Kate
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When I was online dating, for about a year, I found that the guys I was more “ugh” about meeting were generally not a match in person, BUT, guys I was meh about before meeting might be the guy I ended up marrying. I emailed back and forth a bit on Match with my husband and was almost ready to give it up because it took us a few weeks to meet. I wasn’t *excited* about going on the date, and then while he was nice and fun to talk to and not bad looking, I wasn’t sure about a second date. I guess I’m saying, don’t spend too much time up front online/Skype/texting trying to develop a spark, because it will either be there when you meet, or not. And if, on the first date, you didn’t necessarily fall in love, if you feel like you wouldn’t mind a second date, just go on another one. Only decline if you just can’t see sitting through another couple drinks with him.
She may even think his paintings are nice, but just can’t handle having more than a couple of them in her house, which is totally reasonable.
My cousin’s husband is an artist and used to do a lot of paintings. My parents liked his work and either asked for, or chose when offered, two or three small paintings that hang together as a group in one spot over the piano. My mom had them framed the way she wanted and worked them into her decorating scheme. When we lived in a bigger place that had an upstairs loft with a very high ceiling, my parents got one of his huge canvasses to hang up there.
So yeah, they like his art, but they’re not going to cover every wall with pictures of his. That’s not most people’s idea of decorating.
Ok, yes, you’re pretty much in the wrong.
First of all, just the sheer volume of art you’re giving your son and daughter in law is really overwhelming. That would really stress me out too, to be given so many paintings and sculptures that I have to figure out how to fit into my home and hang up.
Second, your idea that a gift is a gift and she should be happy with anything, and that she’s spoiled, is ridiculous. She just doesn’t want any more art. It’s stressing her out, she’s got no place to put it, it probably doesn’t even go with her decor, it’s taking over her home. She asked you for like $10 bubble bath because it was something small you could get her, that she’d use. That’s really inconsiderate to decide her request is silly and not get her anything.
Telling someone to choose a painting off your bathroom wall is pretty tacky too. Look, she doesn’t want to be blunt and hurt your or your husband’s feelings, but the message is clear. No more art! It would be nice, and appropriate, to get her something she wants. You know, like something she asked for or registered for.
Maybe where you are they’re using Tinder a little differently than here. I could see there being a cultural nuance.
I don’t know about using Tinder for friendships. I feel like, guys aren’t on there for platonic friendships, and they’re not going to take you seriously when you say that’s what you want. Confusion would ensue. Why not use meetup or interest groups to make friends and dating apps when you’re ready to grab a drink and see if there might be a fit to date?
How was the coffee meetup? Did it end up sucking or was it fine?
I quit Facebook and don’t miss it or have any urge to log back in.
I quit because of the fake news though, not the feeling bad about myself. I’m curious about that. The only thing that ever got to me was this couple that goes to Europe and flies first class and posts pics of them in their lay-down pods. Other than that, nothing made me feel bad or inadequate. Everyone has their highlights that they post.
Were there particular triggers for you? I can definitely see, like, if something shitty happened to you, like just for example a pet died, you would want to take a break from seeing people’s pet posts…
I mean, how do you gain confidence without just meeting some guys for a no-strings drink?
Mmm, I get it, but would you appreciate it if someone did that to you?
It’s just a drink.
This lady i used to work with but haven’t seen in over 4 years just reached out to me. She has older teen kids and just started dating on Match. She was like, I took your advice! I didn’t even remember what advice, but part of it was just to go out for a bunch of first-date drinks and not put any pressure on it or get invested. She’s now got a guy she likes, who seems to have stuck.
Don’t do it until you’re ready, but also put it in perspective. One drink. Light chitchat. No expectations. No pressure, don’t care.
I’ve told him all this and then he feels better for a while, but then sometime later he gets distant and reluctant again and says “but I’m just so worried, what if nothing changes, what if we don’t work out?”
The problem here is that he is not ok with your relationship now. He thinks he would only be satisfied with it if things change. If YOU change. This bullshit about a 10-month lease, come on. Of course you can’t find a place with a 10-month lease. And if you do, he won’t be happy with it. He’s saying whatever to make sure this isn’t going to work. He’s sabotaging you going back to finish your education, which is incredibly fucked up, because he’s betting you’ll stick around. But for what? To perpetuate the endless cycle of trying to convince him you’re good enough? I’m telling you right now, you never will be. Because he’s messed up! I’ve been there. I’ve been with a guy for whom nothing would ever be good enough. It’s just an awful kind of purgatory.
I know you think this is the only way you can live, but it’s NO way to live. And I promise you, when you’re determined to stick something out that’s not working and is really bad for you, and it gets taken away from you, as in a job loss or a breakup, that’s a wonderful gift. You realize it didn’t define you as a person, you don’t need it, and you can move forward and be happy as you wait for that right situation to come along. You can’t see that until you’re out of it, but it’s true. You would be fine.
He IS breaking up with you, like other people said. He’s waiting for you to be miserable enough to end it. All he’s offering is the choice to stick around and cater to him completely while abandoning your own future. For a while at least. Marriage, kids, moving to the US together – none of that is happening. Guys like him talk about shit they will never actually do.
This makes me so sad and mad, because there’s a guy out there who will love you and think you’re beautiful and prioritize your needs, and you’re wasting your life on this guy who doesn’t respect you.
He might just be spoiled and entitled. Religious conservative is possible but would his parents have let his girlfriend move in for the summer?
Just say hi.
Low key = casual. If she smiles and says hi next time after that, and seems to often be in your area and not avoiding you, that’s an indication she may be receptive to a friendly chat.
There’s no way to tell for sure she’s interested without approaching her.
