Kate

Well… I always say that in general. In this case I agreed with Miss Dre’s friend who said something like, does it seem like too much to YOU? And it didn’t to her. To me, the face timing from airports and heart emojis would be too much too soon, but she felt good about it. Now the asking to be exclusive after just a few dates, with the distance and not having slept together yet, did make me wonder, but I didn’t say anything. That looked like either a “zero to 60 then crash” type of move or a “I get it, no sex until we’re exclusive, so ok, let’s be exclusive” thing. But it was already done, and Dre wasn’t asking for advice.

I did say he wasn’t being honest and suspected the job thing was a cover story, and yeah, he wasn’t being honest. You could say, oh, well, he wasn’t lying, he just wasn’t mentioning it until it was a sure thing. Maybe? I guess? But where it looks dishonest to me is all the sweet talk and then going dark for almost a week. That was a gigantic red flag. What guys do means way more than what they say, and the glaring contrast between words and actions indicated he was bullshitting Dre. I think this guy is a smooth operator who knows (or thinks he knows) what women want to hear, but isn’t too concerned about their feelings.

Courtney, I think it’s important to actually get the cash out (having some different denomination bills instead of just twenties helps make it easy) and put it down when the check comes. Not just offering to pay your share, but physically doing so. If he insists and hands it back, ok, but I think the complete act of paying needs to happen. Then you can take it from there based on what he does and says.

I think if a casual, no strings sex arrangement is what both parties are looking for, monogamy shouldn’t be part of the deal. You just hook up, and it’s always safe sex, and you get tested regularly, and don’t ask or tell. Exclusivity implies a boyfriend.

Openly flirting with another woman in front of you seems clueless and kind of disrespectful, but again, if you said you only want casual sex, I can see why a guy might think you don’t have “feelings” and wouldn’t mind. I think if this were a “don’t ask, don’t tell” setup, you could say that hitting on other women violates that, and you’d rather not see it.

“I have thought of breaking up but I fear a life without him. He has brought so much into my life. So, when I think about ending things I almost always dismiss the thought quickly.”

That’s not a great way to feel about a guy you’re contemplating a long term future and family with. It’s how I felt about my exes, particularly my last ex-bf. We were really bad together, and your relationship sounds more functional, but still. I feared being alone and losing the friends and social stuff he’d brought into my life. I often thought about breaking up with him, and tbh I did actually break up with him a few times.

I didn’t ever feel that way about my husband. Like frequent thoughts of breaking up and feeling the appeal of being single.

I will say that from an outside perspective, the interactions and communication you have with you boyfriend sound problematic, and if your gut is saying that the future you want is far off or even unattainable with him, you’re probably right.

Everything he brought into your life would still be there with you if you were single, wouldn’t it? I mean, other than the physical companionship. Anything I was scared of losing, I didn’t, in the end, and I moved forward to be much happier.

Seriously, this BS is kind of shocking. I was online dating as of 4 years ago, but that’s like ancient history. I don’t recall there being this prevalence of unacceptable ghosting and breakup-texting after 2 months of dating. Pulling back, starting to fade out so you’d ask what’s going on, sure, I guess. That 2-3 month mark was always kind of a make or break for relationships. But does it seem like we’re reaching a new low?

Did he say anything else??