforts and hoping things get better organically. I think if you did that, he’d think you’re comfortable without any. You should be gently speaking about your needs and his, and watching for effort on his part to be meeting your needs. He allowed you to give him an orgasm, but is he trying to give you one? Is that a concept for him?

Let’s just not repeat it. I know BGM said he didn’t care, but other people did. Stuff like that is always a no-go, while regular name-calling and shit is called out as needed by the community.