Kate

I mean, first date sex, weight, abuse, working outside the home vs not, women asking men out on dates, take your pick.

Oh, or go into a forum about dating and claim you look 10 years younger. Lol.

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2016/04/25/why-do-men-get-away-with-being-assholes/

She’s posted a lot lately about how online dating has totally changed, and the flakiness and hookup mentality has spilled over into mainstream sites. I’m sure she’s right and it’s completely different than it was 4 years ago. I think the column above is a good reality check. It’s not that relationships can’t happen from online dates, it’s just a whole new world where you can’t feel any sense of security until several dates in (or more). Ugh. I revise my earlier comments about guys on Tinder using it with the intention of hookups… I think you have to assume that on every site or app now. People who said that a few pages back were right.

Ha. Two years before you met him you told me (while dressed as slutty Mad Hatter) that you were ready to settle down and have kids, and you ruined my high.

Kare, I can see how that kind of thing would trigger an instinct to reproduce, but obviously for that to be a good idea it would have to be accompanied by a strong desire to be a mother, and the stability, etc. that go with that. I guess I just mean, a feeling like that is real, but it’s not an indicator that you actually want kids. I know you will anyway, but give it more time.

I’m almost 41 and not in any way regretting my choice to not have kids. And I did meet a guy in the general pool on Match who didn’t want them either and we’re happily married. There are more and more people these days comfortable admitting they don’t.

For you, Cleo, I’d try to weed out the guys who indicate they definitely know they want kids. Go for the ones who aren’t sure or are like “maybe someday.” I think there are plenty of those. It gets easier as you get older and date older guys, because the older you get, the more you “know” one way or the other what you want to do.

Laura, they were confused by your actions because guys DO what they WANT to do. If they’re dating other women and not trying to be exclusive with you, it’s because they want to date other women and not be exclusive with you. So when they see you dating other men, they assume you don’t want to be exclusive. Which… Why did they even know you were dating other men? You don’t talk about it. I hope you didn’t.

If you want to be exclusive with a guy, dont let him know you’re dating other men. Maybe at that point you know you want to be exclusive, ask him if he feels the same. Then if he does, stop dating the other men. But do not use “I have other dates” as a way to get him to want to have the talk. Keep your dating discreet.

Ange, sounds like her strategy worked. It seems (from what I hear) like guys are likely to *use it for* the hope of hookups, but of course they may be converted to a relationship if they see potential there.

If you’re a woman who meets a guy on Tinder, it’s probably safest to assume, like your friend did, that they are seeking a casual hookup *at that point*.

If you sleep with them the first time you meet, you have to do it under that assumption, *not* the assumption that they’re so smitten with you that they not only want to sleep with you but want to have a dating relationship with you too. If a casual hookup is not your thing then it’s sensible to wait a bit and find out if there’s potential there for a dating relationship. Meaning he understands you were not using Tinder just to hook up, he enjoys spending time with you, and eagerly shows that he does by going on dates with you.

ETA Not that a relationship can’t come out of a one nighter either. But if you’re not the kind of lady who can deal with a one nighter, I’d say don’t sleep with a Tinder guy the first night, because the odds are not in your favor that he marched with you because he’s looking for something serious. Even if he makes a grand gesture on the first date like buying you a fancy meal or a dress coat, haha.