Kate
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I remember one time I was pissed off at a guy and wanted to get the hell out of there quick. Actually two times.
One guy had very outdated pics and was much older in person. I felt he deliberately misled people with those pictures.
Another guy was bitter about something we had in common and it was weird.
Your friends also aren’t with you on dates, so remember, they don’t know what you might be saying or projecting that might be different from your profile. And they definitely won’t tell you if you no longer look like your pics.
Is it at all possible your photos are dated, overly filtered, or that you’d look different in person than someone would assume from the pictures?
I mean, yes, you can’t take rejection personally because it IS a numbers game, but at the same time there’s a pattern here, with none of your 10 first dates converting to a 2nd.
It definitely could be they are picking up on the negative emotions you mention above, and your anxiety about catching up to your friends.
On a tactical level, are you paying your way or at least making a genuine effort to pay? Are you texting them afterward to say thank you and you had a good time, especially if they paid?
I do think if you’re getting multiple first dates, you’re doing something right. Your profile looks good enough to attract guys and then you’re doing fine in your chat if it leads to a date.
So the possibilities are:
—- Your profile attracts the wrong type of guys
—- Your appearance is off from your pics
—- You’re talking too much about your ex or seeming negative
—- Something else you’re saying is a turnoff
—-The city you live in is truly just a huge flake-festHmmm. Yeah, read that book for any insight. I definitely can’t tell from your letter what might be wrong, but I think a guy will pass on a second date if:
—- You are a drunk mess / have a “road soda” in your car
—- Appear sloppy / like a slob
—- Lied or misrepresented yourself in your profile / didn’t have accurate pics
—- Seem “crazy.” I know women who are quite attractive, successful or at least have a steady job, are fun, etc., but they are definitely kooky, like make terrible choices, or are perceptibly desperate for a man / a baby. This will come across to your date. My husband’s friend went on a date with my friend and basically ended up leaving her at the restaurant after one beer. She’s very pretty and fun but she’s bonkers.Those are the big reasons I can think of, but also there are cities like Los Angeles where the dating scene is known to be brutal and people are just flakes. And maybe you have to be super duper hot.
I don’t know, I’m from Boston and last online dated in 2012. I did meet my husband on Match though, at 36 or 37. I think everyone was interested in a second date. I had real, representative pics, and I would put on a dress and try to look cute before each date. And have 1-2 drinks, throw down money, and get out. I wasn’t trying to linger all night. I’d be like, gotta go walk the dog!
My friend who went hard anti-vaxx claimed she was, you know, a free thinker who did a lot of research. But it was clear she never read any of the articles, just the headlines, and wasn’t good at sniffing out fake news. She sent me articles sometimes like, “Pam Anderson died!” Or, “look, this proves you can’t get Covid twice,” but if you read the article it was clearly fake or else didn’t say what she thought it said.
From Facebook. But they won’t admit it. They claim they “do research.” They “read an article.” But really they read a meme or a headline on FB.
That’s a good explanation from Prognostigator. I would add that it’s not just assault we have to worry about (though that’s a real concern, and yes, we realize you probably wouldn’t assault anyone, Robert, but your dates don’t know that) – it’s also just being a target of male anger, entitlement, stalking behavior, insults, all kinds of things that men don’t worry about but we don’t feel like dealing with. And again, it doesn’t matter if you, personally, wouldn’t do that. You’re still giving off signals that you might.
It’s not the same Shay. That other “Shay” is someone who posts a lot on here under different names but not a troll. This one I don’t recognize. I do hope it’s fake, but don’t really think it is.
“ Something like mini golf is best saved for those first weeks/months in a relationship, where you’re still getting to know each other but you want to have some experiences together now.”
Agree. Robert, in your mind it’s like, mini golf is a fun activity, so any two people can have fun playing mini golf, and women should be willing to do stuff like that with you. But for most women, mini-golf is an activity to do with someone you already know you enjoy being with. That’s what makes it fun, not the activity itself. No woman wants to commit to an hour of mini-golf plus whatever time before and after, with someone they’re not comfortable around. That’s why you meet for a drink, so you can get out of there anytime if it’s not comfortable. And yeah, I know, women should give you lots of time and repeated chances to get comfortable with you, but no, that’s not how it works. If something is off, we’re out. We have to be. And I don’t think you’ve once acknowledged this point.
Do you realize that not once in this whole thing have you taken a break from complaining for 5 minutes to say, gosh, I hate to think I’m making women uncomfortable. How can I change that?
Also, please do yourself a favor and never talk about mechanics again. Every time you do, it makes you look bad. It makes me think that you don’t budget correctly, don’t actually make enough to cover your expenses, have bad credit or no credit, and aren’t smart enough to find a good mechanic and stick with them so you get the VIP treatment. If you ever spoke about this to a date, it would be a billowing red flag with lights and sirens.
