Kate
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Also, there’s a website called lovefraud.com, “how to recognize and recover from sociopaths” that you might find helpful. I found it years ago when my neighbor was dating a true sociopath and scammer. He had done the same things to a large number of women and was finally exposed, and was in a news story and everything. I can’t remember all the details anymore but I recall he drove a Bentley. I would see it parked in our lot and be like who TF is living here and driving a Bentley? He needed it as a prop to look rich. And he had all these ways of scamming women out of money. All the while he’d be buying you a $25K engagement ring but because of some complication it had to go on your credit card, just temporarily.
This same woman, a very attractive, fit, late/30s divorcee, was dating yet ANOTHER sociopath, a classic control freak abuser, who was the head of our condo board. They got in horrible violent fights.
Anyway, web sites like this can be comforting and empowering because you gain knowledge and don’t feel so gobsmacked. I don’t know if your guy was a sociopath or what, but certainly a liar and a creep. By the way, “love bombing” in the early stages of a relationship is definitely a tactic that sociopaths use.
Here’s an example story:
Come to think of it, living in that condo taught me a lot about bad relationships. It was gut-rehabbed 2-bed 1-bath townhouses that attracted a lot of single professional women home buyers with dogs. And we’d all talk. I was in a bad relationship too. Another neighbor spent her entire adult life entangled in this on and off thing with her male “best friend” from college, who would spend a lot of time with her, hook up with her, and sometimes act like they were dating, but then he’d have a skinny, small-boobed girlfriend and tell my neighbor that was really his type (she was curvy with huge boobs). And guess what? Last I heard she was giving it another shot with him. Which didn’t work out. Again.
Sorry for the Melrose Place walk down memory lane…
I would not keep up a friendship with his partner. Even meeting her for that drink… I guess if getting the info from her helped you see more clearly or get closure, there might be some purpose in that, but you know you’ll be better off if you cut off all contact, including with her. You don’t want any part of that mess.
Yeah, that’s how it is in the first few months, and those breakups can hurt the worst because it’s all excitement and possibility. I can understand not being able to let go at this point. Based on what you wrote, I think he’s breaking up with you and trying to put it on you, but I know how hard it would be for you to take the lead and end it. that said, the things he said and the blaming you are really bad signs. The “I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship” clinches it. And the hedging about getting together before his trip… It’s a breakup. But absolutely not your fault.
You didn’t ruin it, Lucia. He was always going to be the “bad at relationships, can’t give you what you want” guy. You just found out sooner by asking him. A normal healthy guy who was into you would either say, “yeah!” Or worst case, something more like, “I really like where this is going, I really like you, I just need a little more time.” Or you wouldn’t have had to ask him at all.
All that stuff about being bad at relationships and a drunk douche is a loud and clear warning that “I’ll just let you down.” I think the message is, I’m not gonna be a douche and end this, I’d rather you did that for me. Meanwhile I’ll see you if you want to and I have time, but I warned you that I suck, so don’t expect anything. The “this is your fault” is classic blame-shifting. Don’t fall for it.
Definitely make him talk first before you say anything. He called the meeting.
Ugh, maybe. Go into it neutral I guess, and see what he has to say.
I don’t know if it actually sounds like a switch got flipped. It sounds like you were both really excited the first few weeks, and now there’s some tension as you figure out what you want and if you’re compatible. You do know he’s not ready to be exclusive / committed / have labels right now. Which is ok, but the “it would ruin the magic” thing makes me wonder. That’s kind of weird. And you aren’t feeling happy and secure and positive. Give it a few more weeks of acting like your authentic self and giving him the benefit of the doubt? Or another week or two and do a gut check.
Oh, just re read above. I guess the answer is yes.
Has there been a guy who acted really interested and respectful like this guy, and his actions were showing you he was open to a relationship but then he told you he wasn’t? If so, ok, though it seems to me if a guy is faking the attentive respectful thing, he’ll tell you what you want to hear. If he’s up front about it and tells you he’s not looking for anything serious, then he probably wasn’t acting like it.
Right. I’m not picking on you, but why did you ask? Do you not trust your own judgment? Do you feel any different now that he answered yes?
Was it “idk?”
I would just observe his behavior. You should be able to tell if he is or isn’t looking for something more than casual with you. And if he’s only looking to hook up… He’ll lie anyway. Just watch and see.
